Page 9 of 10 Things I Skate About You

And that did it.

That was when I knew I would prove to him that I’m not scared I’m going to have a good time. I’m going to prove to him that I’ll have a terrible time. I’m going to wear something ugly and hate every second of that date, and then I will let everyone know how awful it was when I rant about it on the podcast.

“Do you have this in black faux leather, by any chance?” Eunice asks one of the shop girls while holding up a corset.

I shudder and throw up in my mouth a little. In general, I can handle knowing that my best friends have procreated with my brothers, but I am not well adjusted enough to picture them wearing lingerie for those apes. “You do realize Lance would be grateful to receive a Valentine’s Day BJ from you even if you’rewearing a Chewbacca costume, right?” I remind her. “You are so out of his league.”

“I’m buying this foryouto wear on your date, sweetie,” she states very plainly. I can’t tell if she’s joking. I can never tell if she’s joking.

“Ha ha. Thanks—I’ll wear it undermyChewbacca costume.”

“I’m not kidding,” she says. Looking at Tina, she adds, “Tell her I’m not kidding.”

“Babe,” Tina says as she loops her arm through mine. “This thing is bigger than all of us. Everyone is so excited that the third member of The Shrew Crew is merging with another member of the brew crew.”

“I am not going to merge with him, and also everyone is crazy.” I’ve been tagged with him around forty thousand times on social media ever since the charity event. People have created the ship name #Fogueley. It’s appropriately horrible. This is literally my nightmare, but I don’t hate that Phoenix might see one of these posts.

If I’m being honest, I sort of love that if I go out with Foley and have a famously terrible time, it has the potential to annoy both himandPhoenix.

Although…if Phoenix is going to see the inevitable pictures and videos of me and Foley on a date, I should probably look amazing. And like I’m having a good time. That’s it. That’s the play.

I’ll look like I’m having a good time for the cameras, but I’ll make it clear to Foley that I’m hating every minute with him.

“Okay, you’ve convinced me,” I say to myself.

“Great!” Eunice says as she hands me a pair of over-the-knee socks. “Wear these with that sweater dress and your sexy boots.”

“Dammit, that will look fantastic,” I mumble. “Fine, but let it be known that I am not going to enjoy this date. At all. And also it’s not a real date if I’m going unwillingly. Because, as Ihave made it very clear to everyone for approximately forever, I cannot stand Adam Foley.”

“Sure, honey.” Eunice pats me on the cheek. “Because a woman who made up twenty-seven nicknames for a guy isn’t obsessed with him—she’s just really thorough.”

“But also,” Tina says after finishing off her third handheld Belgian waffle, “that motherfucker is hot and he’s a really good hockey player. You should hit that.”

I gasp. Genuinely horrified. “I thought you were my friend.”

“I am. I’m your bestiest bestie of all time. And I should have told you how I really felt about Phoenix.” She blows raspberries and gives a thumbs down. “But this thing between you and Adam? I’ve been watching it happen for ten years, and I’ve been patiently waiting for you to figure it out.”

“Thing? There’s nothing. Not a thing.” I polish off my mimosa. “Nothing to figure out.”

“I saw it immediately, and I got sick of waiting,” Eunice says as she replaces the empty glass in my hand with another mimosa. “It was cute at first, but watching someone be in denial about something like this for more than a few months is beyond frustrating—it’s just boring. That is not a good story arc, and the show needs a revamp.”

“It’s not a show, it’s my life.”

“You’re my only single friend left, so yes, you’re my show and we’re hiring new writers. Us. We’re the new writers. The Valentine’s Day episode better kill because there’s a lot riding on it.”

“Seriously? You think I’m in denial? I thoughtyou guys, of all people, would understand that it’s a bit. It’s comedy. It’s a recurring bit that’s part of my brand. Look what it did for the podcast! We went viral because of my bit.”

“Oh, honey.” Tina rubs my back. “First of all, it was a thing long before the pod, and secondly, the pod went viral because everyone can see that you’re into him. How do you not get that?”

“Okay, you guys are freaking me out. Now I’m nervous.”

“You should be,” Eunice says as she hands me a G-string thong on a hanger. “It’s a big deal.”

“What would even be the point of wearing that thing? I could just stick a black Post-it over my hooha and save forty-seven dollars.”

“That’s actually a great idea,” Tina says. “A Post-it with the Icebreakers logo drawn on it. Adam will tear it right off.”

“I’m so excited she’s finally going to get laid properly,” Eunice says to Tina, as if I’m not standing between them.