Page 42 of Vow of Desire

“I am sorry,” I cry. “I just want to be good enough. Why am I not good enough?”

He walks closer to me and I don’t move away, even as he wraps his arms around me. After a moment, I hug him back, clinging to him like I might die otherwise. Matteo and I are bound together for life now. He’s the only one I can depend on going forward and that just confuses me even more. How can I want this man and be scared of him at the same time?

The longer Matteo holds me, the more I start to wonder: is it truly Matteo I’m afraid of?

Or is it myself that I’m afraid of? My imperfections. My failings. My wants and my desires.

My desire for this man who challenges me. That scares me most of all and that’s a hard thing to admit.

Chapter Eleven

Luciana

Iwake up beside Matteo and for the first time since we’ve been married, I don’t feel fear. I’m in his arms. It’s a comforting place. What does it say about me that I can find comfort in the arms of a man like Matteo?

My mind is still confused. Still conflicted and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

He wakes up when I pull away from him. Last night, I was so emotionally distraught over my conversation with my father that I cried myself to sleep. Matteo held me the entire time.

“What are you doing?” he asks in a groggy voice.

I freeze. “Hi… Morning.”

“Are you pulling away from me again?”

“I’m sorry. Am I doing something wrong?”

He sighs and runs his hand down his face. “No. I just don’t want you to pull away. But if you want to, then you can. I won’t force you to stay in my arms.”

“That’s not –,” I cut myself off.

He quirks an eyebrow. “That’s not what? Tell me, Luciana. Open up to me. How many times do I have to ask you to do that?”

“I fell asleep in your arms. It just happened.”

“It did. Is there something wrong with that?”

“No,” I admit.

“But?”

I sigh and slump onto the bed. “But I just feel like I shouldn’t like it.”

“Because of the bad things I have done.”

“Yes.” My hands wring together until my fingers turn paper white.

He takes my hands in his and holds them, not saying anything for a long moment. I don’t pull away. His hands feel nice. “I can keep telling you to not fear me. I can treat you like a monster. I could tie you to this bed again. I could spank you. I could treat you like a queen. And you’re still going to think what you want to think. Only you can change your opinion of me. But I want to show you things. So many things that will open your eyes to the real world. Let me.”

I know this is the moment where things can change. I just have to let him in.

A part of me is still terrified to do so but another part of me wants to give in to him.

I think back to the pleasure he’s shown me before and I want to experience it again. I want to not be so afraid. I want to get lost in that pleasure and forget my mind for a moment.

“Ok,” I whisper.

His eyes darken and it makes my stomach tingle. Despite everything, I’m still attracted to Matteo. His presence is sexy while also intimidating. Will that ever change?