Page 19 of Fathom

I had to keep her safe.

Regret flooded me as I knew what that meant.

Tomorrow I’d find her a new place to live.

For now, the discomfort of the hard floor would give me something to think about other than replaying the way her hand had slid down my abdomen, the way she had taken me in her hand, shocking my every sense with the combination of her scent and touch. That memory was now etched into my mind, carved into my heart with the thought of possibilities that had never seemed within my own grasp.

When she grabbed me, she had taken hold of me in more ways than one.

SEVEN

LEIJA

I woke up abruptly, my body relaxed as the peaceful blue glow of the strange sun filtered in through the window. The strange quality of the light snapped me to full awakeness, a sudden awareness of everything that had happened, the events of the night before slamming into my conscious mind with an undeniable force. Did I really do that, or did I dream that? Was I really that kind of woman? I'd never done anything like that before, not to a stranger, anyone. I wasn't inexperienced, but I certainly had never shoved my hand down a guy's pants like that. The few partners I had before had all been the kind that did all the initiating, and I had just gone along with it. It was a first for me.

First time seeing aliens. First time being abducted. First time running for my life.

First time grabbing a guy by the junk.

I covered my face with my hands at the sudden surge of embarrassment, shame, and a strange sense of pride. I shouldn'thave touched him like that without his consent, but last night, his weird snarling and snapping had scared me. He was holding me too tightly, his claws were pricking me in a way that was starting to hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I couldn’t get to my knife, which I had still tucked in the pocket of the jacket he had given me. I had been scared but also turned on by how his body felt against mine, all hard and muscular. I had felt his desire pressed up against me, and I didn't know if I wanted to scream and fight or spread my legs and surrender.

My options had flashed through my mind.

There was no way I could fight him; he was huge and had claws and teeth and was acting like he was thinking about tearing me apart, even as he had shifted his hips against me like he was thinking of fucking me. He had been dry humping me, and though I'd been aroused, I also needed it to stop, to pause for a moment so I could catch my breath and not just sleep with him out of a desire-slicked fear.

Just because the human body had a natural arousal response to protect against injury, didn't mean I was actually ready to fuck a hot, growly, alien.

So I did the first thing that came to mind. I grabbed his junk. I wasn't sure if I was trying to seduce him, take charge, or threaten him, but I grabbed it anyway. As I gripped him, feeling that the thing between his legs felt far more compatible than I was expecting…. I don’t know what possessed me, but my feelings changed from fear to power to desire in the flash of a second. In taking control of him, everything about the situation changed.

When I dug my nails into him, it was a choice born from the twisted conflict of my feelings.

The sound of pain that had come from his mouth, cutting off his growling, had made me feel powerful.

I was scared, in an alien land, and I threatened to rip off the balls of the first guy who helped me.

And it had turned me on.

I had gone from scared and titillated to fully turned on and one hundred percent down to see just how compatible we were in the span of a few seconds, so I had lightened my touch, exploring him, giving room for what I thought he had been trying to initiate. I was a few heartbeats away from climbing on top of him and seeing just how far I wanted to take it.

But he had said no.

Not just once, but multiple times before I realized what he was saying.

Shame rushed through me at the memory. He hadn't wanted that. Maybe growling in his society was friendly, and he was trying to be pleasant or soothing, something like that, and I just sexually assaulted him by shoving my hand down his pants without warning. He must think I was a grade A freak.

I took a deep breath, my negative self thoughts flooding me.

What was that thing I’d read on an internet forum a few weeks ago? Whenever feeling a moment of shame or negative vibes about something I’d done in the past, to take a moment and try to feel love for myself.

I exhaled slowly, took another deep breath, focusing on building a sensation of warmth in my chest. I repeated the words silently in my mind.

I love myself for who I am. I love myself for who I was at that moment, even if it isn’t what I would do today. I accept myself and will strive to make the choices that serve my community and me. I learn from my mistakes and compost those moments in my memories so that my future choices can grow from that rich, healthy soil.

I took another deep breath and let the twisting feelings inmy chest give way to warmth and acceptance. I couldn't change what I had done, but I could change how I acted in the future.

Besides, he had been growling and rubbing against me and clung to me, even after I dug my nails into him. I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not asking for consent when he hadn't either.

I peeked out between my fingers.