Page 54 of Counting Backwards

I stared back at her with what I imagine were vacant eyes. Even so, I somehow ended up rising to my feet and doing as she said. I dragged myself from the bed, pulled my work dress over my head, and got back to work. I didn’t feel much alive then, I can tell you that, but somehow I started the day like she wanted.

***

Four weeks later, when I was fixing supper for Flora and James, I was still ruminating over all I’d lost. As I spooned creamed collards onto the children’s plates, there came a knock at the front door.

“I’ll get it!” James shouted, jumping out of his seat. He was always hoping the Bible man would be coming back around to tell the children more stories. Following behind him, I wiped my hands on my smock. Mine wasn’t brown like the one Mrs. Libby wore all the livelong day, but a light pink that had pleased me backwhen I’d first arrived at her house. I hurried to help James reach the latch before Mrs. Libby heard the knocking carrying on too long.

When the door swung open, there standing on the stoop was my old friend Billy again, and I’ll confess, my heart took a deep breath at the sight of him. He was holding a small arrangement of daisies, and he wore an expression on his face that I recognized from years past. To my surprise, this time I welcomed the question in his eyes. With all that had been took from me, I realized then, I must do like Mrs. Libby said and move forward in any way I could. I was not whole, nor would I ever be. I had been robbed in all the ways that mattered to me. I had but one thing left, and that was my own heart. I took Billy’s hand and invited him in.

19

Jessa

April 2022

When I awoke, my arm moved reflexively toward Vance’s side of the bed. My fingers found the covers still perfectly in place on his side, as if even the bedding wanted to hound the point that Vance was gone. Really gone. I was still stunned he’d left. I didn’t know where he would have gone. Maybe a friend’s apartment or a hotel. Could he have taken the car and driven out to his parents’ home in Locust Valley? At the thought of my in-laws, my heart sank. I didn’t want Vance to tell his parents anything about what had happened between us. I didn’t want to think about Renee and Howard listening to Vance’s version of events and shaking their heads, as baffled by my behavior as Vance seemed to be.

As I swung my legs over the side of the bed, my phone pinged from the bedside table. It was a text from my grandmother, ever the early riser.

“Hate to think of you alone with your work all day.Get yourself out of the apartment and come over for lunch.”

Gram must have had a sixth sense about when I needed her. I tapped out a quick response agreeing to meet. At least I still hadGram. I closed my eyes to quiet the words that inevitably followed.For now.

After I brushed my teeth, I fixed myself a sad breakfast of dry whole wheat toast. It was one of the few meals that didn’t make me gag. When I finished, I rinsed the dish and put it in the drying rack next to the sink just as the apartment’s buzzer phone warbled for attention. My first thought was Vance. But that was ridiculous because he wouldn’t have needed the doorman to ring up. Then my stomach clenched as I remembered: Before the argument with Vance, I had emailed Dustin, asking him to stop by and translate some of his notes from the interview.

But now, the idea of spending time with him was even less appealing than usual. And that wasn’t even accounting for the constant low-level nausea I was suffering. But I needed his help, and we both knew it.

I asked the doorman to send him up and quickly cleared a space at the dining table for us to work.

“Hey.” I tried to sound nonchalant, even pleasant, as I opened the door. As usual, Dustin was dressed meticulously, though he looked a little like he was on his way to a nightclub, all turned out in his black slacks and sleek black button-down. He had a fresh shave, and his thick hair, curling just slightly at the collar, caught my eye in a way I wasn’t prepared to acknowledge. Taking in his appearance, I felt that much dowdier, still clad in the sweats I’d slept in.

“Sorry for the mess,” I said as I ushered him inside. “I’ve been printing hard copies of everything that seemed relevant. It’s just easier for me, so please don’t tell me I’m acting like I’m a billion years old. I’m aware that digital files exist.” I scooped a stack of papers off the table and deposited them on the credenza behind us.

“I got staffed on a new matter last night,” he said, taking a seat catty-corner to mine. “Everyone’s going into the office today, so I’m more rushed than I expected. But I’ll stay as long as I can.”

Dustin’s mention of the office, and the thought of energized attorneys getting together on the weekend to discuss a brand-new case, the intensity and excitement of it, made everything about my choices feel suddenly more conspicuous—taking the abrupt leave of absence, jeopardizing my career, risking my entire livelihood. He must have noticed the dismay on my face as he opened his laptop and said, “I thought you just wanted to review the notes from the meeting with Jacinta. That shouldn’t take too long.”

“No, no.” I tried to shake off my bigger concerns. “You’re right. I didn’t realize you were on the clock. But hey,” I said, pulling my laptop closer, “I’m meeting with four other women soon. Well, if I’m lucky. At least two of them will require a Spanish interpreter.” I looked at him hopefully.

He looked up from his computer screen and sucked in air through his teeth.

“What?” I asked, even though I knew what he was about to say.

“Come on, Jessa. You know I can’t do it. This case isn’t on the firm’s roster anymore. It’s one thing for me to come over and talk about it on a weekend, but it’s a whole different level to keep going with you to client meetings.”

“Right, right, no, I know.” I nodded my head, trying not to sound as disappointed as I felt. I’d have to find another interpreter, but I could do that. There were probably lots of human rights organizations out there that would be more than happy to provide the name of someone who could help.

“Jessa,” Dustin said, reaching for my hand.

I looked up at him, startled by the physical contact, and even more surprised that I wasn’t entirely opposed to the feel of his warm hand on top of my own. “I’ll do whatever I can to help. You’rejust putting me in a tough spot. I can’t risk my job. I’m still new, so I don’t have the kind of savings that would allow me to be cavalier. As it is, I’ll be paying off my student loans for a thousand years.”

“No, I get it,” I said. “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty or obligated. This is my fight. I know that.”

He nodded and let go of my hand, and I felt the retreat like a loss. I turned my eyes away from him quickly, back toward my computer screen, wondering how I had arrived at a place in my marriage where my husband had walked out and I was actually relishing touches from Dustin, of all people.

“Let’s just get to it,” I said.

As we dove into the notes from the interview, examining each detail Jacinta had given us and considering the various points of law that might be supported by her testimony, I tried not to get discouraged. Even though I had so adamantly declared my intent to represent the women on my own, I hadn’t really expected to bealonealone. I thought I’d at least have Dustin’s brain to pick and Vance to bounce ideas off. But nope. It was Jessa against the world. Which, frankly, was a feeling I’d experienced so many times in my life that sinking back into it now was like putting on an old, reliable sweater. There was an odd sense of comfort to the familiarity of it.