Page 79 of Stubborn as a Shadow

“And Gage is a demon. He knows about people, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“And how long ago was it that Gage found you?”

“I don’t know exactly. I was pretty out of it at the time. I think the Sun King was still in Versailles.”

I gaped. “Oh my magic… Did you wear a cloak back then?”

Nelson rolled his eyes at my attempt at levity, but his mouth quirked a little before he got serious again. “I promised Gage that I’d never steal from anyone for personal gain again.”

I did a tiny bit of math. “So… you’ve been with Gage all that time?”

“Time doesn’t absolve me,” he argued.

“No, but I think maybe Gage did. He gave you a second chance.”

“I’m trying to explain why you might want to hit pause on this,” Nelson said. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. There are lots of other things we can do without penetration.”

“No way. Nope, I don’t want to be at arm’s length. I much prefer having your arms around me instead.” I squeezed him. “I want you, Nelson. I want you to be my first.”And my always.But I didn’t say that last part aloud.

“Why?”

“Because I do. That probably doesn’t sound like a great reason, but honestly that’s never happened before. No one else did it for me.” I held him tight. “Just you.”

I’d hold him as long as he needed me to. I’d show him he couldn’t scare me away.

So what if we didn’t get to use the lube tonight. One step at a time, right?

Man, I hated going slow. It was so much better to leap in with all four hooves. But for Nelson, I could do it.

30

WE SHOULDN’T DO THIS

NELSON

We stayed wrapped in one another’s arms for a long time. Morgan didn’t try to get away from me. He seemed to take my insecurities as a challenge to overcome.

And that made me second guess everything.

I knew I’d been going all hot and cold on him. I had been doing that right from the beginning… maybe even before I met him. Yeah. I’d been fighting against this moment since I’d first seen Morgan’s image in the oracle’s painting. That’d given me a lot of time to figure out all the reasons Morgan and I shouldn’t do this.

But now that I’d confessed to Morgan and shown him the worst parts of myself, the part of me that insisted he was mine was suddenly stronger than my arguments. Our conversation had silenced them. Obliterated them, really. Until all that was left was how much I wanted Morgan.

Because what if?

What if we were more compatible than I thought? What if rainbows needed darkness to balance the light? What if we were better together than apart? What if he didn’t leave me?

Did I believe that? I wasn’t sure. But I wished I could.

But I was enough of a pragmatist to accept this might be all I’d ever have with Morgan.

Gage always said I was a planner, anticipating what would happen ten minutes or ten hours or ten days into the future. He attributed that to my shadow side. A shadow jumper always needed to know where the shadows would be. It made us look at the world differently.

Except ever since I’d met Morgan, I hadn’t been strategizing. I’d been consumed with the need to get him to safety, but beyond that? Nope. Nothing. I’d just been reacting.

It wasn’t like me at all.