Page 69 of We Are Okay

“Yeah.”

Jane says, “‘I am a free human being with an independent will, which I now exert to leave you.’”

And maybe she should go through with it, maybe sheshouldleave. We already know it would spare her some heartache. But it feels so much better right now to say yes, tostay, and Mabel and I are swept up in it. For a little while, it takes me outside of myself. For a few minutes, Jane believes that she’ll be happy, and I try to believe it, too.

Near the end of the movie, Ana and Javier come into the room, wrapped gifts in their arms. They set them under the tree and watch with us as Jane walks through the wreckage of Thornfield to find Rochester again.

They leave when the credits roll and then come back with a few more gifts.

“Is the package still in your bag?” I ask Mabel.

She nods and I find it. It looks unfinished against the festive wrapping paper of the presents they brought, but I’m glad to have something for them. I realize now why Mabel tried to wait to open hers and I’m sad that I don’t have something else to give her.

Javier laughs at the white tree. He shakes his head.

Ana shrugs. “It’s kitsch. It’s fun.”

Quiet descends. I can feel how late it is.

“Mabel,” Javier says. “Can you come with me for a moment?” and soon it’s only Ana and me on the sofa next to the glittering lights. And when Ana turns to me, I realize that our solitude has been orchestrated.

She says, “I have something I want to tell you.”

Her mascara has smudged under her eyes, but she doesn’t look tired.

“May I?” she asks, and takes my hand. I squeeze hers back, expect her to let go but she doesn’t.

She says, “I wanted to be your mother. From the first night I met you, I wanted that.”

Everything in me begins to buzz. My scalp and my fingers and my heart.

“You came into the kitchen with Mabel. You were fourteen. I already knew a couple things about you, my daughter’s new friend whose name was Marin, who lived alone with her grandfather, who loved reading novels and talking about them. I watched you look around. You touched the painted dove above the sink when you thought no one was looking.”

“I don’t like to anymore,” I find myself saying.

She looks confused.

“Read novels,” I say.

“You probably will again. But even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter.”

“But what if it does?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I’m not that girl who walked into your kitchen?”

“Ah,” she says. “Okay. I see.”

The heater rattles; the hot air blows. She leans back to think, but still holds my hand tight.

I’m making this hard for her. All I want is to say yes.

“Mabel told us everything. About the two of you. About Gramps and how he died. About what you discovered afterhe was gone.” Tears fill her eyes and spill over but she hardly seems to notice. “Tragedy,” she says. “Heartbreak.” She stops and then she makes sure that I’m looking at her. “Betrayal.” Her eyes bore into mine. “Understand?”

They had waited for me in the station lobby and I left through the back exit. I didn’t call them back a single time. I made Mabel come here to track me down, and now I’ve made them come to me as well.

“I’m so sorry,” I say.