Page 10 of The Midwife By the Sea

‘I’m so sorry we’re late.’ The first of the two women who rushed into the café was flushed with colour as she uttered the apology. ‘We had an influx of patients from a multi-car pile-up arrive just as our shifts were due to end and it set us back a bit.’

‘No problem at all, we’re just glad to see you both. Come and grab a seat.’ It was only when Jess responded that Hope looked at the second woman who’d come into the café, and saw that it was Danni, her heart seeming to still in her chest as she realised that the woman in front of her was almost certainly Esther. She’d looked Joe up on social media, but his accounts were set to private these days, so she hadn’t been able to see the kind of detail Laura had. The discovery of his move to St Piran’s had come via a Google search, and she’d also found one picture of his wedding to Esther in an online archive for theThree Ports News. She’d checked out their profiles on the hospital website too and Joe had the same kind of almost conker-coloured eyes as he shared with both Danni and Hope, which could look like amber in the right kind of light. Esther looked different in person, though, much smaller than Hope had expected her to be, with an almost elfin beauty, enhanced by delicate features and the pixie cut of her short, blonde hair. She looked fragile and Hope couldn’t help wondering if that had always been the case, or whether the struggles she was going through had taken a physical toll. Either way, Esther was the main reason Hope hadn’t reached out to her biological father and why she was increasingly beginning to think she never would.

‘Now that everyone is here,’ Jess continued, ‘it would be great to do some proper introductions. I already know everyone, but I’ll start anyway. I’m Jess and I went through several rounds of infertility treatment, due to scarring on my fallopian tubes that made it impossible for me to get pregnant naturally. I began the journey into fostering, before all of that, while I was still single. When I met my husband, Dexter, he had already adopted our little boy. Later I was able to adopt him too and eventually our family was completed when we adopted our daughter. I work as a midwife, which has sometimes been a great comfort and sometimes made the ache all the stronger, but I wouldn’t change a thing about what has got me to the point I’m at now.’

Hope’s eyes were already stinging, and she had no idea how she was going to get through all of the introductory stories without giving in to her emotions. She’d known there was going to be some sorrow to contend with, but she hadn’t expected the joy that had been evident in Jess’s face as she spoke about her family, and that’s what had heightened Hope’s emotions. So much so that she didn’t realise Jess was waiting for her to offer her own introduction, until she gave her a gentle nudge.

‘Oh yes, sorry, I’m Hope. I’m also a midwife and I’m here hoping to learn as much as I can from all of you.’ She cleared her throat, stalling for time. Still not sure whether she should say the words that felt as though they were bubbling up in her throat, but they seemed determined to come out either way. ‘I don’t have any experience with infertility, but I am adopted and I’ve had the most wonderful experience with that, if it would help anyone to hear about how it can be from the child’s perspective.’

‘I think that could be really useful.’ Jess couldn’t quite hide the expression of surprise that had crossed her face, but her voice was warm. ‘Would you mind going next, Molly?’

The introductions that followed were every bit as heart-rending as Hope had expected them to be. One couple, who held hands the whole time they were talking, explained that they were about to start their third round of IVF with ICSI, a procedure they’d been told was their best chance of getting pregnant due to the husband’s very low sperm count. They were incredibly open about the tests they’d had and how it had felt to discover the reason they hadn’t conceived, after over a year of trying naturally. The only other man there had come along with his partner, Lisa. They were currently exploring the option of egg donation at a clinic in Cyprus, after six failed IVF attempts using Lisa’s own eggs, managing to sound upbeat and hopeful despite everything they’d already been through.

Two of the other women who’d come along were early on in their infertility journeys. One of them was awaiting the start of her first round of treatment, and the other had just begun taking a fertility drug called Clomid to encourage ovulation, both of their voices betraying emotion when they talked about their hopes for the future.

There were three other women in the group; Niamh, who was considering surrogacy, after four miscarriages, the pain of those losses etched on her face, and a married couple in their forties, who were going through the initial stages of adoption after already having an older child through sperm donation, who were certain this was what they needed to complete their family.

Finally came the time for Danni and Esther to introduce themselves.

‘I’m Danni and I work as a doctor in the emergency department at St Piran’s, but I’m really just here to support my friend.’ Danni fixed Hope with a look as she spoke, as if she was trying to send her a telepathic message, warning her not to spill the beans about the fact that she also happened to be pregnant. Not that Hope would ever have done anything like that, even if she’d known for certain that Danni had found a way to tell Esther the news. She was pretty sure the other women in the room didn’t want to hear about Danni’s pregnancy, especially when it hadn’t been hard fought. But more than that it was none of her business, even if the baby would technically be her cousin. Danni had paused for a moment after her initial introduction, much like Hope, seeming to weigh up whether to say anything else, and then she continued, ‘But my husband, Charlie, is adopted and has the most fantastic relationship with his parents. So I’ve got a tiny bit of insight into that route to parenthood, although not nearly as much as Hope.’

Maybe that had been the reason Danni had gazed so intently at Hope, rather than it having anything to do with the baby, and it was just her own guilty conscience at being so heavily weighed down with a secret that was making her read too much into the situation. A feeling that wasn’t eased in the slightest as Esther began to speak.

‘I’m Esther and I have what they call unexplained infertility. Both mine and my husband Joe’s tests have come back within the normal range, but we’ve been trying for well over a year now with no sign of a positive test and we’ve decided to get some help. I’ll be thirty-five next year and my husband is already in his forties, so we don’t want to hang around. He’s been amazing and is always telling me that as long as he’s got me, nothing else matters, but I want this so much for both of us. I’m just not quite sure I can enter into all the turmoil fertility treatment can bring without having worked out a plan for us to have our family some other way, if it comes to it. So I’m incredibly grateful for the chance to talk to people who’ve chosen other routes.’ Esther’s words suddenly caught in her throat and a sob escaped instead, Danni immediately wrapping an arm around her best friend’s shoulders. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get upset.’

