Page 42 of Counting Backwards

She tilted her head at me, her lips folding in disappointment, as if I was being childish or foolish.

“What?” I demanded.

“Why would you even consider telling him?” she asked.

“What? How can I not tell him something like this?” Somehow, I was still surprised by her bias for secrecy, even after the decades she’d spent keeping me in the dark.

“There’s no benefit, Jessa, to either of you. I know it feels uncomfortable, keeping these things to yourself, but trust me when I tell you it’s a kindness to protect him from it. I’m only sorry you have this burden to bear now. I wish I could have taken the information with me to the grave.”

“Even if you hadn’t told me, it wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be the descendant of a monster.”

“Jessa,” she snapped at me. “He was my father.”

“And he did terrible things! And now the consequences of all that—that’smy legacy.”

“No.” She reached for my wrist, a fierceness in her voice. “The evil he did does not negate the good. People can be many things. Altruistic clinic directors, loving fathers, and yes, also bigoted, racist, intolerant scientists responsible for great tragedies. Your legacy will be what you make it, and that is why you are defending these women, so the footprint you leave behind in the world is the exact opposite of the one my father left.”

Could I really keep something like this from Vance? Just stash it away in a locked compartment in my brain?

But it wasn’t just Vance I’d be lying to. His whole family would feel this was important information, something that should have been shared with them. If they found out I was keeping this awful news a secret, they’d hate me for the secrecy, never mind for the information itself. Images of my in-laws, Renee and Howard, flashed through my head. I thought of Vance’s brothers and their wives, especially Jiyana and the boys. Over time, they might be able to get over my connection to Harry Laderdale, but Vance was a different story.

“It’s so much more complicated with Vance,” Gram said, as if she’d heard my thoughts. She knew how deeply Vance had loved his own grandfather, how profoundly he would hate that I was related to someone who’d had any part in causing the man’s pain. Or maybe she was thinking of the podcast and how my connections might undermine Vance’s success, even if only in his own mind. “I just don’t see what you’d gain by telling him.”

“It feels too huge. How can I lie to him like this when we’re trying to have a baby together, Gram?”

“Sometimes,” she said, “we seek to reveal secrets so we can unburden ourselves, when in fact we’re only putting the burden on someone else. Sharing that information wouldn’t add to the good in the world; it would just undermine your relationship with your husband. If you love Vance as much as you say you do, why would you want to upset him about all this?”

I didn’t want to upset him. I’d done plenty enough of that recently as it was. Maybe Gram was right, that keeping this to myself would be a kindness to him, and to the rest of his family too.

“You told Grandpa Walt though, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” she said. “But it was a different time. Of course he thought the research was awful, the whole idea of eugenics. But he came atit from a different place. Nothing about the Holocaust, or even the war, had touched Grandpa’s family. He couldn’t trace any of his own family tragedies back to Harry Laderdale. It won’t do any good for you to show Vance that he can.”

I thought about how things might play out once I told Vance even a portion of what I’d learned, how he’d chart a path back from the present straight through history, just like he did for people seeking stolen artifacts, until he knew every last horrible detail. The bond he and I shared felt increasingly fragile these days, and I wasn’t sure we could withstand more stress between us. If keeping the information to myself could protect our relationship, I supposed it was worth it.

***

The next morning, Vance directed the old Subaru down a narrow, pebbly road in Brookville, Long Island. The car was a hand-me-down gifted to us by Vance’s dad, Howard, years earlier. We had resisted at first, telling Howard that we’d never need a car in the city. But the car came in handy more often than we’d expected, not just for driving to professional obligations outside Manhattan, but also for excursions like this one, visiting Vance’s cousin Dalia and her husband, Yuval, who’d moved to the suburbs.

As we made our way closer to the right house, every bump and jolt caused me to grimace. I was thinking about Vance’s sperm, which had been inside my body since we’d had sex earlier that morning. I hoped the jostling wasn’t making it more difficult for one or two special swimmers to reach their intended target, that the bouncing wasn’t interfering with their goal.

It had been two days since my meeting with Andrew, and I still hadn’t worked up the nerve to tell Vance that I was taking a leave of absence from the firm. I thought about how I’d arrived at this place, keeping so much hidden from my husband. Maybe that’sjust who I was now, a person who kept secrets. I wondered if I should stop beating myself up about it and instead embrace the idea of being a cagey, elusory person. I let out a loud breath, and Vance looked over at me.

“I have to tell you something,” I said.

“Uh-oh...,” he said lightheartedly, as if nothing I said could possibly upset him.

“I’m taking a leave of absence from work.”

He beamed at me. “That’s amazing. Why do you look like it’s terrible news?”

“It’s amazing?” I asked, feeling hopeful that I had misjudged how he’d react.

“Yeah. You can finally take some time for yourself, de-stress like I’ve been saying. I’m glad we’re in agreement now. It’s the right thing for you.”

“Vance.”

Before I said more, I started to wonder if maybe I didn’t have to. Maybe I could keep the entire immigration case a secret from him and let him think I was actually taking the leave he wanted for me, a few quiet months to rest. If I was embracing my dishonest side, maybe it was time to go big or go home, as Vance himself liked to say. But it was a ridiculous thought. With any luck, this case would be all over the news, and I would be working so hard that doing the whole project on the sly would be impossible. Besides, I didn’t actually want to embrace my duplicitous side. The whole point was to avoid creating any more secrets than those I’d already squirreled away.