Page 88 of Spell Ya Later

Panic thrums in my bones, my stomach rolling in a way that almost makes me nauseous. “I?—”

“I told you about Sam.” His voice breaks over his brother’s name. “I told you about all the cracked and broken places inside me, and I’m finally realizing that you never reciprocated. At all. I know barely anything about your family, about your life. What you are. You’ve kept me at a distance andlied, Hazel.”

My eyes burn with tears, my vision blurs. He’s not wrong, and he’s going to leave me. The person who makes me feel happy, feel whole, is going to leave because I wasn’t ready to share my whole self with him.

I’ve never shared my whole self with anyone.

He shakes his head again, hair tickling the edge of the bruise under his eye. “You gave me the safety of knowing you would never judge me. You made me feel heard and seen in a way no one ever has before. You are beautiful, intelligent, and kind. I loved you so goddamn much and all I asked was for you not to lie. And you chose to lie about the biggest thing in your life.”

“I do love you, Noah.” I’m wobbling, stumbling over my words. “I just didn’t know how. I wasn’t ready.”

He drops his head into his hand. “I can’t think right now. Every single part of my body aches like I’ve been slammed into a wall. Which I probably fucking was. I’m exhausted and I can’t. I can’t.”

“Noah—”

“I can’t.” Finally he meets my gaze and it’s broken. Anguished. But final. He won’t be discussing this. Not now. Maybe not ever.

I nod, tears escaping to make little trails down my cheeks. “I’ll let you rest.”

Despite it being physically painful—like a knife cutting through my abdomen—I stand and walk toward the door. I may never want to leave his side, but I can’t force him to want me there.

“I’d like to leave tomorrow,” he murmurs.

I turn as his eyes close.

“Okay,” I whisper.

Closing the door behind me is the hardest thing I’ve had to do. And tomorrow will be worse.

What if he never comes back? What if my soulmate rejects me? I know I won’t die or anything dramatic, but I know I won’t love anyone else. Ever.

What if he gets married? Has babies? Moves on with his life as if I never existed and I’m just stuck here in a soulmate bond by myself?

Alone forever.

“Hazel, come. Stand up,” Grandma’s voice calls to me.

Am I on the floor?

I’m wheezing, I’m barely breathing. I’m apparently in the middle of a goddamn panic attack and I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I had no idea.

“I don’t have the energy to help you up, dear, you have to stand on your own,” she continues, her voice weary and small.

She lost her daughter today.

How the hell have I not even processed that fact until this moment? I’m wrapped up in Laura, in Noah, and myself, completely ignoring the shit Grandma must be going through.

It’s been a hell of a twenty-four hours.

With a strength I barely knew I possessed, I manage to stand. To address the woman who has been nothing but a pillar of strength to me for my entire life. “What do we do?”

She shakes her head, leaning heavily against the floral wallpaper in the hallway of her cottage. “I have no idea.”

My thoughts are on Noah. On Mom. On Laura. On all the people I’ve let down, who have let me down. On all I’ve lost today. I run my fingers along the warm wood door separating me from the person I love most.

“He’ll forgive you,” she says.

A pained chuckle that hurts my chest escapes me. “No, Grandma. I don’t think he will.”