Page 68 of To Have & To Hold

The way he looked at her made her nearly lose her train of thought. He had always had a dizzying effect on her, but now that she knew what if felt like to be held in his arms, and to have his lips on hers, it was hard to think of anything else.

She closed her eyes. If she could not see his sparkling eyes and lazy smile, perhaps they would have no effect on her.

“This just arrived for you.” She held out the letter. The brush of his fingers against hers as he took it sent a chill up her arm.

“Thank you,” he murmured. “If delivering my correspondence becomes one of your regular duties, I believe I shall begin looking forward to the post.”

Before she could answer, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss against her cheek. Emilia’s breath caught.

“I suspect this is one in particular you have been waiting for,” she said quietly. “The seal was broken and the letter slipped out. I confess I read some of it.”

Emilia watched his reaction closely, but could not detect any anger or frustration. Nathaniel turned the envelope over in his hand, removing the paper inside. Emilia stayed silent. She saw his shoulders tense and the color slowly drain from his face as his eyes scanned the page.

“Emilia, I can explain…”

“How long have you known?” She interrupted him. She had no right to be angry, the secret he kept was no worse than the lies she had been telling.

“A few weeks,” he admitted.

Emilia nodded slowly, unable to determine what she felt. Embarrassment? Fear?

“I suppose you have been wondering why I lied to Oliver.”

Nathaniel laid the letter on the desk, folding his arms across his chest with a shrug. “I understand why you did.”

Emilia felt a surge of protectiveness for her brother coarse through her. “It is not true!” She nearly jumped at the accusing tone of her own voice.

“Which is not true?” Nathaniel asked. “That he died in Spain, or that he deserted?” There was no frustration oraccusation in his tone. It was a simple question—if only Emilia could give him a simple answer.

“My brother is not a deserter,” Emilia snapped. “I lost him during the war.”

Over the past year the rumors surrounding Alexander had intensified. In the midst of the war, no one had bothered to officially declare her missing brother dead, but now that the war had ended, people began to ask questions that only a few people seemed to have answers to.

There was not enough evidence to prove what had happened to him, or survivors from his ship to build a case against him, but the whispers alone were enough to taint his memory and her family’s reputation.

Nathaniel stared at her for a long moment, his eyes finally softening as he took a step towards her.

“Alright.” He nodded, reaching out for her hands.

Emilia allowed him to thread his fingers through hers, her heart skipping a beat.

“You believe me?” She asked.

Nathaniel arched a brow. “Is there a reason I should not?”

Emilia shook her head. The tightening knot of guilt in her stomach was nauseating. “Did you know about my previous engagement as well?”

Nathaniel pulled back as if she had attempted to strike him, but he did not let her go.

“No,” he whispered. “I swear to you Emilia. I knew nothing of your engagement.” His hold on her hands tightened. “I meant what I said about wanting to earn your trust. I am sorry if this has in any way jeopardized that.”

Emilia’s throat tightened at the memory of his words. He had laid his heart bare on the banks of the Thames that morning, and there was still so much more of her heart she kept hidden from him—but they were not all her secrets to share.

“I asked my solicitor to investigate Lord Moorfield,” Nathaniel confessed. “I never intended to invade your privacy. I had decided to leave the matter of your brother alone, but then I thought if there was any possibility he was alive and I could bring him home to you, I wanted to try.”

Emilia closed her eyes again, unable to look at the sincerity reflected in her husband's gaze. How could she allow herself to receive his unwavering devotion when he did not know the truth of who she really was.

Every kindness he offered only sharpened the painful edge of the secret she kept buried. For weeks she feared that telling Nathaniel the truth would make it impossible for him to love her, but now she realized he would never turn his back to her.