Page 39 of Vow of Desire

“Luciana? I’m glad to see you. What are you doing here?” He tries to pull me in for a hug but I back away.

“Can I come in?” My tone is clipped. Father frowns but lets me in without questions. The second the door closes behind me, I whirl around to face him. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

He blinks. “Tell you what?”

“Anything!” My voice echoes through the large foyer. “You kept me in the dark on so much my entire life and you just expected me to figure it all out after I was married. You didn’t prepare me for this life.”

“Yes, I did. I told you from a young age that you would be married some day. I raised you with love all on my own after your mother died. I was a good father to you. Why are you looking at me like I’ve betrayed you?”

“Because, despite your love, Dad, you never truly prepared me for any of this. I wasn’t taught about my body. I wasn’t taught what was right and wrong in a marriage. I was taught to be good and polite and courteous. I was taught to follow my husband. But you never taught me what it would be like to actually be married. To actually have a husband. To be challenged in this way. You never prepared me.”

A flash of anger crosses his eyes. “I did my best with you. You were given everything. You don’t get to come into my home and yell at me for that.”

“You gave me nice clothes and a warm bed. And yes, you always showed me love. But you didn’t prepare me for the world. The actual world. That’s what I’m saying. You never taught me about my body.”

He averts his gaze and runs his hand along his neck. “Why would I have? I’m your father. Not your mother.”

“And my mother is dead. She’s been dead for so many years now. If you couldn’t do what she was supposed to do then you should have found another woman to teach me. Someone. Anyone!”

“Why are you yelling at me?”

“Because I’m angry! Because I don’t know anything! And it’s because of you. I’m drowning in my marriage because of you. I don’t know what’s right and wrong because of you. I tried being a perfect wife because that’s what you taught me. But even that’s not good enough. My husband expects things from my body – things that feel good and are confusing – and I have no idea if they’re right or wrong. Because I was taught nothing.”

His face is red and he still can’t look me in the eye. It’s embarrassing for him, I realize. But how does he think it makes me feel? “You were told where babies come from. Isn’t that enough?”

“No,” I breathe out. “It wasn’t.”

“It’s up to your husband to teach you,” he says, clearing his throat. “I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s uncomfortable.”

“I’m so sorry my life is making you uncomfortable. If you had just given me the right education I needed, then I wouldn’t be here, making you uncomfortable. Just because I’m your little girl, Daddy, doesn’t mean you just get to walk away from this. You should have done better.”

“I raised you with everything!” he shouts. “I did the best I could after your mother died.”

“You fed me to the wolves. You let me walk into a lion’s den with no knowledge. It shouldn’t have been my husband who had to teach me these things. Because now I don’t even know if I’m supposed to trust my husband. I don’t know if I’m supposed to like the things he does to me.”

“Enough,” he says with a raised hand. “I don’t need to know those things.”

My chest squeezes in panic. “Maybe you should know what he’s done to me. I’m not just your little girl anymore. I’m a married woman now. I did my duty for this family. For your men. For peace. You don’t get to bury your head in the sand just because you don’t want to hear it. I needed to know more andyou should have made sure I knew more. Even if you weren’t capable of it yourself, you should have found someone who would have told me.”

“Fine,” he snaps. “I guess I did you wrong. But I was just trying to protect you. There’s nothing wrong about a father wanting to protect his daughter.”

“No. There isn’t. But there is something wrong about you not telling me I was supposed to marry Matteo before I met him. There is something wrong about the fact that you knew for months and never told me. All because you wanted me to be your little girl longer. You were doing that for you. Not for me. You always protected me for you, Dad. But if you had really wanted to protect me, you should have given me what I actually needed. Information. Knowledge. That’s what I needed.”

He stares at the floor, breathing heavy. It hurts my soul that he can’t look me in the eye. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s the reality that I am my own person now and no longer just his little girl.

No matter the reason, it still hurts that he won’t look at me.

“Is that what you came here for?” he asks in a low voice. “To yell at me? To berate me?”

I flinch. “I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I’m confused. I feel like I have to take it all on my own.”

“You’ve never spoken to me this way before.”

“Because I was trying to be the good girl you and everyone else expected of me. But I’m starting to see that staying quiet hasn’t helped anything. It’s only caused me more pain. And I needed you to know this. I needed you to know that I’m hurting, Daddy.”

It happens so fast, it startles me. He breaks down crying. It starts off small before it comes full body sobs.

“Daddy?”