‘Oh no, please don’t apologise.’ Lisa shook her head, emphasising her words. ‘We’ve all been there and felt the way you’re feeling now. That never changes really, but it’s helped so much to know that there are still other doors we can go through if one closes for good.’

‘Thank you, it’s so nice to be surrounded by people who understand. I just can’t bear the thought of it never happening. Joe was born to be a dad, and I know he’s going to be brilliant at it. Sometimes robbing him of that chance hurts just as much as the idea that I won’t ever get to be a mum.’ Esther swallowed so hard it was audible. ‘Even though the tests say we’re both okay, I can’t help thinking that I’m doing something wrong and it must be me who’s stopping it happening. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s just the way I feel, and I think knowing that I can offer up some other solutions, if we need them, will really help. I’m sure Joe will want to come along to the group in the future too, but I just needed to know for myself first that it felt right. I’m so lucky that Danni was willing to come along and hold my hand through it, because just knowing that you need to come somewhere like this feels huge, doesn’t it?’

‘It really does.’ Niamh reached out to put a hand over Esther’s, as though they were old friends, instead of women who’d been strangers to one another just moments ago, but this was what pain did to people; it bonded them. Hope had to squeeze her eyes shut and fight against the tears that were once again threatening to spill down her cheeks. Joe had already fathered a child, he just had no idea, and Hope was the one with the power to tell him. Whether he’d consider that a gift or not, she had no idea, but Hope was certain now that it would hurt Esther even more than she’d feared. Esther’s desperation was for her and Joe to have a family together. She didn’t want the now-adult child he’d created in a summer fling, when he’d still been a teenager himself, to turn up in their lives and make him a father that way. It was going to have to be enough for Hope to get to know the man her father was from afar and then step away and allow them to get on with their lives. After all, she’d never felt a void where Joe or Laura should be, because of her mum and dad, which meant that walking away should be easy. So she had no idea why even the thought of it suddenly felt so hard.

7

Attending the infertility support group had been a revelation for Esther. It wasn’t because she’d been told about any potential treatments or options to parenthood that she wasn’t already aware of – after all, she was a medical professional and a dab hand at googling. Instead, the revelation had come from knowing, with a certainty that she hadn’t really had before, that she wasn’t alone in how she felt about the possibility of never having a child. Of course she’d been on plenty of online forums and taken part in discussions with other women, but there was nothing like sitting around a table, sharing stories with people who really understood. It had been an easy decision to tell Joe about having gone to the group without him, and he seemed completely unfazed by her decision, understanding her reasoning for wanting to check it out first. She knew that if she wanted him to go with her in future all she had to do was ask, so that’s exactly what she did.

‘You should come with me next time,’ she’d said, already counting down the days to the next meeting in her head. ‘I don’t think Danni is going to be able to disguise her pregnancy for much longer – when she got up to go to the loo, Danni caught the side of the table with her bump and it was only because Jess was so quick at grabbing the cup that Danni didn’t get a nasty burn from the coffee she upended. It’s not fair for me to make her feel like she needs to keep hiding it, I’ve done far too much of that already.’

‘You didn’t make her hide anything.’ Joe had pulled her into his arms, the stiffness in her spine relaxing as it always did. She was barely five foot one, and he was at least a foot taller, but somehow it felt as though they were the perfect fit. Although not even Joe could ease the guilt she felt entirely.

‘I did, though, didn’t I? She felt she couldn’t tell me about the baby and that makes me feel so awful. I should have been the first person after Charlie that she told, because she should have been certain I’d be thrilled. Instead, she had to treat it like it was something to feel guilty about. I’ve robbed Danni of joy, and I hate myself for it.’

‘You didn’t rob Danni of anything, and she’d hate to know you feel like that.’ Joe tipped Esther’s chin up then, forcing her to look at him. ‘I know nothing I say will stop you from wishing that things had been different, but there is a solution.’

‘What?’

‘We celebrate Danni and Charlie’s news in the biggest and best ways possible from now on.’

Esther smiled, loving Joe just that little bit more than she already did. ‘I think that would make me feel a bit less guilty, but how are we going to do it?’

‘For a start, we’ll throw them a party, or a baby shower or whatever Danni wants to celebrate the news, and we do whatever we can to help out with Caleb. My sister and Charlie already know how much we love our gorgeous nephew, and we just need to show them that we’re going to be the same with the new baby, whatever happens for us.’

She reached up then, pulling his head towards hers and pressing her lips against his. ‘Do you know how much I love you?’

‘Yes, about half as much as I love you and that makes me the luckiest man in the world.’ Joe stroked her cheek with his thumb. ‘And of course I’ll come to the group with you next time. I’d do anything for you, for us, because as much as I want a family too, as long as there’s an “us”, that’s more than enough for me.’

He’d said the same thing to her a hundred times before and every time she wanted to be able to say ‘me too’, but she just couldn’t do it, because she’d never lied to Joe and she didn’t want to start now. Instead, she said the only other thing she could think of to convey how she felt. ‘You are the best man I know and the only one I’d want to go through life with, whatever it holds.’

She took his hand then and led him up to their bedroom, for once not thinking about whether it was a fertile time of the month or what chance they had of conceiving, just the desire she had to be with the man she loved. In that moment, being part of an ‘us’ with Joe really was all she needed.