Page 41 of Dollhouse

They didn’t listen to Emma’s pleas, how dare they think I would grant mercy on them?

“No,” Jesse growls, fighting to my side. “I wanted to do it. Noah, I wanted that.” His hand grips the man’s hair, yanking his head back to see if any life remains on his face. “Fuck,” he shouts, dropping the body as he stands. “Fuck!” He turns, hands tight in his hair as he crouches back down. “I can’t breathe.”

Shit. Schooling my features, I see Dad nod, approving my stoicism. I put my hand on Jesse’s shoulder and grip him, blood pounding in my ears. “We’ll find them, Jesse. Where’s your inhaler?”

His hands shake under mine, but finally release their death grip on his hair to steeple in front of his face. His jaw clenches, a strangled growl all that escapes from the howl I know he’s trying to trap inside his chest.

I look back to my dad. He’s rubbing his forehead, the only tell he has for trying to come up with the best path forward. Aiden walks back into the room with Jesse’s inhaler and helps him quietly by the couch. It’s been so long since he’s needed it—Bo stopped most of his attacks before they could even reach this point.

“We have to go after her,” I demand.

“Noah, you very seriously need to consider how fucking stupid that would be,” Aiden says, and I look down at him as he forces Jesse to inhale the medicine. Seeing my cousin this way is killing me. It’s Lily all over again.

“I should just let them go? Do nothing while they’re?—”

Dad grabs my arm and pulls me back to the front doors, to the porch. “It’s not a good time to be saying that in front of Jesse or he’s gonna go off the deep end, do you understand? You have to stay strong for him if you want us to figure this out.”

I clench my jaw but nod, feeling every bit as ragged as my cousin. I’ve spent so long numbing myself to this life that breaking down just isn’t an option. I need to move, plan, think.Organize.

This is what I've trained for since I was a kid. Do what’s needed, keep your head.

Emma wanted to get us away from this. To give me a chance to thaw.Feel. I’ve already started to, because she made it feel like the weight of the world isn’t sitting on my shoulders.

It does, and now it’s heavier. Crushing. I kill my panic until my heartbeat evens out.

“Yeah, I’ve got it.”

“Listen, we’re gonna get them. How many people have we saved, huh? We never abandon victims, but we aren’t going to be stupid. You know as well as I do, they aren’t going to be kept at one of their regular harems. And if you go inguns blasting,they could kill them both before you even figure out where they are.”

My eyes squeeze close, and I stare at the ground as the truth assaults me. He’s right. I know he’s right. But the thought of doing nothing?

“I made her a target, this is my fault.”

“No. Everything we know about them points to Bundy wanting her before you stepped in. She would be where she isregardless. But now at least she knows she has someone who will come and get her.”

It’s barely reassuring. But it’s true, she does know that. If she knows anything, Emma can hang onto the fact that I’ll fucking burn the world down to get back to them.

“Try to get in contact with our informant. I know he hasn’t been given much clearance yet, but he needs to give us all the information he has on every building they use.” I turn for the woods instead of the house. “Please.”

Like fuck can I sit in there with all these people when I feel like I’m about to implode. This feeling—helplessness—I haven't felt it since Lily died. Another failure.

I won't let this one end in death.

My fisted hands itch to beat someone into their grave. When I close my eyes, all I see is Bundy. On and on, this rage burns in my stomach like a sick acid that I don’t know how to expel.

“Noah?” Jesse says, boots crunching through the pine needles to where I crouch. He’s able to talk at least, though his voice sounds like shit. “I tried to steal dad’s car but he talked me down. I don’t know how we can get them without risking them getting killed.”

My breath huffs out, the only noise I can make as my heart careens off a fucking cliff. I need to hold it together or we’ll both be useless. “Bo is with her. They’ve protected each other until now, and they’ll keep doing it.” I swallow when my voice sounds less than strong, and try again. “They’re going to survive until we can get there. We just need a few days.”

There’s a heavy pause as we both fight to keep the thoughts from entering our head. A few days is forever when it’s Bundy’s hands they’ve been placed in.

“Come on,” Jesse says, voice dead. “Let’s go home. I can’t stay in this place another night.”

I follow him back to the house, but there’s nothing there to hold me here. The axis of my entire world has shifted, and with Emma gone, all the good has left with her. Maybe she would never see it this way, but she’s been it. All of it. The new center of my world. With her gone, I’m a marionette in the dirt, and Bundy has slashed every last string.

TWENTY-TWO

Fear invades everything inside me,and yet my brain can’t get past the fact that I’d do anything for a shirt.