Page 45 of A Quiet Affection

“You shall have Wickham,” Elizabeth replied.

For her part, Jane was shocked. She had known that Elizabeth was unhappy to leave Pemberley, but the idea that her sister might positively wish to avoid living with her was a wholly new notion.

“Surely you must know,” Jane said at last, “that I wish for you to live with me. I wish to be able to care for you. I will be happy. And it will not be such a burden to have you near, when I share it with George. You must see that caring for you is not more than I can bear. You are my sister. We belong together.”

“I don’t want to be cared for. Lord, how many times must I tell you, I need no particular care. You see how I live. Jane, I do not believe that I can be useful to you. And I now know that I am not needed at Pemberley at all. It is—to stay so close—it would be exquisitely painful.”

“It would be painful to stay with me?”

“No, this does not relate to you. No, it does. But no—Lord, I will not speak of it. But it is about—”

“Oh. Oh, I had not realized that you would mourn Mr. Darcy so. I understand. But would you not find greater comfort in remaining near him until he has died?”

Jane’s supposition startled Elizabeth. She opened and closed her mouth. This conversation had not gone as she had intended.

“No, Jane, my desire to leave relates in no way to Mr. Darcy.”

She had meant to tell her sister about Wickham being a wholly ordinary gentleman who seduced kitchen maids. But telling her would not help Jane. She had only wished to tell Jane for the sake of keeping her own hands clean, and not to improve her sister’s wellbeing. The thought had crossed her mind that if she told Jane it might prevent the wedding, and that Fitzwilliam might marry Jane.

Therefore, she must tell Jane to prove that she was willing to see the man she loved, in a wholly childish, foolish, and helpless infatuation, marry her sister rather than fail to tell her sister important information about the man that she was to marry.

But Jane could not be ignorant of Wickham’s character. She was not so stupid. Was she?

If she was truly ignorant of Wickham’s character, and believed him to be everything that was good, she would not believe Elizabeth’s accusations.

It did not matter what she said. The story was three years old. It would only make Jane unhappy. It was better to say nothing.

“Lizzy, tell me, is there something amiss between us? Is this like…like after everyone died, and you thought that I wished that you had died also? Lizzy, I promise you. I only wish for you to be happy.”

Elizabeth felt a sudden dreadful tiredness. “Oh, Jane, my dear Jane. I love you. I wish you to have every happiness in the world.I do. I hope you will be very happy, very merry, and all that is good. You will always be all that is good, and fate cannot be unkind to you.”

“Lizzy, I want you to be with me.”

“I will write to you, often, three times a week. And you will write in turn to me. Dear Jane, you will be happier alone with your husband.”

And,thought Elizabeth,I will be happier far from here.

She feared that Fitzwilliam wouldtellher about how he loved Jane, and then cry on her shoulder for that reason, and she would start to hope that he would come to love her, but he never would. She was a scarred, blind girl of no fortune and with no valuable connections. She must find her own way in life, and she would do that better in London.

“I will not,” Jane replied. “I wish for you to stay with me. At least…at least until we are settled. Perhaps until Mr. Darcy dies. Do stay for a time.”

“I ought not. I—”

“Please. I shall need you. Fitzwilliam shall need you. His grief will be great; you know that it will be. Please say that you shall stay; only promise to stay with me until then, and if you still do not like how we live, if you still wish to leave to go with Uncle Gardiner, I shall understand. But please, Lizzy, I don’t—I want you to be with me when I am first married. I shall be more comfortable in that way. I know I seldom ask you for anything, but please, be with me for a few months.”

There was something about the way that Jane spoke which told Elizabeth that her sister wanted her because she would make Jane’s life better, rather than worse. Any girl would prefer to have her sister with her when she was first married and settingup house, that was only natural. If Elizbeth had not been blind, she would have thought nothing of it.

“I will stay, but only until after the funeral—Lord, so grim, so morbid, to bury Mr. Darcy already. After the funeral I shall write to Mr. Gardiner to make new arrangements.”

Jane burst forward and embraced Elizabeth. “Thank you, Lizzy, thank you!”

It deeply relieved Jane to have her sister stay with her.

She was certain that Elizabeth would decide to remain with her, because she could not imagine why Elizabeth would not. But even if her sister insisted on going away to London—which was her right, even though it would hurt Jane—for her own sake, Jane was very happy that there would be one friendly face of a person who she knew she could depend on to care for her interests at the dower house when she moved into it with her husband.

It says much about the state of Jane’s mind at this time, and the ways in which this marriage was unfortunate, that in no way did she consider her prospective husband to be such a person.

After this, Elizabeth went to Georgiana to tell her that she would live with Jane for some additional months. Even though the young girl had begun to count upon the idea of Elizabeth going south in the carriage with her, and them having an additional two days together as a result, Georgiana was bravely happy for the change. “Fitzwilliam shall need you more than I shall. He would miss you terribly if we both were gone when he returns from Matlock. I will be forced into the school under all circumstances, and I do not mind reading the whole way in the carriage. You know thatIdo not get sick. And then you will be here for Christmas.”