Page 105 of Rescue

I frown. “What about Daisy?”

He looks conflicted, like he isn’t sure he should tell me. But he takes a deep breath and meets my gaze. “She attempted suicide four years ago.”

I can’t keep the horror and shock from my face. Daisy? That beautiful girl with the shining eyes and the big smile? Teasing all the Ransome boys, complaining about her pregnancy even while it couldn’t be plainer that she was overjoyed about it. “Daisy?” I ask, and Lennon nods, his eyes sad.

“But she got better. It’s not perfect for her. She still struggles. But it’s better. She’s happy.”

I want that, I think desperately.

So why am I still so terrified? Why does it still seem so impossible for me?

“I’ve always felt so guilty, Haylee. I thought my mom leaving was my fault. I buried the reasons deep down until I couldn’t remember them, but the guilt never went away.”

“Why did you think it was your fault?”

“Because if the police hadn’t come, my dad never would have found out what she was doing. And she could have stayed.”

“And she could have hurt you,” I say. “Any of you. Or herself.”

He nods. “I have a bigger regret now that I understand. Now that I’m older. I…” He swallows, shaking his head. Swallows again. “If I had told my dad what she was doing sooner, he might have been able to help her.”

“Lennon, you were a little boy!”

He nods. “I know. Guilt isn’t always rational.” His palm tightens slightly on my face, his eyes darkening as he looks down at me. “I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you and I didn’t try to get you some help.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me—”

“How many times have you been in the hospital for alcohol poisoning?”

I try to take a step back, defensive and angry, but he doesn’t release his hold on me.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever been so scared as I was in the hospital, waiting to see if you’d let me come in.”

“I’m sorry, I—”

“I understand, you don’t have to apologize. All I’m saying…” His forehead drops down to rest on mine. We stood like this once, back in London. He’d been so tired then, so sad and scared. And I’d taken that moment as such a good sign. That he wasn’t shutting me out. “I don’t want to lose you, Haylee. I don’t think you have any idea how much you mean to me. How much you give to me.”

I don’t understand. How can I possibly give him anything? I’m about to argue, but he cuts me off.

“Everything that happened in Paris and London… if that had happened a year ago, I don’t think I’d be standing right now. I think it would have been enough to destroy me, I really do.”

“Please don’t talk like that,” I whisper.

“But with you there—Haylee, it never crossed my mind. Hurting myself, shutting off, breaking down. None of that was even a possibility. Because you made me feel so much stronger than I ever have.”

I stare at him, dumbfounded. “How is that possible? I didn’tdoanything.”

“You werethere. My life is better when you’re there. I’m better.”

“I’m scared.”

His forehead creases. “Why?”

“Because I don’t think I’m strong enough to be that for someone else. To let someone depend on me.” A sob rises in my throat, and I push it back. “Look at what happened in London. Things got hard, and I went to pieces. The way I always do. How can you rely on me? I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. And Lennon…” I close my eyes, not wanting to see my words hurt him. “You weren’t there for me either. We were both too sad to help each other.”

“I don’t think we can rely on each other,” he says, and even though it’s the argument I’ve been trying to make, him saying the words is painful to hear. Until he continues. “We can’t relyonlyon each other. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. We both need help. Like, real help, professional. But I know my life will be better with you than without you.”

“How do you know?”