Page 155 of Game Misconduct

It was better in the shower because Tanner was pressed close, the air warm and thick around them from the humidity. Leifclosed his eyes and just let himself touch Tanner. Let himself slide his palms along his tight muscles and reassure himself that this wasn’t over.

It wasn’t over and they could figure it out. That was what Tanner said although he didn’t know shit about anything besides hockey, really. Leif was going to have to trust him anyway.

“You have anxiety?” Tanner asked quietly.

Leif nodded, his eyes still closed, his cheek pressed to Tanner’s damp hair.

“How long?”

“Always,” Leif mumbled. “Since I was little. I used to freak out before games. Just totally fucking melt down. Or really, any time anything went sideways. I was just—it wasbad.”

“But it got better?”

Leif lifted his head and squinted at him. “Did itlooklike it was better when you got here?”

“Well, no,” Tanner said. “But like, I’ve also never seen you freak out like that. Does it happen a lot? Were you hiding it from me before?”

“No,” Leif said slowly. “No, I wasn’t hiding it. It’s not that bad. Usually.”

He had … systems for dealing with it. “My parents helped me. They found ways I could cope. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a long time and I have like—things that help.”

“Like what?” Tanner ran his palms along Leif’s arms and he shivered.

“Like … breathing exercises and tapping and all sorts of things. I can—I can send you some articles.”

“Okay. Um, have any podcasts? My brain just kinda shuts down when I read articles and stuff.”

“I can find some podcasts,” Leif said slowly. “You really want to know about it?”

“Duh. Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I dunno. No one else really …”

There was a reason he didn’t usually let anyone get close enough to see all this. It was about hockey, of course, but it was more than that.

“Well I do.” Tanner pressed a smacking kiss to his collarbone, clocking Leif in the jaw with his head as he pulled back.

Leif smiled anyway.

“Um, can I ask you something?” Tanner asked.

“Sure?” Leif said warily.

“Is it possible you’re also on the spectrum? Like, sometimes people deal with both, yeah?”

“It’s possible,” Leif admitted. “I don’t know. When I was little, they just thought it was anxiety but sometimes I’ve wondered.”

“Because there was this guy down in Concord?—”

Leif made a face.

“No,listen,” Tanner said. “We fucked around for a bit when I was down there and he was like, legit diagnosed with autism.Some of the stuff you do and say reminds me of him. I didn’t really put the pieces together until tonight.”

“Okay,” Leif said. “Great.”

Tanner rolled his eyes. “Babe.Princess, listen to me. It’s cool. Whatever you are. Whatever your brain is doing, I love you.”

“Yeah?” Leif said, his eyes watering and his throat thick because fuck, this was a lot. This was, like … way too much. But good. Also good.