Page 153 of Game Misconduct

A part of Tanner kindawantedto. It would be way easier. But he remembered what Jesse had said and what he and Leif had talked about on the phone and it was pretty obvious, even to a guy like Tanner, that it was what had caused Leif to have a panic attack—or whatever that was.

“I know we do.” Leif sat up with a groan and Tanner missed the feel of their skin pressed together.

“I am sorry about earlier. I’m not … I’m not used to this.”

“Used to what?” Leif turned away, reaching for Tanner’s bag. He pawed through it for a moment before he sighed and sat back.

Tanner reached under the chair and pulled out the wet wipes that he’d grabbed earlier when he’d gone for the condoms and lube. “Here.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m not used to …” He didn’t know how to word this. “Not—not that I’m not used tocaringabout people I sleep with. I do. For that night, for a couple of nights, they’re the most amazing, awesome person I’ve ever encountered. I care that they have a good time, that they feel safe and good about it. I care that I don’t, like, fuck them up somehow because I’m a fucking idiot. I try to, like … be good to them, you know?”

“Great. Why are you telling me this?” Leif scrubbed at his thighs.

Tanner resisted the urge to beat his head against the floor because Leif wasn’tgettingit. He was putting walls up and, like, shutting down or something. Tanner could see it happening, but he wasn’t sure how to stop it.

“But you’redifferent,” he blurted out.

Leif lifted his head, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not—you’re not like everybody else. You’ve always been that way. I’ve literally spent ten years trying to get you to just pay attention to me.”

“You like attention.”

“Yeah, I do,” Tanner said. “But mostly I like you. I—Iloveyou.”

Leif opened his mouth, but no sound came out. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t get anything to come out at all.

Tanner gave him a lopsided little smile and touched his finger to Leif’s mouth. “It’s okay if you don’t?—”

“I love you too,” Leif whispered, then buried his face against Tanner’s neck again. “Fuck.”

Tanner stroked the base of his skull, right where the hair met his bare neck, and Leif shuddered. “I do love you,” he mumbled against Tanner’s neck. “So much.”

“Okay,” Tanner said softly. “Okay. We’ll figure it out.”

Leif lifted his head to frown. “But how? We’re on separate teams, we live in different states, we—we’re rivals.”

“Maybe we can’t do anything during the playoffs,” Tanner said with a shrug. “But after …”

“And you fuckeveryone.”

Tanner scowled. “Noteveryone.”

“But you …” Leif sat up, pulling his knees up and leaning against the back of the chair. “Youwantto.”

“Do I?” Tanner asked. “I haven’t—there hasn’t been anyone but you. Not since the tourney. Wait, no. There was one couple a little after that. But no one but you since then.”

“I get that,” Leif said, and now that he could see and touch Tanner, he believed it. “But forever? Because I’m a forever kinda guy. I want you. Not—not to share with anyone else, okay? Maybe that’s—that’s not cool of me but it’s what I want. I don’t want you to go out and fuck anyone else because you get bored or you get tired of me.”

Tanner’s face fell. “You think my mom’s right.”

“I don’t know. Maybe. What if she is?”

“I wouldn’t?—”

“Are you sure? Can you really say that you would be fine with never being with anyone else? That in a year or five or—” His throat went too tight for him to go on.