Page 84 of Rescue

“Okay.” She nestles into my chest a little before yawning. “How long is the ride?”

“Another half an hour. Why don’t you take a nap?” She nods against my shoulder, closing her eyes, and I relax back into my chair.

I haven’t slept in days.

I know I should tell Levi, tell my dad. They know, better than anyone, what usually happens when I stop sleeping. But then I would have to tell them about the dreams. And I don’t think I can do that yet.

I’m not entirely stupid, though. I did call Dr. Jacobs back in Tennessee a few days ago. I’ve been in contact with her since we left town, but I let the communication lapse since Haylee and I got together. Her advice was simple—tell your Dad. When I told her about the dreams, she got very quiet. “You definitely need to talk to your father, Lennon,” she said, her voice as serious as I’ve ever heard it. “You need to sit down and have a conversation about your mother.”

“Why?”

“Because there are obviously things there that you don’t want to remember.”

I promised to think about it, but I have no intention of telling him. Not yet. I couldn’t explain why, but the thought of talking about those dreams filled me with a dread that made me lose my breath. I couldn’t tell my dad. Not until I knew what I was dreaming about.

But maybe it was time to talk to someone else. Someone like my mother.

“We’re getting close, Haylee,” I whisper into her ear. “Come on, babe, time to wake up.”

She grumbles a little as she stretches, and I wonder if worrying about me has her losing sleep as well. Definitely not what she should be concentrating on right now, not with the band getting so much positive attention after the show. Just like she shouldn’t be running away from the tour to go tramping through the French countryside with me. This is a big break for her, and I’m not helping.You’re failing, I correct myself.You’re failing her.

“You okay?” she asks when I don’t join her in the aisle. I give myself a mental shake. We’ve come too far to go back now.

“Let’s do it.”

We don’t have any luggage, just my backpack with our toothbrushes and a change of clothes for each of us. We called ahead and booked a room at a small inn in Vernon, the town outside of Giverny where the train stops. The room is miniscule, with a rose-patterned bedspread and an antique writing desk. “This is totally you, Lennon,” Haylee says, smirking. “The flowers really go with that whole emo rock guy thing you have going.”

“Me? It’s totallyyou. Look at how well your leather jacket matches the wallpaper.”

“What’s this?” She picks up a color pamphlet from the desk. “It’s about Giverny.” I come to stand behind her to read the information over her shoulder. “Look at how pretty it is,” she says, pointing down at the fields of flowers.

“It’s a lot colder now. Might not be many flowers.”

“That’s fine. There’s still some color on the trees. It will be nice.” She reads silently for a moment. “It says there’s a shuttle bus right by the train station to get to Giverny. So that’s pretty easy. And we can go to his house with the garden, and then there’s the museum and…”

Her voice fades in my mind as I look down at the pictures in the pamphlet. How close are we, right now? Will we pass her house on the bus? Will I know it when I see it?

A wave of fear rushes through me, and I know this was a bad idea. It could change everything. What in the hell was I thinking?

“Okay, I fully blame you for how dorky I’m becoming,” Haylee says, her voice cutting through my panic. “But I am totally excited about this.”

I want to be excited. I want to go walk around the cute little town with my girlfriend and not worry about anything. I want to not be afraid.

Haylee looks up at me, smiling, and I make myself a promise.I’m going to enjoy this, I think to myself fiercely.I’m going to have this day with Haylee. I’m going to have these memories. I’m going to have this one good day.

And I try really hard not to recognize the feeling that’s growing in my chest—the one that says this might be the last good day for a long, long time.

***

I try. I really do. I hold Haylee’s hand and laugh when it’s appropriate and kiss her on the bridge over the lily pond. But that horrible feeling just keeps growing in my chest, and I know there’s no way she can’t see it on my face.

“Let’s rest here for a minute,” she says, pointing to a bench in the garden. Most of the flowers have died by now, but the plants are still green. I try to concentrate on that. On how cute Haylee looks with red cheeks, her masses of black hair flowing out from under a knit beanie cap. I try to concentrate on the feel of her fingers in mine as she takes my hand.

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m sorry,” I say immediately. “I’m ruining this.”

“You’re not ruining anything. This is a tough day for you. Sightseeing first probably wasn’t the best idea.”