Page 47 of To Have & To Hold

Nathaniel’s gaze shot up, “That is not what I meant.”

“I am beginning to observe a pattern in your life,” Oliver said, standing to his feet. “It does not serve you as well as you believe.”

Nathaniel squeezed his eyes shut, the pounding in his head intensifying. “I am responsible for much more than myself, Oliver. I do not have the luxury of misjudgment.”

“You see love as a misjudgment?”

“I see it as a vulnerability.”

“Vulnerability is a strength,” Oliver’s voice wavered on the edge of control, but his eyes held steady on Nathaniel’s.

Nathaniel scoffed, “That is quite the poetic sentiment.”

“That does not make it any less true!” Oliver’s voice rose, losing his battle with restraint. “Love is not a weakness, Nathaniel. Allowing someone to get close enough to help shoulder your burdens is not a surrender of power; it is the strongest thing you could ever do.”

The air felt thick, and Nathaniel struggled to breathe through the lump in his throat. He wanted to believe everyword, but experience had taught him otherwise, time and time again.

Oliver took a step closer, laying a comforting hand on Nathaniel’s shoulder. “Opening your heart is terrifying, yes, and there are risks. But it is better than being alone.”

“I am a duke—I am destined to be alone!” Nathaniel stepped out of his friend’s reach. “Everyone wants my influence, desires my fortune, and needs the protection my title gives them, but no one truly needs me. So why would I need anyone?” Nathaniel spoke each word with clear authority, as if his own confidence would help him accept them as truth.

“I needed you,” Oliver said softly. “Not your inheritance, not your title, not the Duke of Kenswick—I needed my friend.”

Nathaniel blinked away the tears pressing against his eyes, but a few slipped down Oliver’s cheek freely.

“When I lost my wife and child, I needed my friend. When I allowed myself to go too far in my grief, I needed my friend. When I began to rebuild my life and needed someone to remind me I was more than the shell of the man I had let myself become, I needed my friend—and my friend was always there for me.”

If there were ever a moment Nathaniel wished to take back his words, it was this one, but instead, he remained silent.

“You carried me through when I could not put one foot in front of the other,” Oliver continued. “Yet the moment youneeded me to do the same for you, you ran away. You shut me out completely, and did not even attend my wedding. So do not play the part of the solitary duke when you and I both know you are simply scared.” He turned towards the door but stopped short as he reached for the handle.

“I do not know what secrets Emilia is holding, but I do know that she is not your undoing,” Oliver said with a glance over his shoulder. “But you will be your own if you insist upon viewing every outstretchedhand as a threat.”

Chapter Sixteen

Emilia glanced at the sitting room door for what felt like the hundredth time since she and Grace sat down. She told Nathaniel she wanted a chance to get to know Grace, which was true, but she couldn’t rid herself of the strange desire to have him and Oliver join them as well—even if it was only to have a few more moments to see Nathaniel’s relaxed smile and joy while in the presence of the Blackburns.

The conversation with Grace was lovely. Emilia had never had a friend before, but if she had, she would have wished her to be exactly like Grace Blackburn. They had spoken of nothing but light and lovely things—anticipation over the beginning of spring, and excitement of retiring to the countryside for the summer—but her sweet demeanor and easyhumor made Emilia feel as though they had been close confidants for years.

The conversation turned to the upcoming ball at Langley House, and Emilia felt the first flicker of unease. It was the largest social event of the season, and her first official appearance in society as the Duchess of Kenswick. Though Nathaniel had been reluctant to accept, he knew their absence would bring more unwanted talk than their presence.

“I met Oliver at a ball at Langley House,” Grace smiled, her comment a welcome distraction from the nervous anticipation swirling in Emilia’s stomach.

“Really?” Emilia questioned. “Nathaniel told me you became acquainted while summering with mutual friends in Berkshire.”

“We did,” Grace’s eyes held a touch of sorrow. “But we first met here in London. Though I was engaged at the time.”

Emilia had heard whispers of the tragic accident that stole Benjamin Weston from Grace just weeks before their wedding. Seeing the happiness she and Oliver shared together now, one would never know the heartbreak and sorrow they had once endured. It gave Emilia hope that perhaps love truly was capable of healing even the deepest wounds.

“Is that where Nathaniel met Miss Weston?” The question slipped out before she could stop it. She hadn’t planned on broaching this subject with Lady Blackburn, nor anyone else for that matter. Nathaniel’s past love and heartbreak was notany of her concern—especially if he did not seem willing to discuss it himself—but for some reason, she could not shake the tightness in her chest every time she thought of someone else on his arm.

Grace nodded, “It is. Though she is Mrs. Fenwick now.”

“Oh, of course,” Emilia’s gaze dropped to her lap. The wedding of Sarah Weston and Matthew Fenwick had been the talk of Ton that Season—especially since her engagement to the duke had been a whispered rumor for months prior.

Grace sighed deeply, leaning forward in her chair, forcing Emilia to meet her gaze. “May I speak to you plainly, Emilia?”

“Certainly,” Emilia said softly.