Page 52 of The Breakup Artists

Is equivalent to covering the entire earth with leather.

Likewise is the case with external objects

That I cannot find ways to fully restrain;

Restraining this mind of mine is restraining all others

What else is required to be restrained?—Shantideva

The idea is that all worries and anxiety come from the combination of two things—external circumstances and internal thoughts. We obviously can’t control the external world, but if we can control our own minds, we don’t need to.

Ella

Seriously?

August

You don’t like it?

Ella

No. I love the shit out of it. I just want to know how you knew that.

August

I read a lot.

The message bubble pops up, indicating she’s typing. But then it disappears and reappears a few seconds later.

Ella

Wish I knew you after my gma... I could have used a reading buddy.

He hesitates.

August

Same.

I look up at August, my eyes wide, caught somewhere between shock and disbelief. I know it’s one simple word, but that’s the most open thing I’ve heard him say about Des’s passing in years, and he said it by text to a girl he barely knows. Part of me is relieved, thinking maybe he’s finally ready, that the magic amount of time has passed to break down The Wall. But the other part of me is bummed that it wasn’t me he decided to talk to, even though I know it doesn’t matter in the big picture.

August must read something in my expression because he says, “What?”

I cover with humor. “Nice dissertation, Professor.”

He shrugs. “It’s from my Berkeley essay, remember?”

“Oh. Right,” I say too fast, then compensate for the weird feeling it evokes by adding, “It’s a good one,” which only makes my reaction more awkward, not less.

He gives me a knowing look. “You’re lying.”

“Not even a little,” I say. “I just didn’t expect you to bring it up.”

“You didn’t expect me to bring up my essay?” he says like he can’t even begin to understand what I’m babbling about.

“No, I mean, I just forgot about those essays.”

His eyes search mine. “Tiny, you read them more than a hundred times. You didn’t forget about them.”