Page 276 of Silver Sweet

“Tom.” Phoenix’s voice fissures as I crumple into his chest. He holds me so tight against him, and my body rumbles in waves of grief and pain.

“I’ve watched him…” I intake sharp breaths. “I watched him win a championship. I made him laugh. He made me happy. I came back for him. I’ve stayed…I would’ve stayed longer. I would’ve stayed forever for him. I would’ve never left his side. I would never—” I bawl. I’m bawling into Phoenix’s chest.

“Shhh,” Phoenix consoles. “Try to breathe.”

It fucking hurts to.

Everything hurts.

Especially the realization that even my best might never be enough to defeat his mental illness. It’s all I want. To carve out all the things that hurt the person I love and grind them into dust. It’s not fair that I can’t.

“Eliot!” Phoenix calls out but doesn’t let go of me. I’m glad because I’d slump into the ground and disintegrate into the floorboards if it weren’t for his strong arm around my body.

Soon, all my brothers, minus Ben, crowd into my room.

I lift my heavy head off Phoenix and inhale a strained breath, staring up at Eliot like I’ve been stabbed. The only reason I’m not bleeding out is my boyfriend.

Eliot takes a knee in front of me. His deep blue eyes hold unbending purpose as he grips the back of my skull. I would grip his too if my arms didn’t feel like dead weight.

“Eliot,” I choke out.

“We’ll find him, brother,” Eliot decrees. “Don’t doubt we won’t.”

I am doubting. “I found his phone.” My eyes fill with hot tears again. “He’s gone, dude,” I croak.

“Where is it?” Charlie asks, and I swallow a lump in my throat and hand him Ben’s phone.

Eliot rises and inspects the phone too. Charlie taps the screen, then tells Beckett, “It’s dead.”

I nod a few times, glancing from Eliot up to Beckett. “Maybe Eliot would’ve been a better roommate?—”

“No,” Beckett interjects calmly. “No, Tom.” Now Beckett is crouching down to be eyelevel. “You have to accept something.”

“I accept,” I say instantly.

Beckett smiles—no, actually, he’s sharing a subtle smile with Phoenix. It is a true miracle how Phoenix ingratiated himself with my two oldest brothers. Stuff of Cobalt Empire myth.

It calms me.

Our lore. Being engraved as we live and breathe. I just want Ben to be a part of it always.

Then Beckett tells me, “You will never be the reason our little brother leaves. None of us will be the reason. If, one day, something were to happen to him, it will be his OCD.”

I nod to myself, letting this fully sink in. “I was the best roommate, best brother.”

“You still are,” Eliot says firmly.

I still am.

I blink and more hot tears fall. “I will always be the best brother to all of you,” I say, trying to steady my quaking voice, “because I don’t know how to give you all halfway. I don’t even want to.” I nod more, stronger. “And I’m starting to realize…I can’t control the outcome—I never could. But I can still show up because I love him, and that’s what brothers do.”

“Oui,” Beckett professes deeply. “It is what we do.” His eyes are knowing, understanding—love and power. “Ensemble.”Together.

“Ensemble,” I nod, breathing in all of their strength.

As Beckett stands up, my face starts twisting in confusion. I ask, “How are none of you torn up over this? Why the hell am I the only one on the floor?”

“I’m on the floor too,” Phoenix points out.