Page 21 of Dollhouse
He rubs his thumb across my hand in a soothing pattern. “Right, Angel. I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
I accept his lie as truth and burrow into the bed, suddenly crushed by the weight of the world. My eyes grow heavy.
The soothing rub on my hand continues as I feel my mind sink into sleep.
THIRTEEN
The first frostof the year clings to everything the next morning, framing my windowpane in a beautiful chill as I try to make myself look presentable for the Thanksgiving holiday. It has taken everything I have to unroll from the blanket I’ve been cocooned in—probably Noah’s doing before he disappeared from the bedroom this morning. No matter when I wake up, his sheets are tossed to the side, chilled when I run my hand over them.
It’s just normal for us now. He has trouble sleeping; a true insomniac watching his computers endlessly while the rest of us slumber.
The sound of faint bustling from downstairs is strangely soothing. After months of feeling out of my element, this is something familiar. Celebrating the holidays, even if this isn’t the family I usually do it with. We probably need this little hiatus, somethingnormalin the midst of all the stress and worry.
Since marrying Eric, I’d rarely spent the holidays with my parents. There’s been almost no effort on their part to visit much at all in the last few years, though we lived relatively close. It’salmost like they couldn’t make the effort once I’ve been married off, and eventually I just stopped expecting to see them.
Last Thanksgiving had been bittersweet, the memory floating to the forefront like some depressing deja vu, triggered by the smell of the feast being prepared downstairs. I’d spent most of the day alone, prepping dinner for Eric and waiting to hear ifhisparents would be joining us. Secretly, I’d hoped not. Yet, instead of wallowing in that loneliness, I’d beenexcitedbecause he’d finally agreed to start trying to get pregnant.
It was all I had wanted, and all I could think about. The familiar hollow ache in my chest returns at the thought, now that I know it has all been a lie. The hours spent picturing the positive test, the clothes I might buy. What it would be like to come home with my tiny newborn to spend all my time loving and caring for.
Things are so different now.I’mdifferent. The woman I was just a few months ago, who was stuck in purgatory and waiting for life to happen to her, is fading to almost nothing.
There’s no need to wait anymore; lifedidhappen to me, in the form of Noah and Jesse shaking everything up until I didn’t know what was right or wrong. I feel alive, viscerally so, for what may be the first time ever.
That soft, mothering person is always going to be inside me, but now I know the part of me craving for a baby was based on my loneliness. My desire to have someone to love and hold onto, and that’s just not a good reason to bring a child into the world.
Who knows what the future holds? I’m still young.
Eventually, I’m satisfied with how I look and go to find everyone. Downstairs, Noah’s nowhere to be seen, but I’m greeted with a kiss on the cheek by Bo. Jesse nods at me through the window from where he smokes his morning cigarette, looking somehow both messy and godlike at the same time.
“Is Noah here?” I ask Emily who smacks Aiden’s hand away from the desserts.
“He wanted to grab something for tonight,” she says, brushing back a stray hair before smiling at the pie she’s preparing. “I think it’s a gift for someone.”
The nervous flutter in my stomach is ridiculous.
“Drinks, anyone?” Jesse’s voice startles me a few minutes later. I turn to see him holding a silver tray with several frosted glasses on it.
“Oh, um…I'll have whatever Bo’s having.”
“Cool, you two get comfy. We’re having a real holiday today.” He sets the tray down on the coffee table to mix our Screwdrivers.
A hesitant sip leads to me actually loving the taste of it and I turn to scan the room. Bo’s stretched out on the couch, Molly balancing carefully in a roll on his stomach.
His face is turned up, eyes closed and I sneak up and kiss his forehead, beaming when his eyes fly open. He settles back into his pillow, but Molly punishes his movement by slightly extending her claws. “Your cat is holding me hostage.”
“She just loves what a great bed you make.”
“Isn’t this wild? This must be what it’s like to have a family that likes each other for the holidays.”
“Ha,” I say dryly. “I wouldn’t know.”.
“I guess we’re part of it for now.” He peeks up at me with one eye and matches my smile. “Noah rushed out the door this morning.”
“I hope he’ll be back soon,” I say, huddling into another chair. “I should have asked for one of the coffee ones instead of the orange juice.”
“Don't sweat it. Jesse will be back in ten minutes to take your next order. He’s making it his mission to get us drunk today.”
“Whatever for?”
