Page 60 of Breathing Under Water

“That’s it?” I demand. “He places me at a dumpster, with wet hair,during a rainstorm, and that’s enough to convince you I’m guilty as charged?”

“I’ve seen you when somebody pisses you off, McKenna. I know how nuts you can get, and I know how mad you were about what happened.”

“Yeah, sometimes I yell, but I don’t go around destroying property. Is this seriously what you think of me?”

“Look, I don’t know if you did or if you didn’t mess up the pool at the club. Whether it was your grandma’s old gardening supplies you were chucking into that dumpster or empty gas cans, it’s almost beside the point. I saw how you acted with Coach with my own eyes. Landing yourself in the middle of all this drama, it’s seriously problematic. It isn’t good for any of us. You know as well as I do that swimming and the team always come first. That’s where your focus should have been, and it’s where my focus needs to be. Vandalism, destruction of property,assault... I’ve worked too long and too hard to be associated with anything like that, and I don’t doubt for one second that you’d say the same if the tables were turned.”

Her words are such a shock, I find myself gasping for breath. None of this makes any sense. My entire world has become unrecognizable.

“But I would never get involved in things like that! You know I wouldn’t!” I shout back at her.

“Actually, Idon’tknow, McKenna. I don’t know that at all. Rae and I saw all that cash falling out of your wallet last month at the Sizz. Before the yard sale, before you sold the house. That was really just from swim lessons? Who knows what cagey shit you’ve been doing? I don’t mean to be a bitch. Really, I don’t. But I can’t risk letting you bring me or the team down along with you.”

“What? Everyone feels this way?”

“You know how it is, McKenna. I’m sorry.”

“Wait, we’re just, like, done? After everything?”

“Work out your shit,” she answers more gently. The sadness I detect in her voice hits me like a brick to the face as she adds, “Find somewhere else to stay. Believe it or not, I will be rooting for you to find your way.”

“Somewhere else to stay? I don’t have anywhere...” I stop speaking as I realize she’s hung up.

At some point during our conversation, I stood, though I don’t remember doing it. I look around the garden in confusion. As I start replaying the conversation in my head, Mauricia finally emerges from the building.

Thank goodness, because there’s never been a moment when I’ve needed Glory more.

But as Mauricia approaches me, she says, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but your grandma’s fallen asleep. It took a while to settle her, and I think the agitation was just too much for her.”

“I can wait,” I say.

Mauricia hears the sogginess in my voice and puts a hand on my arm.

“There’s no telling how long she’ll stay down, or who she’ll be when she wakes up. I’m sorry, honey, but I think it’s best to prepare yourself. She was your caretaker, but now you’re hers. Roles have a way of reversing like that, whether we like it or not. Now it’s time to just focus on how you can give her the comfort and peace she needs.”

But I don’t have anything to give her. I don’t have anything at all.

Three Months Later

29

McKenna

October 2023

The morning sky is still dark as I peer outside the door of the recreation center. The last thing I want is to bump into any of my former teammates and have them realize I’m using the school’s fitness facility for my regular showers. The staff hasn’t questioned my odd hours. It’s been easy enough to pull off since they all recognize my face from before, but I don’t want people knowing this building has been my only option for decent hygiene.

The October air has just recently turned cooler, and it’s uncomfortable against my wet hair as I hurry to the car. I drop my toiletry bag into the passenger seat and sink behind the wheel of the Camry. There are still three hours before my first class, and I have a pharmacology test I haven’t finished studying for. I decide to move the car to a lot on the south side of campus. I’ll have to take a shuttle from there to the library, but I can’t knock the free parking.

After Lark excommunicated me over the summer, the rest of the team decided to follow her lead. I couldn’t believe they’d just write me off like that. All of them, like a bunch of sheep. WhenI confronted Rae, she told me it was a direct order from Coach: “No contact, no drama, no exceptions.” He warned them that the NCAA might investigate and that the best way to protect themselves and their swim careers was to stay far away from me.

It doesn’t seem to matter that no one ever found any actual evidence of me being involved in the vandalism. Even so, I’ve been entirely cut off. Couch surfing between my friends’ dorms and apartments obviously became beyond the realm of possibility.

Things might have turned out fine if the landlord with the one affordable apartment I found would have been willing to accept a lessee with no credit history. He did offer to waive the credit requirements if I could provide a cosigner. For a split second, I thought about asking Coach, but then my brain landed back on planet earth.

Luckily, Glory’s Camry has a pretty comfortable backseat, and no one seems to bother me if I find an out-of-the-way parking spot for the night. I haven’t figured out yet what I’ll do when the winter weather arrives. Probably no one would notice if I slept at a library carrel high up in the stacks with my head down on a desk. Students pull all-nighters studying all the time during college, don’t they? I could probably also spend a night here or there in student lounges. It won’t be like this forever, and once I graduate with my nursing degree, everything will be better. I’ll be able to get a job, earn money, and have enough financial security that I won’t need anyone. Maybe then I’ll stop getting attached to more people who are only going to abandon me.

I make my way up the steps of the library and find a seat at a table on the main floor, where more people tend to congregate. It’snot the best spot for serious studying—lots of people coming and going, creating distractions as they walk by. But lately I’ve been finding that the quietness of deserted places feels oppressive.