Page 26 of Counting Backwards

I looked over to her as I stood from my seat.

“They don’t hardly let anybody out. And not a girl like you, with no place to go. Ain’t like anybody’s fighting for you from the outside.”

I thought then of Billy and the letter he’d sent me saying how angry he was about everything that had happened. But he never said anything about getting me out.

“Come,” Nurse Williams prodded. “It’s just your time for a check with the doctor so he can make sure you don’t need any new treatments or such. You’re not going to give me any problems now, are you, Miss Buck?” She looked over her shoulder toward a large orderly who stood in the corner of the room, the muscles in the man’s arms bulging beneath the long sleeves of his uniform.

I followed that nurse through the hallways of the Colony, back toward rooms so far from my dormitory that I’d near forgotten about them since I’d arrived. I noticed a smoking room for the staff and then some empty offices, maybe for secretaries and the like. When we reached a door with a plaque that read “Dr. White,” the nurse stopped walking. I made to go into the room, but the nurse took my wrist and pointed at the closed door just beside it.

She knocked lightly and then pushed open the door. Inside was a large room more like a parlor than a doctor’s office. There was a plush carpet and a large leather sofa, ceramic lamps, and carved side tables. At the center of the room, across from the sofa, stood a shiny wooden desk that looked large enough for three peopleto use at once, and different groupings of upholstered chairs. The desk had a few papers piled neatly on top and a brass lamp that had been polished to a gleam. I couldn’t think why anyone would want me in such a fancy room. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been in a space so turned out before.

“Go on,” Nurse Williams said, giving me a little shove into the room. “You can stand yourself over next to the desk. Dr. Preston will be coming in, and you’ll want to show him proper respect.”

“Preston? But what for?” I asked the nurse. She’d said earlier, I was certain of it, that I was seeing Dr. White. I didn’t think I’d ever met any doctor by the name of Preston.

“Oh, I really couldn’t say,” she said as footsteps could be heard approaching in the hall. “But here he comes now,” she added, standing herself a little taller and pushing her shoulders back.

The man who approached us was a stranger to me. He looked to be somewhere over fifty years old, but still, he was comely enough. He had dark brown hair cut to neat square lines around his ears and a crisp linen suit beneath his white coat. He wasn’t a particularly tall man, and I stood more than a few hairs higher than he did.

“Dr. Preston,” Nurse Williams said, her tone sugary all of a sudden, “this is the daughter, Carrie Buck.”

The doctor’s eyes slid over to me and he smiled real wide, like one does when trying to make friends with a young child.

“I havesobeen looking forward to meeting you, Miss Buck,” he said, his eyes near glowing with delight. “Come.” He took me by the arm and led me to the sofa. “Please, sit.” Then he motioned with his hand.

It felt a little strange sitting down on that fancy couch while I was in my soiled, shabby uniform, but I did as he said. I thought Nurse Williams would leave us, but she just closed the door and came to stand near where I sat. She held a pencil and a clipboard at the ready.

“We’re just checking on some of our patients,” Dr. Preston said, his words coming out long and relaxed, like he was adding in extra syllables. “We’re trying to make sure we’re doing as fine a job in this institution as possible. We want to do the best we can for the good people of Virginia, not cause more trouble. You understand?”

I nodded, though I really didn’t understand much at all. Not then.

“We want to help you, Carrie, and I think we may have found a way. Isn’t that nice?”

“Yes, sir,” I answered. His upbeat attitude had me thinking that my earlier cheery thoughts were on the right track. Maybe I was getting out after all, never mind what Ma had said. I hoped they’d finally realized I didn’t belong in a place like the Colony, that I was sent there only because of the pregnancy. Had Mr. John or Mrs. Alice started to feel sorry about how they’d treated me, then come forward on my behalf? Or maybe the nurses had reported on my good behavior. Any which way, I was excited to think about getting to leave that place and get back together with my baby. I knew Billy would help me find a place to live. Maybe I could find a job where I could bring Vivian along with me to work. I was ready to dart out from my seat and run to the exit, except for one important question. “But what about my mama?”

Dr. Preston’s eyes jumped back to Nurse Williams then. The two of them shared a look, and Dr. Preston’s lips lifted like I’d made a joke. I couldn’t say what was funny, unless they might’ve had good news to share about Ma too.

“No, no, Miss Buck,” he told me, talking real slow. “We’re just focusing on the younger women so far. Now, if you’re ready, I’d like to ask you a few things.” He rounded the desk and opened a drawer, pulling out a small notepad before returning to sit on one of the large fabric-covered chairs beside the sofa.

I nodded. I’d have told him my deepest, darkest secrets, whatever he wanted to know, if it meant they’d let me go free.

But then he set to asking me absurd questions that had not one thing or another to do with whether I belonged in the Colony. Most of what he asked, I couldn’t properly answer either. Did I know the square root of 121, could I list three battles from the Revolutionary War? I didn’t think to remind him that I’d not been to school past the sixth grade. Where else was I supposed to have learned those things? As it was, I knew I’d already forgot so much of what I’d been taught years ago. My figuring with numbers had always been weak, and without practice, I needed my fingers to help me out. Then sometimes I didn’t have enough fingers for whatever answer I was seeking, and I would feel mad at Mrs. Alice all over again for pulling me out when she did.

But I pushed my anger away and focused on trying to answer right for the doctor. All the while, he kept on making ticks in his little notebook.

By the time we finished, I felt like I’d been in that office for near half the day. But when I looked at the clock, I saw not even a full hour had passed. Meanwhile, my spirits had dropped so low. I’d likely failed the test I’d been given. I kept my eyes on my dark, scuffed shoes, trying not to let myself cry.

Dr. Preston walked with us toward the door and turned to the nurse.

“This one is perfect,” he said. “You’ve done well.”

His words surprised me, and I looked up from my feet. He was smiling bright, as if something excellent had just occurred. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I misunderstood all over again. He was so clearly bursting with delight that I began to hope again that they might be considering my release. Well, shame on me. If I thought anything good could come from meeting with that man, maybe I was just as dim-witted as Dr. Preston wanted to believe.

11

Jessa

March 2022