Page 73 of Dollhouse

“Leave.” It’s immediate, as if there is no other option. Maybe for him there isn’t. “I tried to wait. To let him cool off, but he hasn’t come back. I just…I just need to know.”

“That he’s okay,” I finish and he nods. His blue-green eyes are darker now. We’re all in pain it seems, but seeing it on Jesse makes me desperate to take it away from him. “I get it.”

It’s as still as I’ve seen him; this contemplative, melancholic man that reaches out for the half-empty bottle of Jack on the dresser and knocks it back, trying to quiet whatever thoughts have taken over his head. I should probably gently remove it from the room and try to get him to rest, but who am I to tell anyone how to deal with their torment?

Instead, I grip the bottle and take a drink myself. It burns, but that’s okay. Jesse’s wry smile when I return it to him has none of his usual animation behind it. “Shit, I’m a bad influence. Sorry, Em.”

I shrug. “Maybe we deserve a day to fall apart.”

His inked fingers tug at his hood as if he could disappear inside it. His eyes close and he lies back, his large hand going to cover his face, and I snuggle up against his side.

“I think Bo left because of me. He feels smothered here, because of how I am.” Fingers tighten around my waist and I listen as his heart hammers away inside of him. “I wanted him to let me in and he wouldn’t. Not at all. He wouldn’t even let me help him change his bandages and the more I saw him disappearing inside himself, the harder I pushed. Just to tell me what happened, to let me help him.”

He falls quiet, every muscle in his body strung tight like he’s on the verge of combusting beneath me. “I’m just so sorry, Em. I’m so sorry that the way we tried to protect you both wasn’t enough.”

The slight loll in his words highlights the pain in his voice, his chest hitching with the trouble of trying to hold it in. He’s vibrating with the effort of trying not to shatter.

“Jesse, this is not your fault.” I sit up, tugging on his arm so he’s forced to look up at me. His seafoam eyes are rimmed in redandpainand he looks so incredibly sad. “None of it. Bo loves you, he just…” I shake my head. “They separated us at the end, so I don’t know everything he went through, but…but I think he’s just not ready for us to see it yet.”

The reminder triggers Jesse’s muscles to ripple, tightening beneath me with a quick snap like I imagine a snake would. His jaw clenches, hands covering his face as he groans into them, a broken sound of regret and rage and fuckingheartbreak. If it was anyone else, I’d be terrified to be this close to them when they look so close to losing their shit, but…

But it’s my Jesse, so I ignore my hammering heart and lean forward to take another drink from the bottle.

“Fuck, I can’t lose someone else like this.” His voice is strained now, raw from screaming and the rasp pulls at my heart. There’s nothing I can say to fix it and this is the part that kills me.

Minutes pass by in a thick silence, both of us lost in our own heads. At least we’re lost in them together, I guess, and that somehow feels a lot less lonely. The bottle empties a little at a time and doesn't burn as much after a while. The creep of Jesse’s warm hand on my back brings me back from my own rumination and he sits up, hugging me to his side.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t do this with you. I don’t want to make things harder than they are.”

“You won’t. I’m still the same person, you don’t have to tiptoe around me.”

“Don’t I?” He murmurs, brushing back the hair from my face absently. “All I want is to make you both feel safe again, but all I have inside me is this fucking bloodlust. It’s constant. Knowing we have Bundy and Eric locked up makes it so hard not to go to them and spend every moment making them scream.”

I shiver, the picture in my head too conflicting. I’ve seen enough violence, felt enough hurt from the beatings. And yet, I crave the image of Jesse extracting revenge for me. For us.

For every person that was saved.

“I like that idea,” I admit and the rumble of laughter in his chest makes me smile.

“You could join if you want. The whole idea of keeping them alive is to let you and Bo decide what happens next.”

My nose scrunches. “I don't know if I have that in me, but Bo might. I saw a side of him there that I didn’t know existed. He was…vicious. Maybe it would make him feel better.”

A grin cracks across his handsome face. “Maybe. They’ll be kept alive long enough for you both to decide what you want to do with them.” He leans toward me and my body hums. It’s still in awe that this dangerous, beautiful man has his attention on me. “Sometimes violenceisthe answer, Em.”

I blink, blinded by his presence all over again. Oh, that’s right. I’m sharing heartache with a killer. “I probably wouldn’t have believed that a year ago, but I guess that’s changed now.” I nudge him with my shoulder. “Have you always been so scrappy?”

That familiar bark of laughter makes me smile. “Yeah, I used to get into a lot of fights as a kid. It’s always been a part of me, for better or for worse.”

“As a kid? What were you fighting about then?”

His head tilts. “Anything really. My mom made sure to teach me to stand up for people who couldn’t defend themselves and I really took that to heart.” Side-eyeing me, he bits his lip, his tongue playing with the lip ring and my stomach tightens. He’s too beautiful for his own good. “Especially Lily and Noah.”

My eyes widen. “What do you mean?”

He smirks. “He was always a quiet little fuck. Stoic. But he didn’t have that tendency to violence like I had until he wasolder. We saw a lot growing up—kind of hard not to with our family—but it put him off until we were teenagers. He just always took in more, watched and listened instead of bouncing off the walls like I did. Lily was the same, which is why they got along so well. And they both had me to beat the shit out of anyone who even looked at them sideways.”

I can’t help but smile, a surge of affection flooding me for the wild man at my side. Rough around the edges, undeniably, but still sogood. “You were their hero. I love that.”