Page 55 of A Quiet Affection

“A duel!”

“It would be an ordinary thing,” Fitzwilliam replied. “In such a situation—were you my…”

“Your sister?”

“Yes, if you were my sister…or wife, everyone would agree I ought to challenge him.”

That notion, that he could imagine her as his wife sent a thrill through Elizabeth that threatened to override the sensations of the past hour, even though she knew that he could not mean anything by it.

“I’d heard Wickham with that woman. Years ago, when I used to wander the halls at nights, I heard them together. And then I remembered the day before the wedding. I didn’t tell Jane. I didn’t tell her. I nearly did. I went to her planning to tell her, but instead we argued about whether I should stay with her or go to live with my uncle in London, and then…and then…I told myself that I did not need to tell her because…because…oh it does not matter what I said to myself. I made excuses for not doing my duty, and I failed my sister, and the guilt will always be mine. And then I heard Wickham with Submit in the drawing room last night. And I was so angry at myself, but I—I shouted athim. I tried to hit him, as though that would remove my sin. I do not know what I was thinking. Oh, this is all my fault.”

Fitzwilliam was silent for a while. He led them to circle the house instead of entering directly, and they’d gone halfway around before he spoke again.

No part of Lizzy’s story surprised Darcy. He was delighted that she had trusted him enough to confess something that she felt was deeply shameful, and he could not judge her harshly without hypocrisy. The protectiveness that he felt for Lizzy at finding her struggling to escape from Mr. Wickham had created such an emotion in Darcy as he had never experienced before.

It had been the need to protect Lizzy, and to guide her away, that kept him from pummeling Wickham with his fists in that drawing room.

He realized when he saw her pushed to the floor in that room that there was nothing so important to him in the world as protecting Elizabeth. It was a feeling that had been growing in him since he’d first stopped for half a minute to observe her on the swing when he’d come back from Russia. He would happily pay any price to see her happy, safe, and well. And he wanted to play some important part in the making of that happiness.

He took so long to decide how to reply because he wished to say something that would truly comfort Lizzy.

At last Darcy said, “It certainly was a mistake to not tell your sister what you knew of Wickham’s character. And perhaps she would have been saved from marriage to that man if you had told her. You must strive to learn from this, and to never make the same mistake again.”

“Do you really not think I am so terrible? Do you really not hate me?”

It is hard to state how strong the affection that Elizabeth felt towards Darcy at him saying this was—not excusing her, not pretending that she had done nothing wrong, but telling her that she was still able to learn.

“Lizzy, I could never hate you.”

“Not even if you should?”

“No, never.” Darcy felt a lump in his throat. “Never. Never, ever.”

Lizzy pressed a hand to her mouth. “It is not fair. It is not. It is not. I am free. I am unharmed. I can simply learn frommymistake—I can try to not make it again. Jane is married to him. It is unfair! I should be the one to suffer.”

“I know.” Darcy said quietly, “I also failed your sister. When I returned from university, I had determined that I must inform my father about the immoral behavior I had seen in Wickham, but before departing to Russia I never found a convenient time to speak to him. It was awkward, I knew the conversation would bring him grief, and I thought there could be no harm in delaying it for another year, since Wickham could not be given a living until he was much older.”

“Oh,” Elizabeth said in a small voice. “Was this the real reason you tried to stop the marriage? That you knew Wickham’s character?”

“Why else would I have?” Darcy looked at Lizzy and saw that her face was suffused with a pink glow that seemed to not wholly come from the cold. “No, but what notion did you have?”

She flushed and did not answer.

“Perhaps I should have told Jane about what I knew of Wickham’s character directly. Perhaps she would not have believed either of us. She is very much the sort of person who could have been easily convinced by Wickham that he had repented of every past mistake and that she must continue to look upon him with favor and admiration.”

“Why didn’t you speak directly to Jane when your father would not listen?”

“Wickham had been in the room, and he presented the notion to Papa that I was in love with Jane. I do not know why he believed it. It makes me wonder at his understanding of my character. There has been much that he has done in the past months that shows poor judgement. Yet…as much as I wish to attribute it all to his illness, I think many of the mistakes that he has made reflect fundamental flaws in his way of thinking.Even, sometimes, failings of character. He expects too little of the world but too much of himself.”

“Oh, it is obvious why he believed that you were in love with Jane. Everyone says that she is the most beautiful woman in the county. And you are the most prominent, handsome, and wealthy bachelor in the neighborhood. It is natural to believe that you are in love with her.”

“Is it? I do not wish to speak against your sister’s goodness. She is good, and she is sweet, and she is all that a gentlewoman is supposed to be. I believe in the strength of her character but not her…”

“Yes?” Elizabeth grinned at him. “How do you mean to insult my sister?”

Suddenly Darcy asked, “Do you think I am in love with Jane?”

“Oh, not anymore,” Lizzy replied cheerfully. “I…I was silly, and I did not think clearly when I thought you were. But I also thought that was why you tried to stop the marriage.”