Page 69 of Ring Rust

He’d be remiss if he ignored the changes he’d felt from Ryan. The last two and a half weeks had been nearly perfect. The proof was scattered throughout their days—quiet gestures and loud declarations and everything in between.

Jasper woke up that morning expecting to find the dance recital costumes wadded up in the laundry basket where he’d left them the day before. He got up to steam them, but they weren’t there, so he checked the dryer and the spare bedroom.

It wasn’t until he walked into the hallway to grumble at everyone about their whereabouts that he found Ryan on his knees in the dining room, carefully steaming the garments before hanging them in dry cleaner bags once they were perfectly wrinkle-free. Jasper had laughed under his breath, guilt bubbling at his knee jerk reaction. There was no boasting from Ryan, just complete follow through on his promise. For the first time in as long as Jasper could remember, they’d been a true team.

Ryan withdrew his hand and settled it back on his lap. The loss of contact was disappointing, but when Jasper looked over, Ryan looked ready to pass out.

“You look ready for bed,” Jasper said.

Ryan nodded. “I think so. Today took a lot out of me.”

“It’s like cumulative exhaustion. I imagine having a baby is thirty times worse.”

“At least,” Ryan said, laughing. “But yeah, I am beat. I need to go to bed.”

That was good, he thought. There was no need to rush anything. A not-small part of him was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for Ryan to let him down again, and until that feeling faded, Jasper had to be cautious.

They stood up and made their way towards the bedrooms. The guest bedroom was first, where a brand-new mattress with clean sheets was set up and ready to go, and Ryan stopped at the doorway. His gaze drifted from Jasper's eyes to his mouth and back again. There was nothing subtle about it. After everything that had passed between them during those ten minutes they were alone on the couch, Ryan looked hungry for a proper end to their evening.

Jasper met his eyes and let out a quiet sigh. “Goodnight, Ryan.”

Something flickered across Ryan’s face. Disappointment, maybe?

“Goodnight.” He smiled at Jasper. “Possum.”

The bedroom door clicked shut behind him, and Jasper let out a long, slow breath.

Space was good. Space made sense. His head was so crowded with conflicting feelings—but feelings that got less conflicted with every passing minute he spent with Ryan—he needed that space to make sure he wasn’t losing it.

But what if he wasn’t? And what if it was okay that he wanted to sleep in Ryan’s bed with him? What if, just for tonight, he did what he wanted to do instead of the thing that made the most sense?

On the other hand, he might do that and regret it, wake up tomorrow wishing he hadn’t set them back by complicating everything before they were ready.

He changed into a pair of soft pajamas, lingering over each step of his bedtime routine, just in case brushing his teeth a little longer or moisturizing his face a little more thoroughly before climbing into bed might convince his body it was ready for sleep.

It didn’t work. He stared up at the ceiling, then rolled on his side, then onto his back. He flipped his pillow over and squeezed his eyes shut, begging for sleep. Nothing helped.

Fifteen minutes later, he was no closer to sleep than he was when he’d climbed under his covers.

“Fuck it.”

A few seconds later, he stood outside Ryan’s bedroom. There was no answer to his soft knock. Jasper held his breath and pushed the door open to find Ryan fast asleep. His deep, steady breathing said he was lost to the world, which let Jasper breathe a little easier himself. Ryan’s arm was sprawled across the bed, his hand resting where Jasper’s body would be if he’d already made his way in.

He slipped under the blankets as carefully as he could, trying not to make any noise. Ryan shifted and let out a sleepy hum, instinctively rolling towards the middle of the bed until his shoulder bumped into Jasper’s. The knot in Jasper’s gut loosened, and he was asleep within minutes.

Chapter Nineteen

Jasper spentmost of the next day mulling over how to approach Ryan with his thoughts on their relationship. It was undeniable that things had shifted during their sisters’ vacation. Despite Jasper’s initial efforts to fight it, he thought now he did want to explore what could redevelop with Ryan, and part of him worried it might be too late. It was risky, but he hoped, worth exploring.

Nina and Winnie had returned to their mothers’ houses, thank God, but Ryan hadn’t mentioned his plans going forward. It wasn’t clear if Ryan expected to stay at the house, or if he was going back to Beni’s, or even to Boston. Jasper sent him a text earlier asking if he’d like to have dinner together, just the two of them, to celebrate the unveiling of the new science lab Jasper had worked the entire previous year to secure funding for.

Ryan had sent an affirmative text back right away, which had made Jasper feel unexpectedly buoyant. His excitement energized him through his workday, carrying him all the way to the restaurant they used to love, to pick up Ryan’s favorite Hainanese chicken takeout. Jasper sent another text letting him know he’d be waiting, and they could have dinner wheneverRyan got home. He said it that way, too—whenever you get home—in the hopes that Ryan would notice the word choice.

Ryan’s response,I’ll be home by five, had been the answer he’d been hoping for.

Normally, Jasper would be more cautious than this. Maybe it was just that his cold was finally gone, or maybe it was that the sun was shining for the first time in a couple weeks, but whatever the reason, he was allowing himself to get his hopes up. He believed, deep down—despite the small annoyances that came with a life lived with another person—Ryan had changed. Maybe he had, too.

But when it closed in on seven o’clock, the food had moved to the refrigerator, cold and uneaten; the beer Jasper bought from Ryan’s favorite brewery slowly warmed on the counter;and Jasper was settled on a kitchen bar stool, alone, glad he hadn’t been stupid enough to tell Stevie his plans or put Ryan’s clean laundry back into his drawers.