Page 22 of Sleeper: The Palisades Edition

I can memorize all of my dialogue after reading a script twice, but I only know the first couple of lines to every song I’ve ever heard. Singing breaks my brain, but I swear, Margo can tell if someone hasn’t brushed their teeth from six thousand miles away and I’ll be damned if I’m going to look like a totally incompetent father today.Fuck you, Pirates of Penzance.

“I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral.”

She starts moving the toothbrush up and down.

“Keep brushing Summer Miller or you’re gonna be in big trouble. If not your teeth will all fall out and it will look just terrible. Go up and down and front and back and don’t forget the bottom ones. La-la-la-lah-bah-puh-buh-bah!”

“Enough!” she orders, shaking her head like a tiny Simon Cowell with a mouth full of foam. “Stop!”

“What? You don’t like that song?”

She spits into the sink and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “I don’t like your voice on that one.”

“You’ve heard me sing before, so why do you keep making me do it?”

“I thought you’d get better!”

I fill a little cup with water and hand it to her. “Such an optimist. Rinse.”

“Found the iPad!” Lucky calls out from the hallway, sounding like he’s been searching for hours.

“Thanks, buddy. Wipe your mouth with the towel, not the back of your hand,” I say to Summer as I walk out of the bathroom.

“Abby’s dad can sing!”

“Yeah, but Abby’s dad can’t act and he isn’t funny. Trust me. I’ve seen him onSaturday Night Live.” I take the iPad from Lucky. “Actually, you know what, I have to have a little chat with your mom first. Why don’t you guys wait for me in the family room.”

“Can we watch?—”

“No!”

“Mean!” Summer stomps down the hall to the family room.

“Ohhhh no! You gotta sit in the family room for two minutes without watching TV! Your life is so hard!”

I initiate a Skype call with Margo as I carry the iPad back into the kitchen, sliding the door shut.

The videowindow opens up after two rings. “Finally. I can barely stay awake.”

“Welcome tomyworld.”

“Where are they?”

“In the family room. Just listen. I’ve found a nanny.”

She purses her lips, just like Summer did.

“Nico’s sister is staying with him. She just came back from France, where she was a nanny to two French kids while she was getting her master’s degree in…perfume design or something. She’s a perfumer. Her name’s Willa.”

“I forgot Nico had a sister.”

“So did I. But she’s here. I just met up with them this afternoon. She’s twenty-four, super nerdy and responsible and down-to-earth. She’s into natural stuff and aromatherapy, and she’s about to open up an Etsy store and she wants to make perfume for a living. She’s trained for it.”

I know my ex-wife so well—I can literally read her thoughts as she processes this information.

Gwyneth.

Goop.