Page 41 of Hold Fast

“Aye. I am mortified.”

“You regret kissing me,” she said matter-of-factly, as if she were telling him that she liked pigeon pie.

He looked her in the eyes, the blue looking otherworldly as it reflected the glass surface of the loch and turbulent sky behind. But for all that she looked ready to shout at him, she didn’t look afraid.

“Aye,” he said and he meant it.

“Because you didnae want to kiss me.”

Ewan willed his eyebrows to stay in their given places. Had he wanted to kiss her? He’d thought of it many times since meeting her. She wouldn’t want to know that. Her eyes were wide as a doe’s before flight.

He pinched his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger and stared at the skirt of her dress, rough and patched, and wished that she would allow him to provide her with better. He had a sparking desire to provide her with far more than a better gown. She would never allow it. And besides, he didn’treallywant that. Did he?

No. Of course not.

But he could give her this at least.

He cleared his throat. “You should take Calman back to the keep. You dinnae have a cloak, and I cannae have you catching a chill.”

“You could ride with me,” she said, rubbing Calman’s neck.

“I need to walk and clear my head.”

He went to Calman’s side and waited. Una placed her hands on the saddle, and he hoisted her by her waist. She swung her leg over Calman’s back, and as his hands slid away, he unintentionally grazed the line of her long leg through her skirts.

“You could catch chill yourself, Ewan. I…” Her sentence faded on the breeze.

Ewan shook his head. “Go on, Una. We can speak more later.”

He gave Calman a slap on the rump and watched as the horse and dog trotted across the field toward the keep. His own walk back was long and cold, and he spent every single moment of it wishing he had better controlled himself. She had endured the attentions of Malcolm Cameron for a year. Heknewthis. And yet he’d forced a kiss upon her without even thinking.

Halfway home, a terrible thought wiggled into his consciousness. She had a horse. What if she’d left? What if he’d hurt her so badly or frightened her so much that she took Calman and went to the Stewarts?

He ran then, racing back to the keep, the cold air burning his lungs and chapping his lips. If she had run away, it was because he had driven her to it, frightened her to it. She could be out in the world alone, unarmed and unprepared. If anything happened to her, it would be on his head.

By the time he reached the courtyard, his jaw was clenched so tightly that he felt a muscle cramp in his cheek. Everyone in his path leapt to clear the way. He raced to the stables, frantically throwing the door open wide. Calman poked his huge head out of the last stall, and Ewan’s knees went weak with relief.

“Oh, thank God,” he said around his heaving breath.

He went to the horse, stroking his neck. Calman nickered happily, and Ewan rested his forehead against the horse’s. He was feeling too many things at once, and they were making him dizzy. Relief that Una had come back, that his brother would live, that he had another chance to make things right with her. But along with that relief was panic, because hedidneed to make things right with Una. He needed to see Connor with his own eyes.

He gave Calman one last pat and made his way out of the stable, planning what he would say when he begged Una again for her forgiveness. Ewan was almost out the door when he heard heavy panting. He took a step back and looked into the empty stall to his right. Mathan was draped heavily over Greer’s slender form. She did not seem to mind Mathan’s attentions.

Ewan rolled his eyes and saluted Mathan. “I’m glad one of us managed to be charming, ye bastard,” he said before striding out of the stable and into the cold.

CHAPTER16

Fiona had been more than happy to surrender her post to Una. The evening meal was being served in the Great Hall, and the housekeeper was eager to check in on the household. She had been especially eager to look in on Fenella who, she insisted, was lost without her. While Una had been at the loch, Connor had taken some more broth and managed to keep it down. If he continued to do that, Una would allow him some porridge in the morning.

They had played a guessing game for a while before he had fallen asleep in the middle of his turn. Una sat in the chair by the hearth, watching his chest rise and fall rhythmically. Her stomach growled, and she wondered if she could ask the guard in the hall to fetch her some supper. As soon as her backside left the chair, the chamber door opened. Ewan slipped through and closed it softly behind him. She sat back down.

Ewan crossed the room on silent feet and approached the far side of the bed. Una watched as he carefully lowered his weight to sit on the mattress. He looked older than he had an hour before and certainly more haggard, as if he’d been given an extra weight to carry upon his already burdened shoulders. After a few moments of sitting and watching, he eased his body down to lay next to Connor, pressing his forehead into the side of the boy’s shoulder, his hand resting on his brother’s chest.

Una sat frozen to her chair, stunned by the tenderness of the moment and gaping outright.

She had known he was a big man, but he looked even more solid and broad next to Connor’s lankiness, made even thinner by days of raging fever. She remembered how solid Ewan’s thighs had felt bracketing hers, and her stomach dropped. But not from fear. It was something else. Something beyond her memory.

In the firelight, tears glittered in Ewan’s eyes. Connor lifted his hand, reached across his own body, and rested it on Ewan’s head. Ewan squeezed his eyes shut, and Una heard a choked sob. Connor tilted his head so that it rested against the top of Ewan’s, and Una shot to her feet, suddenly feeling very much an intruder on such a tender, vulnerable moment. She crept to the door.