Page 57 of Rescue

“Well, yeah. But it wasn’t just…” I sigh. “I mean, I’m a guy. She’s totally hot, and you know, the sex was…” I rub my hands over my face. “God, this is uncomfortable. I probably would have hooked up with her, honestly. But…”

“But what?” Karen asks, her voice soft.

I stare out at the people passing the cafe, the city vibrant and crowded around us. “It was like… she wanted me, you know? I could tell. But as soon as that became clear, she started drinking. A lot.”

Karen frowns. “You didn’t want to take advantage?”

“No, it wasn’t… I mean, of course I didn’t want to take advantage but…” It’s hard to describe what it felt like out on that dance floor. “It was like she wasn’t drunk,” I finally say. “Like, I was watching her drinking—really drinking, she could put Cash under the table—but she didn’t reallychange.” I shake my head, knowing that isn’t exactly right. “I guess she was laughing a little harder, maybe touching me more. But it… it didn’t feel real.”

“She was pretending to be drunk?” Levi asks, frowning.

“I don’t know. It felt like she was using the booze as an excuse.” I look between them. “Does that make sense? Like she couldn’t let herself want me otherwise but once she had some drinks in her, it was okay to flirt.”

“Hmm,” Karen says, a thoughtful expression on her face. “I wonder why she would feel like she couldn’t just be with you if that’s what she wanted.”

I take another few bites of my sandwich, thinking. “When we hooked up, her friend James—the bassist,” I tell Karen, “he came to the door later, woke us up. He wasn’t very happy about the situation.”

“Why? Do they have something going?”

I shake my head. “No. Not that I can tell. But… I don’t know. He told her she could get hurt, and I guess she agreed with him, because when she came back to the room she could hardly look at me. And then she pulled away after that.” I take a sip of water, not wanting to voice the thing that’s been bothering me. “Do you think it’s possible she heard about… August? You think that’s why she doesn’t want to be with me?”

“If that’s true, then she’s a bitch and I don’t want you to be with her,” Karen says, her voice harsh.

“I wouldn’t blame her,” I mutter. “I mean, come on. Who wants to date the crazy guy who—”

“Do not finish that sentence, Lennon,” Karen says. “I’m not going to let you talk shit about yourself.”

“Besides, man,” Levi says. “I really don’t see how she could find out.”

“You don’t think there are rumors?” I ask, eyebrows high. “Come on, Levi. We’re on tour with them. Roadies talk. Fans talk. I bet there are a dozen websites dedicated to figuring out what happened in August.”

“There’s a ton of talk,” he concedes. “But none of it has come close to hitting on the truth.” When he speaks again his voice is kind. “We monitor this stuff, Len.”

My stomach sinks at the thought of some intern somewhere whose sole job is to scour the internet to see what people are saying about me.

“I don’t think she could possibly know,” Levi continues. “But even if she did find out somehow… Len, does she really strike you as the type of person who would judge you for that?”

When I met her back in Los Angeles, my very first thought was that this was a girl who understood pain. There was something in her eyes then, something I’d been catching glimpses of ever since, something that told me she would understand what I’d done if I ever came up with the courage to tell her. And then, at the party, when she told me what happened with her stalker, it was obvious in her tone and behavior that the incident had a profound effect on her. And of course there was that night after the show in Glasgow, the way she went to pieces when that fan touched her. What did she tell me in Edinburgh?I’m really fucked up.

“No,” I finally say. “I guess I don’t.”

“Look, Lennon,” Karen says, leaning across the table a little to better meet my eyes. “If she’s someone that you care about, someone that might make you happy, then she’s worth an effort. A relationship like that is worth it, it just is.”

I think Levi must squeeze her hand under the table because she shoots him a quick smile before returning her gaze to mine.

“But if she’s not someone that can be honest with you—or if you feel like you can’t be honest with her—then this probably isn’t what you need right now, you know?”

I nod. Everything she’s saying is true. I worked too hard to get to the point where I am to risk my recovery on someone who can’t be open with me. Even if the thought of shutting her out makes me feel completely numb.

“I hear you’re doing really well these days.”

I glance up at her, ready to laugh, but her face is completely serious. “Who told you that?”

“I did,” Levi says.

“Why?”

The corners of his mouth tug up a little bit. “Because you are. You can’t see that?”