Page 48 of If I Go Down with This Ship

“Eddie,” Mick says, groaning.

“It wasn’t that terrible,” Eddie protests.

“It was pretty bad,” I admit.

I pat Eddie’s shoulder as Mick turns and disappears belowdecks, shaking his head.Eddie’s shoulders slump in defeat.

“It’s hard to keep up good jokes,” he says, scuffing his shoes on the deck, hands plunging into his pockets.“I don’t have a lot of source material, you know, and only you and Captain laugh at them.”

“Yeah, it would seem so…” I say, trailing off.Before I can stop myself, I’m leaning around Eddie to search the quarterdeck for Captain Night, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

“Are you looking for Captain Night?”Eddie asks, watching me carefully.

How did he know?I wince and scratch my head.“Well, yeah, but it’s not important.”

“Saw him go down to his cabin not long ago.”

To go or not to go.Smiling as if he knows I’m pining over our captain, Eddie tilts his head at me before he crosses the deck to rigging.Even from where I’m standing, I hear muttered curses as Eddie helps fish Hux out of the lines and fillsin for me in my usual place.I don’t deserve this crew or their warm welcome.Their patience and kindness as they teach me how to sail.

My eyes go to the stairs.

And I don’t deserve him.How many times have I thought about betraying him?About reaching for his blue coat to teleport home?It’s the last thing on my mind nowadays.That kiss changed everything for me.And I thought we could move past it, that we could become somethingmore, but he’s shut me out entirely, and I feel lost.The first time I’ve truly allowed myself to open up to someone romantically in nearly a decade, and I’ve been shunned.

Swallowing my pride, I cross to the stairs and jog down them, stopping before his door.I raise my hand to knock but pause.Damn it, why am I so indecisive?I imagine Louise with her stern expression and tight frown.What’s the point in wanting something if I’m not willing to try?

Planting my feet, I take a deep breath and knock.There’s a long beat of silence, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s not there, or if maybe he knows it’s me purely by the rhythm of my knock and refuses to answer, when finally, I hear a muffled, “Come in.”

I open the door slowly, blinking through the haze.He’s had the tobacco lit for so long, there’s a thick cloud of smoke lingering in the air.I taste it on my tongue, feel it burning a path down to my lungs.Coughing, I swivel to find Captain Night leaning against the windows in the rear, running a hand over his stubble.

“Captain,” I start hesitantly as I close the door behind me, “is everything okay?”

His hand stills on his jaw, and slowly he turns to me, hishead tilting as he takes me in.It’s the first time in two days that he’s looked at me,reallylooked at me, and I fidget with my hands, unsure of what to do or what to say.

“What do you want?”His tone is flat, his face expressionless.Is he worried?Does it have to do with the lead?

“I just thought…” I stop, uncertain of where I was going.“I’m worried, I think?”He doesn’t move, so I take a step toward him.“I thought we had… in the tavern…” I pinch the bridge of my nose.I don’t even know how to word this.Puffing out my cheeks, I inch closer.“I reallyenjoyedour time in the tavern, and I thought you did, too, but you’ve been… distant.”Oh god, I’m doing a terrible job of articulating this.

He’s silent for a moment, unmoved.I take another tentative step toward him, and another, until I’m standing beside his desk.I drum my fingers along the wood before curling my hands into fists at my sides, forcing myself not to move.Finally, he shifts toward me, and there’s something there, something in the way he’s watching me that softens the lines around his face.

“Have you ever been in a position of power, Laszlo?”he asks.His voice is steady, unshakable.

“No, not particularly,” I say.“I organized a few… events over the years, but that’s the extent of my leadership skills.”

He takes a step toward me, one thumb hooked in his belt, the other loose at his side.“When you’re the captain of a ship and crew, there are certain expectations.”

“I know.”

He strides the rest of the distance, and I shrink back out of instinct.He takes up so much space, whether he means to or not.He stops just before me, and though his tone is commanding and he holds himself like the weight of the world rests on his shoulders, his voice is soft.Considerate.

“I cannot…feelfor someone on my crew.I must treat the members of my crew fairly.If I like you more than the rest, if Icarefor you, what’s to say I won’t act irrationally if you are put in danger?Or that I won’t give you better treatment, or more rations than the others?”

I can hardly breathe, this heavy, invisible weight on my chest as I search his face.

“You would deny yourself happiness for the sake of your crew?”I ask.

He smiles sadly.“If it is the only way, then yes.”

Though I want to understand where he’s coming from, I can’t.This isn’t the kind of workplace I’m particularly familiar with—this is a ship.And didn’t he tell me in his own words that they take to the sea to free themselves of the constraints on land?This crew is made up of adults, and surely the captain of this vessel should be able to live the way he wants to, so long as it doesn’t endanger the people here.Besides, I won’t let that happen; I’ll never put him in a position where he’ll have to choose.But if it’s easier, then perhaps…