Page 32 of Vow of Desire

But I’m always reminded that I let the man who has hurt people touch me and I enjoyed it. What does that say about me?

My life would be easier as a widow. Then I wouldn’t have to fight so hard to be the perfect wife. I could just be on my own.I wouldn’t have to be pushed like this. Questioned like this. Inspected like this.

But I can’t get my hand to grab the knife. I can’t kill Matteo. I’m stuck, once again.

He’s at work, doing who knows what. Mafia work. Bad work.

It’s better I don’t think too hard about it.

The last thing I can do is stay here in this house, feeling like I’m losing my mind.

“Enzo,” I say as I walk outside. “I need to get my hair done.”

He doesn’t question me this time. At least I’m allowed out of the house. It’s one nice thing Matteo has done for me.

My mind flashes back to his hand between my legs and I blush. I press my legs together on the drive. Enzo’s eyes are on the road and not me so at least I can sit here in my own shame.

I loved what Matteo did to me and I can’t stop thinking about it.

My hairdresser talks away as I listen. It’s easier than speaking and admitting something out loud I don’t want to admit. Normally, my time at the hair salon is a relaxing one.

But today, my mind is in overdrive.

I have to be perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect. It repeats over and over in my head until I feel like I’m losing my mind. Give in to my husband. Fight my husband. Give in. Fight. Give in. Fight.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is but what I do know is that I can’t go back home right now. I need space. I need freedom to think.

I glance out the front window of the salon to where Enzo is waiting for me. He’s leaning against the car on his phone. Not paying me any attention.

“Sicily,” I say to my hairdresser as she fluffs my hair, finishing her work. “Can I go out the back door?”

“Why? Is something wrong?”

“Yes. You see that man out there? He’s my bodyguard.” Sicily does the hair for a lot of mafia women so she understands the life I’m in. “I just need a moment of freedom. You can understand.”

“Of course. Feel free to use the back door. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you so much.” My legs ache as I stand up. All this tension inside my body is going to kill me one day.

Before I can stop myself, I walk out the back door and into a small alleyway. There’s no one else around. It won’t take long for Enzo to realize I’m gone. If I want a moment to myself, I have to go now.

My legs and feet are moving towards the sidewalk and then I’m off. The city is bustling this time of day. Lunch time. That helps me blend in to the crowds of people. A glance behind me shows that Enzo isn’t following me. He must not know I left yet.

I don’t stop walking until I make it to a park. Large trees interlock above to create a beautiful archway, protecting me from the sun. I find a bench to sit on and breathe. Just breathe.

It’s nice to not be watched. To feel like I have a moment to myself.

The cool air this time of year helps relax me and gives my mind clarity. I am married to Matteo for the rest of my life and I have to make the most out of it.

Even if it scares me. Even if it’s not what I want. Even if it is what I want.

I feel someone watching me and when I look over my shoulder, I see that Enzo is heading straight towards me. I get to my feet and move without realizing what I’m doing. I’m not ready to go back home yet.

I join a large group of women walking and sneak out from them and enter into the nearest restaurant I can find. Enzo walks past the restaurant, still searching for me.

I sigh.

“What are you doing in here?” a man asks.