Page 77 of Knox's Boy

I sighed, feeling the familiar ache in my chest. Florian's capacity for empathy was one of the things I loved most about him, but it was also the source of his deepest pain. I reached out and brushed a strand of blond hair from his forehead.

"Do you know what I did yesterday?" I asked.

He shook his head, eyes watery.

"I signed off on a donation of two million dollars to the youth shelter downtown. Last month, it was a similar amount to the scholarship fund at your university." I held his gaze steadily. "The month before that, it was funding for the addiction treatment center."

Florian's lips trembled in surprise. I rarely discussed my philanthropic activities with him, not because I wanted tohide them, but because charity performed for accolades wasn't charity at all.

"I don't tell you these things because I don't need praise for doing what should be expected of someone with my resources," I continued. "But I'm telling you now because I need you to understand something fundamental: We are not responsible for carrying the entire world on our backs, Florian."

"But…"

"No buts. Listen to me." My voice took on a firmer edge. "You think I don't see the weight you carry? The way you look at everything I give you like it's stolen? The guilt isn't helping that boy you saw today. It's not feeding him or housing him."

Florian's eyes dropped to his hands. I took his hands in mine, rubbing my thumbs over his knuckles.

"There's a difference between acknowledging privilege and punishing yourself for it. One is productive. The other is self-sabotage."

The harsh words landed exactly as intended. His head snapped up, a flash of indignation crossing his features before understanding slowly dawned.

"I want to help people too," he whispered.

"And you will," I assured him. "When you've finished your education, when you've built your own stability. Then you'll be in a position to truly make a difference, rather than just making yourself miserable."

“I'm sorry, Daddy,” he whispered, looking down. I held his chin tenderly. “I don’t want to sound ungrateful.”

“It's okay, my boy. It really is because I know exactly how you feel. You wanting to solve all of the world’s problems, the desire to help everyone… even when we can’t,” I told him and smiled. I passed an arm around his shoulder and he lay his head on my shoulder. I kissed his temple.

We sat in silence for a few moments. When Florian's breathing had fully returned to normal, I stood up, my posture shifting subtly. He noticed immediately. His eyes widened. Oh, how I loved how responsive that boy was.

"Kneel," I said simply.

With no argument, something quite rare for him, he slid off the window seat and onto his knees in one motion, hands resting on his thighs, looking up at me like this eager puppy. The transition was always shocking to me, this willful, defiant creature yielding himself to my command.

"As your Daddy, I've decided we need a new rule for our dynamic."

His breath caught, attention completely focused on me now.

"You are no longer allowed to doubt that you deserve this life," I stated firmly. "This isn't a suggestion or a request. This is a rule, as binding as any other we've established between us."

Florian's lips parted, but I held up a finger.

"If these thoughts arise in a persistent way, and I know they will, you will not suffer in silence. You will come to me immediately and express them. Each time, you'll receive a punishment."

"A punishment?" he asked, confusion evident in his voice.

"Yes. I don't want these thoughts in your head. But what I want even less is for you to hide them from me. So, we'll discuss them, I'll reassure you how many times we need to, but you'll be punished for indulging in them again. Because they’re lies, and I don’t want you to lose yourself in them. When the thought comes, I want you to repeat what I've told you. If you do so, then you won’t be punished."

He nodded slowly. "Yes, Daddy."

"Additionally, you'll begin a practice today. Three daily affirmations, to be repeated every time you look in a mirror." I held up one finger. "I deserve money, love, safety, and happiness." A second finger joined the first. "I will trust Daddy to provide and guide me." A third. "I don't need to carry the world on my shoulders."

His eyes glistened with unshed tears.

"If you fail to practice these affirmations, you'll report for punishment: written lines until the message sinks in." I extended my hand. "Come. We're going to practice now."

I led him to the full-length mirror that hung on the library wall, positioning him in front of it with my hands on his shoulders. Our reflections stared back at us, me standing tall behind his smaller frame.