Page 51 of If I Go Down with This Ship

Apparently, I did have more I could bring up.

“Put him in my cabin,” a voice says, a familiar hand touching my hip.

His first name dances on my tongue.After you’ve kissed someone—more than once—using formalities feels a bit strange, but I’ve never used it, never said it out loud, and I’m certainly not saying it for the first time in front of this lot.

“That’s not necessary, Captain,” I say, waving a hand weakly, gently removing his hand before anyone spots it.

“You’ll be out of the way,” he protests.We stare silently at each other, but he doesn’t budge.His expression is inscrutable.Smiling as though he realizes he’s won, he nods to Jack and Mick, who help me down the deck, Sir trotting behind us.

But walking is worse.Walking makes my stomach gurgle, and my head goes light.I moan, one hand going to my stomach as they drag me across the deck and down the stairs.They deposit me at the window nook in the cabin behind the black curtains, and I want to curl into the blankets, into the soft sheets and pillows that smell like him, but I won’t let myself, won’t let them see just how comfortable I am in his bed.

But Sir does.He hops up onto the bed and flops down in his normal spot in the corner, completely unbothered.

“Do you need anything else?”Mick asks from the doorway.

“I’ve got him from here,” Captain Night says.

Eyes closed and face pressed to the glass, I breathe deeply, listening with bated breath as the door clicks shut behind Jack and Mick and Captain Night makes his way across the captain’s cabin toward me.

“Youwillget used to it.”

I force open my eyes and peer at him as he gets closer.“What makes you think that, Captain?”

He pauses awkwardly by the bed, and after a moment sits down on the edge, spreading a hand across the blankets.But he won’t look at me.“I wish you would call me Silas,” he says.There’s a waver in his voice, and the sound of it tears at me.He is so vulnerable suddenly.“Aren’t we past titles, Laszlo?”

I tilt my head at him, curious.“You’ve never said anything about it until now.And I wasn’t sure about addressing you in front of the crew.”All those moments alone, the time in his room at the tavern, when we last kissed in this very room… he’s had so many chances, and I was always too afraid to ask.

Silas laughs, the sound more disbelieving than anything else, and drops his hands to his lap.He looks at me, and his brow is furrowed in concern, lips curved down ever so slightly.I want to tug at the corners.

“Do you not want people to know, Laszlo?”he asks.

“I never said that.”I puff out my cheeks and blink up at the ceiling.Right now is not the best time to have this discussion.

He stares down at his hands.“You won’t sit next to me in the mess.You’re intent on sleeping below with the crew.You removed my hand on the deck—”

“I thought you didn’t want the crew to get the impression that there was somethingelsebetween us.”

Silas frowns.“I never actually agreed to that.I don’t want to hide you, Laszlo.”

“You can’t have it both ways,” I say, gripping the edge of the blanket.“You can’t push me away because you’re worried they’ll think it’s favoritism, and then tell me you don’t want to hide it.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” he admits, “but I want you more than I’m worried about what they’ll think.”He struggles with his next words.“Have… I done something wrong, Laszlo?Do you not want to be seen withme?”

The world feels like it’s falling out from beneath my feet.My head is dizzy, my body unsteady with the rocking of the ship.I never thought he would be the one to doubt my feelings.From the moment I set foot on this vessel, I’ve found myself increasingly drawn to him.And each new thing I learn, each new piece I get of the puzzle that is Captain Silas Night, only makes me want him,allof him, more.

He, on the other hand, has been nothing but confusing.There are moments when I think he’s reaching for me, but he drops his hand.There are other times when he pulls the captain card but looks at me with this intensity that has me curling into a ball and itching to run my hands over him in the same instant.

Liking this man is aroller coaster.

“I can’t read you,” I admit.His expression is pained, but I barrel on.“One second, you’re kissing me, the next you’re treating me like the rest of the crew.And that’s fine,” I say quickly when he opens his mouth to protest.“You’re our captain, and I understand that there are politics at play, but I…”

Another wave of nausea overcomes me, and I press a fist to my mouth.God, this is not the best time for this.

“Laszlo…” he says, trailing off as he reaches for me.His hand settles on my knee, and he squeezes.It’s so gentle that I almost want to cry.

I’m just sohappyto be with him.Isn’t that worth it?Isn’t whatever this is between us worth being stuck in this time?Why can’t I just enjoy this for what it is?Why do I constantly worry about what’s next?I know it would be easier if I didn’t feel this way about him, if he hadn’t somehow captured my heart in so little time, but I can’t seem to give up on this thing between us no matter how logical the argument.

“How does this work?”I ask.I press a hand to the window to steady myself.The glass is cool under my fingertips, and when I peer outside, the impending storm is in the near distance.“How can we make this work with you as my captain?”