Page 99 of Rescue

“I don’t understand.” Reed looks again between me and Dad, who’s staring at me, transfixed.

“I didn’t understand either. Until I went to see her.”

Dad closes his eyes while the other boys stare at me, aghast. And for once in their lives, speechless.

Reed finds his voice first. “You went to see her?” There’s betrayal in his tone, on his face. “When?”

“You know where she is?” Daltrey whispers.

“She lives outside of Paris. And Haylee went with me a few days ago to find her.”

“How did you know this?” Reed asks. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Cash’s eyes are wide and disbelieving. “You took Haylee? You took Haylee instead of us?”

“I just needed… I needed to try to understand,” I say. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but—”

“How did you even know where to find her?” Reed asks.

“I hired a private investigator.”

“When?”

“When we signed our deal.”

“Jesus,” he mutters. “Five years ago?”

“You’ve known where she was for five years?” Daltrey asks. “Why didn’t you… Lennon, I don’t understand how you could do this.” He’s staring at me like he doesn’t know me.

“It felt like I was betraying Dad, by looking for her. And I was… I was scared.”

“I don’t get why you keep saying that,” Reed practically growls. “What in the hell was so scary, Lennon?”

“I didn’t know until I saw her.” I rub my temples. My head is throbbing now. “Because I couldn’t remember.”

“Remember what?” Reed has had enough of this. His voice is shrill, his eyes wide and desperate. I think he’s about to lose it.

“She was a drug addict,” I say softly. I want to look at Dad, want to see if his reaction tells me I’m right. But I can’t take my eyes away from my brothers. “And she used to take me with her when she went to score.”

No one says a word. My dad is staring at me in horror, the others in disbelief. To my surprise, Dad is the one who speaks first. “She did that more than once?”

“Youknewabout this?” Cash yells, turning to him. Reed and Daltrey seem to be beyond words. They look back and forth between me and Dad, openmouthed and silent.

“I knew… I knew of one time,” Dad says. “She didn’t tell me there were others.” He turns back to me. “What do you remember?”

“There was a house. It was dirty inside, really run-down. She would leave me on the couch while she talked to a man in the kitchen. Sometimes he would yell, and it scared me.”

“Fuck,” Cash says. “This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Our mother? She didn’t do drugs.”

“Yes, she did,” Dad says. “God, Lennon. I had no idea she was… I’m so sorry. Is that… all you remember?”

I shake my head. “We normally would go home right after. But sometimes she would… she would take something there. And I’d have to wait on the couch until she was ready to go.”

“Hang on,” Daltrey finally says. “She did drugs in front of you? What the hell? Why would she do that?” He turns to Dad. “Why would she take Lennon? That makes no sense.”

He looks so old when he turns to Daltrey. “She was very sick, Daltrey. Not much of what she did makes a lot of sense to a rational person. She told me…” He swallows a few times. “She told me it made her feel less like she was abandoning her kids, to take Lennon with her. Like she was still taking care of someone.” His voice catches. “And the two of them always had a special relationship.”

My throat hurts when I speak again. “I remember her giving me cookies, cheering me up when the other boys were too wild, when my feelings were hurt. She said I was more sensitive. That I was special.”