Page 83 of Rescue

“Don’t give me that crap, Lennon.” Her face is getting red, her breathing rapid.She’s upset, I realize. Shit. I scared her.

“I’m fine, Haylee.”

“You’re not! You’re having nightmares all the time! I don’t think you’re sleeping much at all. Are you?”

I sigh, rubbing my face. “I’m not sleeping well, no.”

“Isn’t that… something to worry about?”

My eyes snap up to her face, my stomach falling when she looks slightly guilty. “Who told you that?”

“Daisy,” she whispers. “She just said that I should look out for it.” Her voice strengthens. “But that’s not all it is, Lennon. You’re spending half your day staring off into space. You’re obviously upset about something, and I want you to talk to me.”

Well, shit. I thought I’d done such a good job of hiding it.

“I don’t know,” I admit, resting my head in my hands. “I’ve been having dreams, and for some reason I can’t make them disappear during the day. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry!” She reaches across the table and takes my hands away from my face. “I just want you to talk to me about it.”

I stare into her eyes, wondering what she would think if I told her.I’m dreaming about my mom. I always dream about my mom. And I don’t know why that’s so scary. I don’t know why it makes me feel like I’m failing someone.

“Would you go with me now?” The words are out of my mouth before I even consciously decide to ask. We could take the Eurostar back to France and be there in a few hours. Plenty of time, if we left now.

“Go with you where?”

“To Giverny.”

Her face clouds. “You want to go to Givernynow? Instead of talking to me about this?”

“No,” I say quickly. “I want to go to Giverny because…” I breathe out, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I want to go to Giverny because my mother is living there and I think it’s time I went to see her.”

***

Four hours later, we’re back in Paris. It feels strange to be here, familiar and totally foreign at the same time, even though it’s only been a week since we left.

“You doing okay?” she asks, taking my hand.

“Yeah. Definitely. We need to get to platform five, I think.”

As soon as I told her what I wanted to do, Haylee agreed. She didn’t even ask me any questions. “We’ll have to switch trains in Paris, but it shouldn’t be too hard,” she said, studying a travel app in the taxi on the way back to the hotel.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked. “I know you were joking about Louis scheduling stuff, but he probably does have work for you.”

“Then I’ll do it when we get back,” she said. “If this is something you need to do, we’re doing it. Besides”—she leaned across the seat to kiss me—“I’m looking forward to our first trip away together.”

I laughed at that, feeling strangely free, considering the circumstances. “You do know we’ve been sleeping in hotel beds together since we met.”

She stuck out her tongue at me before turning back to the window.

And now here we are, back in France, boarding the train to Giverny. “Countryside is pretty,” Haylee says as the suburbs of Paris finally fade into the distance. She’s leaning on my shoulder, and I wonder if the armrest is hurting her in this position. But it’s the way she always sits when we’re close, I realize. She leans into me, like she’s taking strength from my presence. Or maybe she’s giving it to me. Either way, it makes me feel strong, when she leans like that. Makes me feel like I can handle shit after all.

“What do you want to do first?” she asks. “The Monet House or—”

I cut her off before she can say anything else. Like maybe,your mom’s house. “Monet. Definitely.”

She watches me for a long moment, concern evident on her face. “You sure you’re okay with this, Lennon? Maybe you should have talked to your brothers first. Shouldn’t they be here instead of me?”

I shake my head. “You’re the only one I want with me if I decide to go through with this.” I kiss the top of her head, trying to calm myself with her now-familiar vanilla scent. “I just want to enjoy a nice afternoon with you first. That’s what I need right now. Okay?”