Page 19 of Weathering The Storm

The fact that, after this season, I’ll probably have to find myself a new deck boss. Because heknows.

I’d bet every penny we made today that he knows.

The brandy tastes like syrupy figs and hot cinnamon going down. And for the first time since we left this very slip, I can breathe. Fully.

I kick back for a while, half the glass drained by the time I decide it might be nice to pull on a shirt and lay out on the deck. The sky is clear tonight, and there’s a chance of seeing the Aurora.

I’ve just gotten up again when Seth walks in.

Now I wish I was wearing something more than a pair of sweatpants and some wool socks. Anything to cover the heat that floods my body when he looks at me.

“Heading out?” I ask, leaning with my bare back on one of the windows to cool my skin.

“Nah, they already left. I didn’t really feel like drinking.” His eyes flit to my glass, then back up. One rolled step, then another, carrying him closer to me. “Thought you and I could hang out tonight. Talk.”

Fuck. Here we go.

“Sure,” I say, mulling over the words:What did you wanna talk about?

But… what if I said it aloud to someone just once? On my own terms?

I’m gay.

I try it out internally, and the more times I hear it repeated, the more I think it might not be so bad. If there’s one person on this planet I trust enough to tell, it’s Seth.

Maybe honesty is the only shot I have at salvaging our friendship at this point. We certainly can’t keep going like we have been.

I’m gay, and I have feelings for you. I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to make you uncomfortable, but I want to move past this if we can. Friends?

And maybe it’s the brandy convincing me this will end okay. That Seth will laugh it off and say,“Well thanks, Cap’, I’m flattered. I don’t swing that way, but let’s go out to the bar after all. I’ll be your wingman.”

“Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you,” I say. “And I’d appreciate it if this stayed between the two of us.”

Seth’s brows raise. “Yeah, of course.”

“It’s…”

This was easier in my head.I’m gay. I’m gay, and I’m so into you Seth. It makes me feel like I’m going insane.

“About Amber.” I take a sip of brandy to coax out the rest. “There is no Amber.”

His eyes narrow contemplatively. “Because you broke things off? Or because…?”

“Because she never existed. I made her up to get everyone off my back about dating and women. Because I don’t—” I chew on the inside of my cheek. I bite down, hard, and then I make myself spit it out. The truth about who I am that I’ve kept under lock and key my entire life. “I’m not interested in women. I like… men.”

A brittle, unsteady exhale leaves my lungs.

We’re inmywheelhouse, onmyship, but I don’t feel in control of anything as Seth takes another step forward. All the tension in his features unraveling.

“Am I the first person you’ve ever told?”

As soon as I nod, he plucks the glass of brandy out of my hand, sets it down on the console, and pulls me in. He hugs me now just like he hugs me at the dock every time we come together again, but this time I don’t tense. I soften like butter in his arms. I hug him back the way I’ve always wanted to.

“Thank you for trusting me.” He places his hands on my shoulders, a solemn look in his eyes that I’ve never seen before. “I know how hard it can be to come out.”

Hestressesthat word—know. Like he doesn’t only know in passing, he doesn’t know because he’s generally empathetic or because he’s had friends who have come out. He knows because he’s fuckinglived it.

This can’t be happening.