Page 59 of A Thousand Second Chances

There’s something I want to ask, but I’m terrified of the answer. At last, I spit it out. “Do you think things would’veworked out differently if we’d been better at communicating? If we’d talked more about how we were feeling?”

He’s quiet as he mulls it over. I tense, dreading his response. I don’t know why I asked when I already know the answer. Ofcoursethey would’ve. If I’d opened up about what was going on with my mom instead of pulling away, we never would’ve had that fight or at least might’ve had a chance to move past it. Instead of facing all the horribleness that followed alone, I’d have had him right there by my side.

“I think there’s a lot of things we both could’ve done differently,” he finally replies, his voice laced with so much regret it leaves me aching. He offers me a small, sad smile. “But that’s all in the past. We can’t change what happened. All we can do now is try to move on with our lives.”

Move on…right. That’s what this whole damn weekend was supposed to have been about. But the universe seems to have other ideas. How can I move on when a time loop is literally keeping me stuck in place?

That evening, I retire to my room early, claiming I want to brainstorm more ideas. Instead, I spend what’s left of the night grinding in RuneWorld Online. The exercise is even more pointless than usual since my progress will be erased as soon as I fall asleep, but I don’t care.Anythingto take my mind off the regret I’d seen in Chris’ eyes…and the inescapable conclusion that, no matter what he says, it’s all my fault.

twenty-five

Chris

Surprisingly, it’sPercy’sidea to go for a joyride down the Michigan expressway as fast and as far as we can get before our current time loop resets. Well, okay—he’dwanted to test the boundaries of the time loop’s influence and see if greater distance might disrupt or dilute its effects.

Doing it by traveling at eighty down the expressway is all me.

I’m in the passenger seat, Percy in the back behind me. Quinn perches behind the wheel, her sunglasses up on her forehead and her sequined yellow blouse pooling around her like liquid sunshine. Inviting her along today had also been my idea. There was a ready-enough excuse—thiswasher car, after all. But that wasn’t the real reason. I could’ve stolen the keys out of her room if I’d wanted to, or hell, just asked to borrow them. Knowing Quinn, she’d have handed them to me with a smile, no questions asked.

But after spending the better part of the last dozen iterations alone with Percy, the truth is, I need a break. Not because I’mgetting sick of him—far from it. I’ve never felt closer to him, even when we were dating. He’s confided in me like he never has before about his family and how much he worries about being the perfect son, especially in his mom’s echoing absence. And there are parts of me—like my writing—I realize only now that I’d kept back from him as well, wary of letting him see the real me.

Compared to our endlessly repeating day, however, all those insecurities start to seem a lot less significant. Why bother with such things when you’re trapped within some strange twist of the cosmos, unsure if you’re going insane or will ever wake up from your eternal dream? It makes it easier to be vulnerable—to talk about the things that really matter—when you’re forced to confront the fleeting nature of existence.

It’s wonderful and glorious but also frightening because, sooner or later, I know it’s bound to end. The time loop will fade, or we’ll find a way to break it, or we’ll piss each other off so much we stop talking all over again. Either way, things will go back to how they’d been before—to the awkward stiltedness that was all that had remained of our crumbled relationship.

Because, in the end, none of this is real.

Such thoughts plague me as I stare out the passenger window listening to Quinn’s music blare over the speakers. We’ve been driving for hours now—long enough we’ve already had to stop once to refuel, and the sun is past its zenith, falling into late afternoon. Some of the trip passed with us chatting about nothing consequential or sharing stories with Quinn from our past incarnations. But for most of it, Percy’s been as quiet as I have.

I wonder what’s going through his head and glance up at the dashboard mirror to catch a glimpse of his mop of brown hair in the back. Does he feel similarly torn by the conflicting desires toget as close as possible and run as far away as he can at the same time?

Averting my eyes, I sink deeper into my seat, playing absently with the AC vent in front of me. Hardly likely. Unlike me, Percy isn’t foolish enough to get attached to a daydream.

I shift again, suddenly needing some air. “Can you pull over at the next rest stop?” I ask Quinn.

Her eyes flick to me, assessing. It’s been less than two hours since our last stop, and we’ve still got plenty of drinks and snacks stashed in the back. I look away as she shrugs. “Sure. Whatever you need.”

To my relief, she doesn’t ask for more of an explanation, and ten minutes later, we’re pulling over into a gas station. The car’s barely slowed to a stop before I throw myself out the door. I feel Percy’s eyes burning a hole in my back as I flee to the convenience store. As soon as I’m inside, I hide in the candy aisle and take a moment to collect myself. Christ, I’m acting like an idiot. How much time have Percy and I spent together these last few days, most of it more intimate than this?

My mind flashes back to the adventure park—to the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, my chest pressed to his—and I clench my jaw.Nothingis happening between us. Nothing isgoingto happen between us. Even if I wanted it to (which Idon’t), the asshole abandoned me. He betrayed my trust. He discarded me when I needed him most, just like everyone else.

Because his mom was dying. Because he was hurting. Because he was scared and confused and didn’t know what to do.

Oh, yeah? And what about the two years since? What about his obvious reluctance even now to accept his sexuality? No, fuck that. Hoping for more than fleeting friendship is a fool’s errand.

Which is why it’s good I don’t. Why it’s amazing that I never sit up at night, imagining his fingertips ghosting across my skin,or the firm press of his lips to mine, or the way his azure eyes glint when they catch the light, or the warmth of his laugh when it burbles out against his will, surprising even him.

Yeah. Good thing I don’t think aboutanyof that.

The attendant behind the counter is giving me strange looks by the time I pull myself together and peruse the aisles. I’m too distracted to process what’s there, so I grab a random bag of chips and a candy bar to avoid returning empty-handed.

I pass Quinn as I’m exiting the shop. She shoves past with a breezy “Bathroom!” in explanation. I blink, eyes tracking her. She hadn’t seemed rushed only a couple minutes ago. Shaking my head, I start toward the car…and slow my steps when I see Percy standing outside, shuffling his feet.

His gaze flicks up, meeting mine before quickly looking away. He gives me a little wave, and my heart flutters even as my stomach drops.Damn you, Quinn.This is a setup. I don’t know if Percy asked to talk to me or if this was Quinn’s idea, but I suspect she’s going to be taking her sweet time.

Briefly, I consider waiting for her or even retreating inside, but I stop myself, gritting my teeth. This is ridiculous. There’s no reason to run away from Percy. He’s a friend, like Quinn—that’s all. There’s nothing else there. And if I sometimes picture him naked, well, so sue me. What self-respecting gay guy wouldn’t fantasize about their hot nerdy ex trapped in a time loop with them? It doesn’tmeananything.

Schooling my emotions, I try to project confidence as I cross the otherwise deserted parking lot, fixing Percy with a smile I’m pretty sure is more akin to a grimace. He looks a heartbeat away from bolting himself when I reach the car. I stop a couple feet away and lean against the car’s hood.