Page 85 of Grown

No one but Mom and Coach, now up on their feet.

“Chanty?” Mom asks. “You OK?”

I doggy-paddle to the edge of the pool, resting my head against the cement.

Trying to reclaim your life is a lot like drowning. You attempt to stay above water as waves of new information hit you sideways, carrying you further into the unknown. People throw life preservers, but the ropes can only reach so far, and once a riptide catches you by the ankle, all you can do is wonder why you ever thought you’d be OK jumping into the deep end, when you could barely manage the shallows.

Chapter 59

Barbershop Talk

Daddy has been avoiding me.

Thought it was just my imagination. Everyone has been giving me space. But Daddy... his absence is blatant. When I walk into a room, he walks out. When I say hello, he mumbles back. Eyes always down, never meeting mine, and even when they do, they seem sad and distant.

Mommy and Shea cut veggies for soup as the Littles gather around Daddy in the living room, watchingBambi.

“Um, Daddy?”

The entire house jumps at the sound of my voice.

“Yes?”

I hold up the clippers. “Can you hook me up?”

Daddy glances at Mom, something unsaid passing between them. She gives him a sharper glare and he hoists himself up quick.

“Sure.”

I straddle the toilet seat like I always have, the smock buttoned around my neck while Daddy sets up his tools. Mom pretends not to be watching from the kitchen, peeling yams. Shea entertains the Littles.

The bathroom is... tighter than I remember. I claw at my inner palm, breathing through my nose, out through the mouth. It’s just Daddy, I tell myself over and over again. I’m safe with him. I’m home and I’m safe.

Safe. Safe. Safe...

Daddy uses scissors on the top to cut down my curls as close as he can. The ringlets fall, bouncing off my shoulders.

“Been a while since I done this,” Daddy says, uncertainty in his voice. “Nice having the floor clean for a change.”

His voice is so flat I’m not sure if he’s kidding.

“You still charge the same?”

He shrugs. “We’ve gotten pretty popular since you’ve been... gone. Charging seventy-five now.”

I sigh with relief. “You can add it to my tab.”

The bathroom seems to open, just slightly.

“So. School on Monday? You, um, feeling up to it?”

“Yeah. Just want to get back to normal, you know?”

We glance at each other in the mirror, knowing we’ll never be normal again. He sets down the scissors and lifts the clippers. The buzzing makes me flinch.

“You OK? You want me to stop?”

“No,” I whimper, clutching his shirt. “No please, stay.”