Page 31 of All Hale the Queen

We’re in my king-size bed with only a small lamp on, casting Antonio in a silhouette as we face each other.

“First of all, Haywood and I didn’t have a love marriage. It wasn’t exactly arranged, but it was encouraged by our families. We didn’t dislike each other, and we were well-suited on paper, but that’s as far as it went.”

I moisten my lips with the tip of my tongue. “I was young when we got married, and I got pregnant with Remi almost immediately. I was thrilled, and Haywood was too, though the majority of the child-rearing fell onto me. I reveled in being a mother. Then the twins came along two years later.” Swallowing hard, I say, “I had some complications, and ended up having a hysterectomy.”

Antonio’s hand rubs warmth into the skin of my arm, up and down in a soothing gesture he seems to intuitively know I need. “So you couldn’t have more children after that.”

I shake my head. “No, and I really wanted at least one more. I was hoping for a girl the next time, but I would have been happy with another son.” Cuddling closer, I nuzzle my nose into the hollow of his throat, inhaling the scent of soap and man. “I suffered from post-partum depression after that. Partly because I knew I would never have another child and partly because I wasn’t happy in my marriage. Haywood was a good husband and father, but we’d never grown to love each other like I hoped.”

A feather-like kiss lands on the top of my head. “I’m sorry, Ophelia.”

“Like I told you before, Haywood hired a nanny to help me out, but that only made me feel more like a failure. Like I couldn’t even take care of my own babies.”

Even though I’m not looking at him, I can feel the consternation in Antonio’s voice. “You had two infants and a toddler, darlin’. That’s a lot for anyone.”

“I know, but post-partum brain isn’t always logical. I had a wonderful therapist who helped me work through that time, and after about seven months, I was pretty much back to my oldself.” My voice grows quieter. “Haywood and I cared about each other, and I guess we loved and respected each other as parents, but there was none of that soul-bending, knock-your-socks-off love everyone dreams about. Which would have been okay if the sex hadn’t stopped. That wasn’t either of our faults; we just mutually lost our desire for each other.”

Fighting the ache burning my throat, I take a beat before continuing. “I wasn’t a miserable person or anything. I loved raising my boys. Every day was an adventure with them, so I didn’t have much time to be sad.”

I loop an arm around Antonio’s waist and inch closer, loving the solid strength of his body against my softer one. “When they all started school, it was hard on me. I volunteered at the school and joined the PTA so I could be involved. I had plenty of friends, but I was still lonely. It’s not the same as intimacy, which we were severely lacking. So when Remi was eight, I finally approached Haywood about a divorce. By that time, we hadn’t been intimate for quite some time, so it seemed like the next logical step.”

I could tell Antonio was doing the math in his head. “But you didn’t divorce until much later.”

My head bobs against his neck in a nod. “Right. We ultimately decided against it because when we got married, Hale Cosmetics absorbed my father’s smaller cosmetics company. There was a bunch of legal finagling prior to the wedding because my father wanted to make sure I was protected and would retain shares of the joined companies. Haywood and I finally decided it was easier to stay married and we should try couples’ therapy. But no matter how much we talked, you can’t force a connection that’s not there.”

“That’s true,” Antonio murmurs.

“At some point we discussed opening our marriage, but the therapist cautioned against it. A year later, we were at a partyand there was a couple there who had opened their marriage. The woman told me she had never been happier. She loved her husband, but they weren’t at all compatible in the bedroom. He was very vanilla, and she… wasn’t.” My shoulder lifts and falls in a shrug. “So I brought it up to Haywood again, and we decided to give it a go. It couldn’t hurt, right?”

I feel Antonio smile against the top of my head. “Why do I feel like this is where things take a turn?”

“Because you’re very astute,” I reply, kissing his throat. “I wasn’t looking for love or anything, but I wasn’t even thirty, and I was in a marriage with a dead bedroom. We tried many times, but neither of us enjoyed it, and it left me feeling worse than not having sex at all.”

“Jesus, Ophelia.”

“I know. We wanted to stay together because of the kids, which, in hindsight, is not the best reason to stay in a loveless marriage. But we thought, ‘Hey, we can have the best of both worlds. Play happy families in the eyes of the world, and fill our desires outside the marriage in private.’ Then when the kids were all grown, we could discuss divorce.”

Antonio’s hand moves up and down my back, his skin warming the silk of my nightie as I continue. “We made some rules. Number one was discretion. We respected each other and never wanted to humiliate the other by flaunting our dalliances in public. Number two was no children. Of course, that wasn’t a problem for me,” I say wryly.

“So what happened?” Antonio asks.

I chuckle. “I was so nervous the first time I went to a bar with the intention of picking up a man. I’d never had sex with anyone but my husband. A few men approached me, but I chickened out and left. I decided to give myself some time and try again in a couple months.” Pausing, I close my eyes. “Then I met Mark. He and I were on a charity board together for a children’s hospital,and I felt an immediate spark. He seemed to feel it too, and we had drinks together a few times. Mark was so easy to talk to, and I ended up spilling my entire situation to him. Long story short, we started seeing each other.”

Antonio is quiet as the memories hit me, though the force of them doesn’t hurt like it used to, and I wonder if that’s because of the man holding me in his arms.

“After almost a year, I stupidly fell in love with him. It was the first time I’d ever been in love, and I was head over heels. He was too, and he started to talk about the future. When I admitted I couldn’t have more children, he was devastated because he’d always dreamed of a big family. After a few weeks, he said he was open to adoption. But then I broke the news of the deal I made with Haywood that we would stay together until all the boys were out of high school.”

I press my lips into a thin line, and once again, I’m surprised at the lack of pain that’s usually present when I think about Mark. “I stupidly hoped he would wait for me, but after a few more months, he ended up breaking it off. Moved to Chicago for a job.” My voice grows softer with guilt. “I never expected to fall in love. I knew what I was asking of Mark wasn’t fair, so I understand why he did.”

“But that didn’t make it hurt any less,” Antonio surmises, and I nod.

“I couldn’t even bear the thought of trying again. My husband, in the meantime, met Rebecca. I never knew about her because we didn’t talk about who we were seeing with each other, but I had a feeling he’d met someone because he seemed lighter.” I let out a sigh. “Then he started going on business trips every weekend. Haywood was the CEO, so he had to do a fair amount of travel, but never every single weekend. I started to get annoyed.”

“And this is when you were mourning the loss of Mark?”

“Yes. There was that but also the fact he wasn’t seeing the kids as much. Then one Friday I took the kids to school, and before I even got back home, my phone rang. Helix had vomited, so I headed back to pick him up. He was burning up with fever, but I figured it was just the virus that had been going around. Phoenix had it the week before and was better by the next day, so I prepared myself for a day of cuddles and Gatorade.”

Antonio can sense my anxiety and rests his lips against my forehead as I forge on, my heart still hammering when I think about how sick my little boy was, even though that was years ago.