Page 39 of Stay Dangerous

Part of me wanted to ask him about Snow. Seeing her online wasn’t enough, and the only reason I hadn’t popped up at her crib was because her parents’ cars were always in the driveway. But the way Peanut was talking, I knew I was better off asking Turkey when he was alone, away from the He-Man Woman-Hater.

In the meantime, I used Kisha to distract me.

“Where you been, Ricky?”

I stepped all the way inside the apartment and glared at Ma.

She never came out of her room. Not even when Nan cooked. So seeing her on the couch was a little jarring.

Seeing her clutching a nine was even more jarring.

I knew she wouldn’t shoot me. But I couldn’t say the same for herself.

Still, years of her highs and lows have conditioned me to always stay calm. I walked slowly to the armchair and sat down.

She was in the middle cushion of the couch. I couldn’t reach over while seated, but I thought I could get to her if need be.

“I been out, Ma. Why you still up?”

Her eyes were blank as she peered at me. She looked better than she had been looking. Her hair was combed and brushed into a ponytail at the back of her neck. The crew neck was big on her, but she wasn’t as skinny as she could have been.

Hearing how her sister, Ty-Ty’s mom met her end, broke whatever was still inside of her. Nan didn’t believe in hiding shit from us, so we knew all about their upbringing, and how they both escaped foster care and ended up living with Nan.

But something else happened to Ma. Something that fucked her up beyond repair. It had to have been after we were born. She still smiled up until then.

Something bad enough to move us out of the Birch, up to that big house, where no one visited us.

Pooh would lace us with game. Would tell us not to save a bitch who don’t wanna be saved. And we knew he was talking about Ma, but he would never saywhatshe needed saving from.

Yeah, herself. But what made her that way? She’d found happiness in Pooh, even accepting what he was. And he loved her more than I thought a nigga like him would be capable of.

What happened to them? What drove him to cheat? What drove her back into her tortured mind? What had a hold on her so tough that her family couldn’t break through?

I’d long-since stopped bothering her. Loving her from a distance was best for both of us. I saw how my cousin hated his pops for not choosing him, and I couldn’t hate Ma, even though I should have.

“Where’s Freddy?” she asked instead of answering me.

“If he’s not here, then he’s still with Peanut.”

Her lips twitched, before they sagged down, as they always did, when she was remembering Peanut’s mom, her friend Carrie. They were the same age, and supposedly, Pooh liked her first, though that didn’t come in between their friendship one bit.

Part of the reason all the niggas from Set’s crew were tight, was because our parents were tight. Project babies, making project babies. Though, most of their friends, my friends’ parents, were dead or in jail.

Fredo and I were blessed to have both of our parents, even if they weren’t whole.

“It hurts, Ricky… it hurts to be alive,” she whispered, blinking back tears.

I licked my lips, gesturing to the gun in her hand. “That why you got that?”

She swallowed, and nodded her head.

“What can I do, Ma?” I blurted, pleading. I forced my gaze to leave the gun, to look her in the eyes.

To look into the eyes of the only woman I loved at the time. “Ma, just tell me what I can do. You want me to call Dad?”

Her eyebrows bent, but she nodded again, so I got out my phone, so fast it slipped through my fingers.

Picking it up from the floor, I scrolled to Pooh’s name and dialed it. I moved closer to Ma, on the couch. Maybe if she just heard his voice, she’d calm down. Pooh had a way of getting to her, of getting her back to us when she wanted to leave.