Page 82 of Tangled Control

I straighten, take a deep breath and slowly release it. I willneverstop living again.He is not breaking me!

“I’m not going to stop living,” I swear to my reflection in the window. The train darts past, whining its consent.

I nod, confirming my resolve. I’ll not let Rian, my career, money, my father, or my mother stop me from living my life to the full.

Starting with this Friday.

I will go to the spring barbeque.

Rian may have made his choice, but so have I. I’m not hiding! I’ll show him what he let go. I will keep my head high, and I will live – not a little – buta lot!

Forty Four

Rian

Two days have passed since Catriona left my office that grim Wednesday morning. The morning she tried to make me admit what I’ve done.

And I didn’t utter a word.

The quiver of her lips, the blue in her eyes all dimmed, her pencil-straight back as she tried to keep it together.

Two days of guilt, pain and regret. I know every faint crack in my ceiling from staring up at it during sleepless nights. Darkness is seeping in through every corner of my life.

We’ve both done our absolute best to avoid being alone together, although my eyes gravitate to her and my lips crave to say three sacred little words. I want to tell her that despite how I feel, I can’t be with her. That I have no choice. Beg her to forget about me, as I’m not worthy of her. The cheerful young man Catriona teased out of me is gone. Only apathy lingers. I am the cowardly bastard she accused me of being. A whole lot of emptiness reflects back at me every time I look in the mirror.

This is not how I expected my union with Alexandra to pan out. She’s hardly been on my mind since our date. With the exception of her disastrous visit to my office, of course.

But there’s no avoiding it now – Dad will kill me if I miss the spring barbeque.

I take a steadying inhale, grab my overnight bag from the passenger seat and get out of the car. The reef of fresh flowers and theFáiltesign on the door normally bring on a sense of belonging, but not today. My footsteps hardly make a sound as I enter my childhood home, as if I’m only a shadow with no substance.

“Rian!” Mum greets me with the biggest smile and gives me a crushing hug. “I’m so glad you listened to me and finally asked Alexandra out!”

So, she’s read the gossip pages as well. Not that I’m surprised – the pictures of us were spread out as the main dish for everyone to devour. Including Catriona. Bile rises in my throat. I’m sure the stock market is reacting to the news and bets on a wedding date are being placed at the bookies.

Mum leads me intothe white room, her shoes clicking loudly against the hardwood floor as if my date has givenhersubstance. Who would have guessed that the arrogant snob Rian Kearney is an altruist – living to please others.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I plead ignorance.

Mum swats my arm playfully. “Come on, tell me all about it. When did you ask her?”

“Actually, the question is, when didsheask me.”

“Oh?” Mum draws her brows together but then composes herself. “Well, it’s a modern world, nothing wrong with a woman taking the initiative. I’m sure you have something special planned for your next date.”

No, I don’t.

I give Mum a weak smile and turn to the dark mahogany drinks cabinet in the corner of the room. Mum’s been wanting to change it with a more fun, vintage art deco unit, but hasn’t found the right one yet, despite attending antiques auctions in both London and Paris.

“Do you want anything?” I ask as I grab a beer out of the bottle fridge.

“I’m fine, love.”

“Have Rosie and Knox arrived yet?” I try to change the topic.

Mum doesn’t answer. She tilts her head to the side and scans my face. I avert my gaze.

“What’s wrong, Rian?”