Page 83 of To Have & To Hold

“Emilia…“ Nathaniel closed his eyes for a brief moment, and when he opened them they were heavy with concern and sorrow. “You did not fall into the river, did you?”

Emilia silently shook her head. Alexander had begged her not to jump, but her body had already made the decision before her mind could catch up. The moment the cool water had enveloped her, skirts twisting around her ankles, dragging her down further, she realized how foolish her plan had been.

She had intended to be a distraction, to lead the man in the boat away from Alexander—but what if the man in the boat didn’t come to save her?

Every ounce of her strength had been depleted simply trying to keep her head above water. Perhaps she deserved the same fate she had condemned Mr. Clarkson to. She had almostconvinced herself that was the truth, when a strong arm had pulled her close and lifted her from the murky water.

I’ve got you…

Even now, the memory of his words stirred a warmth within her that had never faded. From the very moment Nathaniel pulled her into his arms, she had never felt more safe. Even when drowning, even when the world around them was unraveling, he had somehow become her constant, steady and unmovable anchor.

“Where was Alexander when I pulled you from the river?” Nathaniel’s voice was hard with anger.

“Dawn was breaking,” Emilia explained. “He had no choice but to hide, and I to return home. He planned to come back for me after securing other arrangements, but it became impossible.”

By the time Emilia had snuck back through the servant’s entrance, the household had already discovered she was missing. When Mr. Clarkson’s brother arrived shortly after to confront Lord Moorfield regarding his brother’s disappearance, the earl became suspicious. He questioned Emilia and the servants until a maid admitted to posting her letter to Alexander.

Emilia’s relentless defense of her brother fell on deaf ears. Lord Moorfield refused to believe anything other than the fact that his nephew was a cold blooded killer. As time passed, andMr. Clarkson never returned home, there was nothing Emilia could say to change her uncle’s mind.

When the ship Alexander had abandoned was attacked off the coast of Spain, he was not accounted for among the survivors and presumed dead. Emilia had dared to hope this meant he was safe, but as the officers began to return home, the rumors of desertion began—claiming that he had never been on the ship at all.

“My uncle told me that he had proof of Alexander’s involvement in Clarkson’s death,” Emilia said. “I do not know if that is true, or if he wanted to ensure I never crossed him again. All I know is that Alexander was safer when everyone believed him to be dead.”

Emilia could feel Nathaniel’s gaze steady still on her, but she was no longer able to meet his eyes. She had told herself over all of these years that she was protecting Alexander, but perhaps she had only ever been protecting herself.

It had been her hand that had caused Mr. Clarkson to fall. It was her hand that had penned the letter that drew her brother from his ship, putting his life and reputation at risk. It had been her desperation that threw her into the river, endangering not only her own life, but Nathaniel’s as rescued her.

When she thought she had outrun the ghosts of her past, they followed her into that garden where Nathaniel saved heronce again, unknowingly tying himself to the wreckage that she continually left in her wake.

“I understand if you cannot forgive me,” she finished. “I can barely forgive myself.”

Nathaniel’s hands slipped from hers, and Emilia braced herself for rejection. Her heart jumped as his fingers gently lifted her chin, bringing her eyes to meet his once more.

“There is nothing to forgive, Emilia.” The sorrow that had been so present in his gaze only moments before was nearly unrecognizable through his affection.

“You were defending yourself, and protecting your family” he continued. “Now that you have told me the truth, I can protect you both.”

“Nathaniel…” Emilia protested, but he silenced her with a soft kiss against her lips.

“Please, do not argue.” He whispered against her cheek. “You told me that I should not bear everyone’s burdens alone, so allow me to help you carry this one.”

Emilia shook her head, overwhelming affection and disbelief warring in her chest. “You still love me?” She asked through her tears.

“I will always love you.” Nathaniel’s voice cracked. “You are not broken, Emilia; you are wounded. But with time and care, wounds heal.”

Emilia squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to slow her tears.

“How can you be sure?” She whispered.

Nathaniel brushed his lips over the wet trails on her cheek. “Because we will face this together, my love.”

My love.

Emilia’s chest squeezed painfully as the broken pieces of her slowly began to fit back together. Nathaniel drew her into his arms and held her tightly as the sobs wracked her body, each one the release of a memory that had been holding her captive.

She slowed her breaths, letting the familiar scent of spiced rum and citrus soothe her every nerve. She focused on the steady sound of Nathaniel’s breathing and the feel of his hands against her back until the world felt steady under her feet again. Now that she knew what it felt like to be held in his arms, she would never be content with any other life.

Chapter Twenty-Seven