Page 49 of Breathing Under Water

July 2023

My strokes have been sloppy all morning. I’m letting my hands enter the water too wide, my knees are bending early, and the intervals between my breaths are short and uneven. The mistakes are costing me, and I’m losing energy fast. I’m not surprised when I notice Coach Cat’s red flip-flops in my line of sight.

Reaching the end of the lane, I grab the edge of the pool and look up at him through my goggles.

“Sonny, a word?” he asks.

I’m sure I’m about to hear how he expects better from me. Even though I could feel the errors in the water, I couldn’t manage to correct them. I pull off my goggles and climb out, ready to take my lumps.

“I know I was a mess today, Coach,” I say, still gulping air.

He doesn’t answer, instead passing me the towel he’s holding and motioning for me to follow him.

If we’re taking this conversation to the bleachers, it’s about something bigger than one bad practice. The other swimmers are still finishing their laps, some of them watching as Coach and I pass. Lark is standing at the foot of her lane, and when oureyes meet, she pulls down the corners of her mouth in a “yikes” expression. I shrug back at her, hoping against hope that this conversation is about something other than Hollyhock.

Coach finally stops walking when we get to the far side of the room.

As we sit, he says, “Paula and I took Vanessa for dinner at the club last night.”

My stomach drops. I already texted him two days ago to let him know I was let go over a disagreement about the special-needs group. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to reveal more than that.

I bite my lip and wait for whatever’s coming next.

“They’re saying you assaulted a club member. Tell me I misunderstood.” His dark eyes bear down on me.

“It wasn’t like that,” I start, forcing myself to maintain eye contact. “I didn’t mean for her to fall. I was going for her purse, just trying to make a point about her privilege and her stupid Balenciaga bag. But then she fell.”

He lets out a long sigh, clearly disappointed that I can’t disprove the story he’s heard.

“Sonny, how could you let this happen? That’s the real world out there. It’s not like school, where you’re a hotshot because you’re on the swim team and can get away with acting however you damn please. Hollyhock is a place of business. With real people who don’t know shit about you. At the club, you’re not the star. You’re the help. You can’t be putting your hands on people. Not ever. I assumed you’d know better.”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt her, Coach. Honest. And anyway, that woman is fine.”

“She’s fine.” He throws his hands in the air as if I’ve justmade the world’s dumbest statement. “I went out on a limb for you, Sonny, and you embarrassed me. I just don’t know what you could have been thinking. The last thing we need is for the NCAA to hear about this. I really should be reporting this to the scholarship committee.”

When he mentions the scholarship committee, I realize just how angry I’ve made him.

“I didn’t mean to let you down, Coach, but doesn’t the whole situation at Hollyhock just make you so mad?” If I can get him to see it from my point of view, maybe he’ll understand. “These women with their fancy clothes and private tennis lessons who don’t want to share their pool for even just a few hours a week? They don’t want to make a difference for kids who appreciate the opportunity way more than the club members do.” An image flashes through my mind of Matthew on his back in the water, his gap-toothed grin so wide when he finally managed to float on his own. When I remember it now, everything inside me hurts.

“No, Sonny,” Coach answers. “It actually does not make me mad. Not at the club members, at least. The people at Hollyhock pay a lot of money to belong there, and they have the right to decide how they want the facilities to be used. Your job isn’t to question that. It’s to respect it. Mouthing off to the members about their choices isn’t something you should be proud of. What you should have done was apologize for the disruptive class, accept the hand you were dealt, maybe thank them for letting you use the pool as long as they did, and then find another way to get your service hours!”

The hand I was dealt.Maybe I just can’t be a role model at all times, forever trying to live up to this ideal people want fromme. My fingers curl into fists as I try to contain my rage. If I can just squeeze hard enough, maybe I can keep it all in check.

“You still have a deadline coming up for those hours. Now what are you going to do?” His face is flushed, and it’s clear I’m not the only one trying to contain myself.

I’d been thinking about asking Coach to get me an extension, hoping maybe he could speak to the committee on my behalf, but clearly it’s not the time to request that.

“I’ll figure it out,” I answer, hoping I’m right. We stare at each other a moment—processing the situation, I guess—and something in his gaze makes me feel as though he’s seeing a new part of me, the shitty side, the angry girl who maybe never deserved to be here in the first place. I look away, not wanting him to find any other parts of me he might not like. With my eyes toward the wet floor, the red of my toenails a bright contrast to the gray tiles beneath my feet, I ask, “Do you really have to report this to the committee?”

He’s silent, and my heart speeds up. He actually may have been serious.

“What if they suspend me from the team?” I ask, suddenly filled with panic. I can’t lose my spot. Swimming is the only thing people have ever respected me for. Even worse, the thought of being separated from my teammates, being tossed out of the group like a soldier dishonorably discharged... What would that do to the friendships I’ve built? These people are my family. The only family I really have left. The routine of our practices, the regular forced proximity, is something I simply cannot lose, especially not when the rest of my life is such a mess.

“That’s not really their call to make,” Coach says, and I canhear the warning he’s giving me. Though the committee makes decisions about money, the grants and conditions, Coach is in charge of who is or isn’t allowed to swim with the team.

“I’ll make it up to the people at the club, Coach,” I plead, feeling frantic. “I’ll do anything you want. It was so stupid of me, I know. I’ll go there and apologize again.” I try to think of anything else I can do to redeem myself.

“No.” He holds up a hand. “Do not go to Hollyhock. Nobody wants to see you there. I assured Kathleen last night that I’d find someone else to fill your role and that you’d be staying far, far away.”