Page 125 of The Risk Taker

He pushes up onto his elbows and even through the haze of booze, I see the flicker of hurt behind his eyes. I hate that I’m the reason for it.

He lets out a breath, shaking his head. “I haven’t let myself want anyone in a long time,” he says. “Not after the shit with my parents, not after what happened in high school—” He shakes his head. “But you. I thought you… that we…fuck.” He groans, running a hand down his face.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. What do I even say to that? He doesn’t give me a chance to say anything, though.

“When it’s just us, it’s good.” He blows out a breath, meeting my eyes. “It’s so fucking great. You hold me, you touch me, you look at me like I’m—” He swallows hard, dragging a hand through his hair. “And then someone walks in and it’s all gone. Like it didn’t mean fucking anything to you.”

“It did,” I say, more forcefully this time. “It does.”

His eyes flash to mine. “Then why won’t you act like it?”

I don’t answer because I don’t know how.

He exhales sharply. “I can’t keep doing this if it’s gonna stay a secret forever,” he says with a slow shake of his head.

“That’s not fair,” I tell him, my stomach churning at his words. “You know I’m not ready.”

His head lifts slowly. “I know that. I’m not asking you to come out before you’re ready. I just… I don’t want to feel like a dirty secret anymore. Because every time I thought that maybe we were something… you made sure we weren’t.”

I step forward, my heart rippling in my chest. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I kissed you,” I tell him, a frown tugging at my lips. “Told you I wanted you.”

“Only when we’re naked and alone,” he points out.

“I brought you to my parents’ house,” I say, desperate to make him see the things I haven’t had the words to explain. “I’ve shared my bed with you. I’ve—” My throat tightens. “Don’t tell me you’re nothing to me.”

He doesn’t say anything at first. His jaw just clenches, and his hand curls around the blanket like he needs something to hold on to. “I’ve already lived through this,” he says after a few minutes, blowing out a harsh breath. “I’ve already lost peopleover this. I’ve already been made to feel like something to be ashamed of. And I’m not doing it again.”

He watches me for a second, and I can see the storm in his head, every emotion flickering across his face.

“I’m not going back into the closet, Nathan. Not for anyone.”

My heart thuds in my chest. I want to tell him I’m not ashamed of him, that I’ve loved every minute of the time we spent together. That I’m just… scared. Scared of how much will change and how everyone’s perspective of me will shift when they realize I’m not the person they thought I was. That he sees me for who I am and it scares the hell out of me how much I feel for him.

But I don’t say any of that, because his words ring in my head, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

“What are you saying?” I ask, barely managing to get the words out. “Are you… breaking up with me?”

Logan shrugs. It’s the saddest shrug I’ve ever seen. “How can we break up if we were never together?”

My stomach drops.

He looks away, running a hand down his face. “Fuck. I just wanted someone who’d choose me. For fucking once in my life, I want someone who chooses me.”

I don’t know how to prove to him that he’s the only person on this goddamn planet that I would choose. That he’s changed me. That I don’t even know who I am without him anymore. That when I think of what I want my life to look like, it’shim. In my bed. On the couch. At games. At my fucking side.

He’s the only person who’s ever made me feel like me. Not the guy I’m supposed to be, or the one my dad expects, or the one my team knows. Just… me.

But I know that’s not enough.

Because what he wants—what hedeserves—is someone who can love him out loud.

I wish I were the guy who could take his hand in a crowded room without thinking, who could look at him with the whole world around us and not feel that panic claw up my throat.

And it kills me that I can’t give him that yet, because he has already given me so much. Happiness I didn’t know I was capable of. A version of myself I didn’t think existed.