Page 77 of The Duchess Debt

“I deserve arealmarriage, Gabe, in every way. That includes love. And I will never have that as long as you’re still connected to Clarissa, even if that connection is only one of hatred.” She paused, then added softly, “Alice deserves better, too.”

“Calling off our wedding is not the answer.” At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to sweep her into his arms and carry her off into the night, where nothing could ever come between them again. But that was only fantasy. Losing her before had taught him the risks of trusting too much in fantasy and dreams. Tonight, though, was nothing but brutal reality.

“Then what is the answer, Gabe? Because I can’t reach back in time and stop her from hurting you. I can’t make her apologize or pay reparations for what she did.” She placed her hand on his chest, right over his heart. “And I can’t heal the wounds she put here.” She rubbed his chest as if she wished she could simply will the past away. “I thought I could, but I was wrong.” Her hand dropped away. “The only person who can heal those are you.”

With a look of equal parts anguish and resolve, she took a single step back, but the distance gaped between them like an icy chasm.

“There will be no wedding tomorrow,” she said with firm determination, as if to convince herself as much as him. “I can’t marry a man who doesn’t love me or our children.” Her voice choked. “Allof them, even the one who isn’t ours.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Helena sat on the edge of her bed and stared out the window, across the lawn toward the woods and the softly rolling hills in the distance whose silhouettes became more pronounced as the sky lightened. Day was approaching, and she didn’t know whether to be glad that the horrible night was over or break down completely.

She wore her traveling dress and long coat that reached down to her hem and buttoned all the way up the front, with her bonnet resting on her lap, as if she would be stepping into a coach at any moment. Even her trunks were all packed and stacked by the door to be taken downstairs by the footmen, her small travel bag sitting at her feet.

But departure was still an hour away. Even then, she would have to go into the village before she could leave for London and her family. She had to go to the church and explain to the vicar and all the guests that there wouldn’t be a wedding this morning, apologize for any inconvenience she had caused, accept their confusion…perhaps even their anger. She owed them that—she owedGabethat, so that everyone would know that none of what had transpired was his fault…even if it was. After all, she knew the pain of being jilted, of being the brunt of the gossip to follow, and she didn’t want Gabe, Verity, or Alice to suffer.

“So close,” she whispered to the window and the streaks of pink and blue becoming visible in the sky above the park.So very close to having all my dreams come true…

Dear God, her family… What would they say when she arrived, unmarried and without a settlement contract? She pressed the back of her hand against her mouth to keep down a fresh bout of tears as the guilt rushed through her. She had letthem all down. Her marriage to Gabe would have saved them from destitution.

But she also knew that none of her sisters or her father would want her to marry Gabe now, not with such a disagreement about Alice weighing over them. Sending Alice away would be a terrible mistake, for both the little girl and Gabe, and Helena simply refused to be a part of that. Alice’s exile would be a wound a marriage could never withstand.

The sun peaked over the horizon, and its light flooded across the woods and fields, painting the land in golden yellow hues. It was a beautiful morning.

A perfect morning for a wedding.

She swiped her hand at the tear that escaped down her cheek.

Enough!Helena couldn’t tolerate just sitting here a moment longer. She would go mad listening to the clock ticking away the minutes, so she set her bonnet aside and stood. She would use the time before she had to leave to say goodbye to the people at Grangely Park who had been so kind to her…Verity, Larkin, Mrs. Brimley, Cook, the footmen, all the maids. But she would start with the one person she knew would be least likely to accept her goodbyes.

Alice.

The little girl would already be up, Helena knew, as she made her way through the silent house. Most likely, she hadn’t slept a wink all night and had run poor Nanny Potts ragged from all her excitement over the wedding and her role as flower girl. Helena’s heart broke when she thought of the hours Alice had practiced walking down the aisle, scattering paper confetti from her basket while longing to use real rose petals as she would for the ceremony.

Helena paused outside the nursery’s closed door and blinked hard to clear her stinging tears. Good Lord, how did shehave any left after a night spent crying in her room? Yet still they came and blurred her vision at the thought that Alice might already be wearing her pink flower girl dress with its Belgium lace and satin trim that matched Helena’s. But she heard no movement inside the room and none of the happy peals of laughter she’d come to associate with the little girl.

She pulled in a steadying breath and knocked softly.

No answer. She waited a moment longer, more to give herself time to clear the tears from her eyes than to give Nanny Potts time to come to the door, then knocked again.

Still no answer. Fixing a forced smile on her face, Helena opened the door. “Good morning! It’s such a beautiful day and—”

She stopped in the doorway. There was no movement inside the room, no tray of barely touched breakfast dishes, no flurry of getting ready for the wedding, no bouncing around with excitement—

Alice wasn’t there. Neither was Nanny Potts.

Everything was in its place, from the rocking horse with its real horsehair mane and tail to the dollhouse that was still closed up for the night, right down to the rows of stuffed animals sitting against the wall and the little table with its tiny child tea things, all set out for the dolls to enjoy. No night clothes lying across the bed, no coat hanging from its peg near the door—

A chill shivered through Helena as her attention fell onto a little bundle on the floor. It was the doll that Helena had given Alice on her first day at Grangely. The same doll the little girl insisted went everywhere with her, including on her riding lessons and fishing along the river. That doll lay dropped on the floor in a heap beside the bed.

Panic reverberated inside her, and she ran to the stair landing and leaned over the wrought iron banister. “Help!” Hervoice came hoarse and winded with fear, but she forced down her shaking and called down the stairwell again. “Help me!”

A footman darted into the stair hall on the ground floor and looked up at her through the marble stairs that curled upward in an oval. “My lady?”

Her hands clenched the metal railing so hard her fingers turned white. “Find His Grace. Send him to the nursery—now!”

Nodding, the young man rushed up the stairs toward the bedrooms on the first floor.