Page 10 of Three of Hearts

"Yeah, I think she went a little too hard last night, and I'm sure everything with her boss probably didn't help," Raina added, shrugging like it was nothing, like she hadn't just confirmed our unspoken disappointment.

"Right," Niecy said, the sadness in her voice palpable, a weight settling over her shoulders, pulling her posture down.

The women exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch, even made plans to start getting things in order for next year's festival. She was putting on a good act but I was watching my wife's heart break in real time. It was an energy I'd never seen on her before, this particular flavor of disappointment, and I hated it, hated that I couldn't fix it. As special as Nikki was and as magical as last night had been, it made me question if it was worth it, if the temporary high was worth this crash. All I knew was that we were leaving Atlanta ghosted and flying back to Detroit changed in a way that neither of us knew how to navigate.

Chapter 10

One Month after RRABF

Nikki

Acoward. That's what I felt like staring at the pictures Raina uploaded to her Instagram of our night out with Niecy a month ago, my thumb hovering over the screen. It was becoming a compulsion, this need to check. When I wasn't job searching, interviewing, forcing myself to meditate, or running the necessary errands to keep myself alive, I was opening my photo album and staring at the pictures I went ahead and just downloaded because I was driving myself crazy constantly checking to see if she had commented. She was tagged but of course her page was private and I was too scared to request her, too scared of the rejection. She hadn't followed me either which told me they probably hated me for leaving the way I did.

After I had left their room, I sat in mine completely overwhelmed by what I was feeling, the silence deafening. I felt insane actually. There was no way I had let myself feel the things I was feeling for not one but two people in the short span of a couple hours of extremely hot sex. That would be stupid. And if I had the balls to talk to my therapist about it, she would say it was a backslide. Just another form of self-soothing and not a healthy one. Because why would someone in their right mind think a happily married couple, who had never let anyone in their bedroom before, would be thinking about what happened as anything more than a check off their bucket list.

I didn't trust my decision making and hadn't since my cousin committed suicide. It had been four years, and even though I was doing better, I still couldn't shake the guilt of being the last person he called. I didn't answer. I couldn't even remember why but whatever it was surely wasn't more important than that phone call. After that, I started making really bad life choices like dating alcoholics and sleeping with my boss among other toxic defense mechanisms that only left me needing to fill another void. I wasn't an alcoholic but drinking didn't help and only assisted in those questionable decisions.

I really tried to convince myself the liquor was the culprit. I was able to identify that what happened was impulsive and irresponsible so if I was sober it wouldn't have happened right? I couldn't be so sure because I was completely sober when those thoughts crossed my mind seeing them in the lobby and when I was making myself cum to hearing them through the wall even before the possibility of the night was on the table. Still, none of that changed the fact that the next morning, I was left alone with my thoughts and those thoughts were idiotic. If I had allowed myself to see them again, I didn't want to face the inevitable disappointment. I'm sure they would've been nice about it, maybe even wanted to run it back before the weekend was over but they weren't thinking what I was. They weren't imagining an unconventional life where we all loved each other because normal people didn't catch feelings after one night and normal married couples weren't looking for a girlfriend.

It wasn't until two weeks after the event that I decided to look and see if either of them had another profile on another platform. Imagine my surprise when I discovered who Denise was. I couldn't even blame her for not telling me the truth. People start acting weird around people they admire. But that wouldn't have changed anything for me, it just confirmed whyour chemistry was so magnetic. She wrote the string of words that saved my life.

I forced myself to put down my phone and decided to turn on some music while I watered my plants.Ain’t it Funby Paramore never ceased to brighten my mood even though it was a reality check in disguise. I dwelled on the lyrics reminding me that no one was coming to save me and suddenly I needed something stronger than music and plants to get me through the day. There was nothing worse than realizing you were out of weed when you needed it most. I needed these thoughts sedated immediately so I threw on some clothes and pulled up on my girl whose husband happened to be my plug.

"Hey Nik!" she greeted me with a big hug.

"Hey Lis!" I said, embracing her back.

I met Lisa at a lawyer’s convention Myles insisted I accompany him to a year ago. I caught her outside smoking a blunt and knew she was my people when she offered me some. We became friends instantly. It was some of the best weed I'd ever smoked and it turned out her husband grew it himself. I hadn't been back to a dispensary since.

"What's good Nik?" Malcolm, her husband, greeted from the kitchen. "Your usual?"

"Yeah, but let me get an ounce this time."

"I got you," he said, disappearing to the back.

Should I been buying a whole ounce of weed while not having a job? Probably not, but my first unemployment check came through and I was being economically responsible by buying in bulk. That's what I told myself anyway.

"Come sit down and smoke one with me," Lisa said, plopping down on the couch. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."

Her laptop and stacks of paper sat on the coffee table in front of us, evidence that she had been working.

"Working on a big case?" I asked, settling into the couch across from her.

"Ugh, yes. Which is why I could use this much needed break."

She pulled a rolling tray into her lap and proceeded to roll the most perfect blunt I'd ever seen, her fingers working with practiced precision.

"So what's been going on girl? Last time we talked you were getting ready for that book festival. How was that?" she asked, using the lighter to seal the blunt closed.

"Shit, where do I start? I got fired that weekend and slept with a married couple. Which one you wanna hear about first?"

She choked on the puff she inhaled, her eyes watering.

"You slept with a married couple?!" she exclaimed, after she took a sip from her bottle of water.

"Should I come back or..." Malcolm said, entering the room just as Lisa said that.

"No, I actually wanted to talk to the both of you. I need some advice. If that's alright," I said, looking to Lisa.