Page 71 of Defend Her Heart

I don’t know how to unpack everything it might mean. If I stayed with Connor, that would mean walking through his penthouse full of rooms that feel like stepping into an alternate version of our life.

The life we were supposed to have.

He held onto our dream all these years while I thought it was long gone. I don’t know what the fuck to do with that.

“Let me sleep on it.”

Tamara hums and opens her laptop back up, returning to work. I clean up the food and put the rest of the take out containers in the refrigerator.

Before I go to bed, I open his text thread one more time, reading the last message he sent. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep shortly after, having those sweet dreams he wished for me.

Every single one of them starring him.

“Down low, Koskinen wraps the puck around the net attempting to stuff it in, but Hutchison sticks it aside. The Storm’s winger, Brooks, scoops it up and takes off up the ice. Whoa! Smith throws a hard hip check at the blue line and Brooks goes flying. Connor Smith with the puck. He’s driving the net. Jefferson joins the rush making a two on one. Smith saucers the puck over to Jefferson. He fires off a wrister, GOAL! That puck flew right over Hutchison’s shoulder. The Bobcats take the 1–0 lead late in the third period.”

I watch as the Bobcats make their way to the bench, my eyes never leaving Connor. He’s been back in town for a week now, but I still haven’t found the courage to ask him if I can stay with him. Tamara needs to book her flight this week, so I either need to suck it up and ask him, or suck it up and go stay with Sadie.

Connor’s been playing out of his mind tonight. I’d like to think he’s showing off for me, but I’m smarter than that. The two-week break was good for his groin injury, and the Bobcats are in a great position to make the playoffs if they can finish out the rest of the season the way they’re playing.

My mind drifts to the question I need to ask him, but morespecifically, to his actual apartment. I’m still trying to figure out if I’ll be able to walk through that house, full of our broken dreams.

When I asked him why he did it, he answered simply,because I told you I would. Okay, that was a frickin’ decade ago. Has he not met anyone special since? I wanted more than anything to ask him about his love life, but every time I opened my mouth to do so, I chickened out. Do I really want to know about his past relationships? Hell, I don’t want him to know about mine but it’s pretty impossible to steer clear of that topic considering I’m divorced and now using Connor for his insurance.

The time I’ve spent with Connor since being in Green Bay has been a breath of fresh air. Being new here in Wisconsin, I’m starting off fresh with everyone. I’m still afraid to let my whole self show, but not with Connor. Spending time with himis…nice.Reallynice, actually. I’m not self-conscious about anything when it comes to him. He’s seen me at my best, and now he’s seeing me at my worst, but still, there’s no judgment there.

There’s no pressure to act a certain way. I don’t have to watch what I say in fear I’ll strike a nerve. The last half of my marriage with Bryan I was always on my toes, waiting for the blow up to happen. But with Connor, I’m the most relaxed I’ve felt in a very long time, even after that horrible tilt test. It makes me wonder what it would be like to spend even more time with him.

The rest of the game is a hard-fought battle, but we hold the Colorado Storm off, winning the game 1–0. “Mackenzie with his first shutout of the year. I don’t want to jinx it, Ted, but man, these guys are off to a hot start after the break. Let’s hope they can keep it up.”

Ted and I break down the end of the game for the viewers, and once we’re finished he starts to pack up for the night. I plan on staying for a bit longer to prepare for tomorrow’sgame. We have rare back-to-back home games this week, playing to get the remaining games in since the league missed two weeks of play, and I want to get a jump on my notes.

“Don’t stay too late, kiddo. You’ve had a long day,” Ted says from the door of the booth.

His sentiment hits me square in the chest. I turn in my chair and give him my warmest smile. “I won’t. I’ll even set a timer for a half hour to hold myself accountable.”

Ted nods and wishes me a good night.

Checking my heart rate on my smart watch, I see that I’m still within normal range but it’s creeping up slowly after a long night of work. I set the timer on my phone, knowing I shouldn’t stay longer than thirty minutes, and get to work.

When the alarm goes off signaling my time is up, I put my pen down and clean up my space. I’m feeling prepared for tomorrow’s game, but I’m also feeling something else.

Happy.

I’m assuming no one on the team is going out tonight since they play again tomorrow, so I make my way toward the lobby to call a rideshare. My car has been acting up again so I didn’t drive today. I bypass the room for the families, not wanting to stay here any longer. I may not be displaying any symptoms right now but fuck, I am tired.

I turn the corner to where the elevators are and see a six-foot-five hunk of man standing off to the side, chatting with a security guard. The moment he spots me, he says something to the man, shakes his hand, then starts heading my way.

My heart picks up speed, but for once I know it has nothing to do with illness and everything to do with the man standing in front of me.

“Nice game tonight. That was one hell of a hit on Brooks in the third. You were playing up like a man possessed.”

Connor stuffs his hands in the pocket of his black dress pants and rocks back on his heels. “Thanks. I may have been showing off a bit.”

Does he mean for me? His face gives nothing away. Not wanting to know for sure, I change the subject.

“Were you waiting for someone?” I look around for Niko or any of his teammates he could’ve been waiting for.

“Yeah, I was.”