Page 39 of To Have & To Hold

“You did not entrap me, Nathaniel,” she tried to reassure him. “You saved me…twice.”

Nathaniel laughed, the tension slowly easing from his shoulders. “So you admit that you needed saving?”

Neither of them had yet to broach the subject of the morning on the Thames, and Emilia was hoping to buy a little more time before having to divulge her secrets. Perhaps someday she would have the courage to tell him that he had saved her from far more than he realized, and that she never felt freer than she did the day she became his wife. But for now, she simply wished to calm his fears.

“You were acting on honor, and that is all that matters.”

Nathaniel’s eyes desperately searched her face, and for a moment, Emilia was afraid he would find the words she was holding back. His hold on her hand tightened, and he took a step closer. When his gaze dropped to her lips, Emilia’s world narrowed to the space between them. She did not know if he would lean in to close the gap, or if he even wanted to, but the thought that he might tied her stomach into knots.

“I am worried about Charlotte,” Emilia blurted.

Nathaniel lifted his eyes back to hers. He cleared his throat, taking a step back. His usual, calm composure slipped flawlessly back into place. “How so?” He asked.

If the skin on Emilia’s wrist were not still tingling from where his fingers lingered just moments before, she would have thought she imagined the entire encounter. She forced her mind to clear as she replied.

“It has not even been a month since the Beckley ball, and she is simply beside herself being cooped up like this.”

“I know,” Nathaniel sighed. “I wrote to our sister Adeline and suggested that Charlotte spend a few weeks with her and her husband away from London. She is not going to be happy, but I think it may be best to delay her season in London for another year, at least”

“Do you truly think the gossip will be that bad?” Emilia asked.

Nathaniel had turned away from her again, and she took the opportunity to study him closely. Nothing in his demeanorgave any indication that he was affected at all by what had nearly occurred. She was unsure how the moment could have shifted so suddenly, and now it was gone as quickly as it had come.

“No,” Nathaniel replied. “Truthfully, I do not know if anyone cares about how we were married. The fact that I took a wife at all is going to cause enough of a stir.” His shoulders heaved with a deep sigh, and his voice lowered. “I can not afford any distractions when I am supposed to be ensuring Charlotte’s future.”

Emilia’s chest tightened at the realization of how much guilt he was still carrying—not just because of her. Every second he had spent with Emilia that night in the Beckley’s garden was time Charlotte had been left without a chaperone.

“Nathaniel, Charlotte is lucky to be under your care,” Emilia said softly, instinctively reaching for his hand to cradle his wrist the way he had hers. The exhaustion etched into the lines around his eyes made her own feel heavy with tears.

“Perhaps it would ease your mind if you did not have to manage her entirely on your own.”

Nathaniel breathed a humorless laugh. “I can not successfully keep a lady’s companion in employ. She scares them.”

“I was not referring to a companion.” Emilia pulled gently on Nathaniel’s hand, leading him to the settee.

“You are Charlotte’s guardian, and I am your wife,” she said the moment he was seated beside her. “You no longer need to bear the sole responsibility for her well-being.”

Nathanie’s eyes were tired, but they brightened with his soft smile. “What are you suggesting?”

Emilia measured her next words carefully. As much as it would give her a feeling of purpose to help guide Charlotte, if it caused the duke to worry even more, it would be all for nothing.

“I agree that she should leave London and have her proper season next year. But until then, leave her to me. We can walk Rotten Row, visit the shops, and take tea with other ladies. Just for a few days until you arrange her travel.”

Emilia watched Nathaniel turn her words over in his mind. She wondered when was the last time someone worried about him as much as he worried about everyone else.

∞∞∞

Nathaniel was certain his heart would simply give up and stop beating. He thought it had the moment he had taken her hand and felt her soft skin beneath his fingers. He had gone lightheaded, which was the only explanation for why he had nearly kissed her.

They were more strangers than they were husband and wife. She said she was content with him—which was a far cryfrom declaring she wanted him to pull her into his arms and press his lips to hers.

Just when he thought he had regained control over his heart and mind, she reached out for his hand to comfort him. She began talking about how much she cared for Charlotte and wanted to ease his burdens. The rhythm in his chest was more restless and uncontrollable than the river during a summer storm.

Legally, Nathaniel had been his sisters’ guardian since he came of age. In truth, he had been responsible for them since he was twelve years old.

Only a few months after losing his father, Nathaniel became the unexpected Kenswick heir. Their family was afforded more allowance than his father had ever been able to provide for them, but instead of using the funds set aside for their family’s care, his mother had squandered every penny.

She traveled freely between Bath and London, leaving the household and her two young daughters in disarray. Nathaniel had been sent away to Eton for an education, and was constantly sick with worry over his sisters.