Page 21 of If I Go Down with This Ship
Stay out the cap’ain’s cabin
If you wish to live
Stay out the cap’ain’s cabin
For he’ll not forgive
“One more time!”Tarly calls out, his voice booming over the sounds of stomping feet and clanking cups.The crew joins him in for the last chorus, their voices filling the ship with the tune.
Stay out the cap’ain’s cabin
If you wish to live
Stay out the cap’ain’s cabin
For he’ll not forgive
The crew hollers as Tarly plays out the last notes with finesse, finally bringing this wretched song to a close.They clap and cheer, unaware of me, of Captain Night watching me like a predator hunting prey of what’s passed between us.In a single tune, Captain Night has conveyed his message loud and clear.I am a fool.
Gagging, I clamp my lips together and turn, running through the galley and up on deck, breathing deeply up top as the cool wind whips my hair into my face.I lean over the railing with white-knuckled hands, glaring down into the dark water.
Why me?Why, of all the godforsaken people in the universe, have I been sent here?To a pirate ship, of all places.Is this what I get for ditching the waiter in North Carolina?Is this how the universe repays me for ignoring Louise’s texts?For running away when the going got tough?Is this somehow what I deserve?
All I ever wanted was to find love, to fall for someone so hard that I couldn’t breathe, that I couldn’t eat.And if that couldn’t happen, then I just wanted to write my book.And I wanted to write the next one and the one after that, until I could pretend like I’d done my due diligence and the reason no one could love me was because I’ve never been able to put myself out there.But I didn’t want this.I didn’t want to travel back in time or be targeted by a pirate captain.
I didn’t want any of this.
My stomach is in knots, and I’m not certain if it’s the fear or the rocking of the ship, but I feel like I’m going to be sick.Cold sweat beads my brow, and I lean my forehead against the railing, groaning.
Louise didn’t mean any harm when she took me to the replica.She just wanted to see me smile, to show me that my life isn’t all doom and gloom, to show me that I could get over my fear, and she did.I enjoyed every second aboard this ship… when it wasn’t covered in pirates.I loved exploring the replica, imagining what the real ship might have been like, but I never intended it to go this far.It had been too perfect, though, so of course, fate is playing me for a fool for having ever dreamed of an adventure of my own.
For having ever dreamed at all.
Trying to tamp down the nausea, I turn and look out over the deck, clenching my jaw.That’s why this is happening to me, right?That’s why I’ve been sent back in time?I’ve been so scared and lonely these last few years that I actuallyhopedfor a fucking adventure to take me away from the life I’ve built on running away.I’ve been too afraid to make a home of my own, to set down roots in any one place, to go out with that waiter or say yes to someone,anyone, opting instead to say no to everything, and now that I’m on a ship in the middle of the ocean, any chance of finding a home, of putting down roots, or of falling in love has been swept away.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to calm down.I can’t believe I did this to myself.I mean, Icanbelieve it, but I wish I hadn’t.If I’d found happiness, if I’d justtriedto make a home, none of this would have happened.Louise was right, damn it, she was so fucking right.Running away did this to me.
Tightness grips my chest, and now I’m gasping for breath,on the verge of a panic attack.Come on, Laszlo.You’re on a ship.You can find a way home.It’s going to be okay.I want no part in this pirate life.I want steadiness and solidity, my empty little flat in present-day London.I want to hug Louise and apologize for ignoring her phone calls, to heal from a life I’ve been unwilling to lead, to find another waiter in a shitty pirate costume in a little tourist trap and actually go out with him.And I want to work on my next novel.
To finish writing this story that’s been years in the making.
It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours, and already I’m scrambling for a way off this ship, away from this crew and its incredibly attractive and confusing deadly captain.I was a fool to think I could ever fit in, to think that I could turn this into an advantage and get some more research done while I search for a way out.
To look at him like that.
As I stretch out my legs, I see the indent of my keys and phone in my pants, feel the journal digging into my back pocket.I reach numbly for my keys, the metal warm to the touch as I set them in my palm.I haven’t gotten rid of them yet; I can’t bear to toss them overboard.They’re one of the last things I have left of home, a tiny keepsake to remind me of the life I’ve left behind, of a life that might not be there for me when I return.
If I return.
Swallowing, I run my thumb over the familiar grooves of the key to my flat, and then to the Edinburgh Castle key chain Louise got for me after the last time I saw her.I can remember the moment she snuck up behind me in Old Town, grinning from ear to ear as she slipped the little key chain into my hand.
I smile down at it, the swirling storm in my stomach goingcalm for a moment as I smooth my finger over the acrylic.What I wouldn’t give to be back there, to be anywhere but here.Not everywhere in the world has been welcoming, and I’ve had to change the way I behave publicly while traveling, but there have been plenty of safe havens for queer people, too, and I picture some of them—Amsterdam, Malta, and Iceland—the lives I could lead there if I ever make it back.
A creak on the boards of the ship makes me jump, and I wrap my hands around my keys, my head snapping up to find Captain Night at the base of the stairs.He takes a step toward me, and I know with certainty there is nowhere to flee.
I scramble to stand, my hands gripping the railing behind me for balance as the keys dig into my palm.I bite down on my cheek, trying to think of a solution, but I’m out of options.
“Goodbye, old friend,” I say under my breath.
