Page 61 of Hunger

"Yes."

"I love you."

She's quiet for a long moment.

"Jenny."

"Tell Appa I love him too."

"Jenny. What's happening?"

"Nothing." I'm crying again. I'm trying not to cry in a way she can hear and I'm not succeeding. "Nothing's happening. I just wanted to call. I just wanted to say. I love you, Umma. I love Appa. I'm sorry I've been the way I've been. I'm sorry for the last two years."

"?? ?." Her voice has cracked open in a way I haven't heard in a long time. "We're sorry. We're sorry too. We've been sorry every day."

"I know."

I can hear her on the other end. The kitchen noises behind her — a cabinet closing, the soft tap of a cup being set on a counter. Sunday morning sounds in the Tudor house in Dundee. She's in the kitchen where Farkas sat across from her two nights ago.

She doesn't remember him.

She doesn't know what came into her house. She's blessing me without knowing what she's blessing.

I close my eyes. The phone is hot against my ear. The cord is twisted around my hand.

"Are you coming on Sunday?"

I think for a moment. I think about lying. I don't lie.

"I can't come on Sunday, Umma. I'm going somewhere. I'll write to you. I'll call you when I can. I'm sorry. I love you."

"Jenny."

"It's good, Umma. It's good. I'm going somewhere good. I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. You won't be able to find me but I'll find you. I promise. I'll write."

She's crying. I can hear her crying on the other end. I've made my mother cry many times in my life. This is the first time I've made her cry without it being a thing that broke between us.

"Are you safe?" she asks.

The same question. The third time in three days I've been asked it.

"Yes."

"Then go."

"What?"

"Go. Whatever it is. Go." She's still crying but her voice has steadied. "I've been telling your father for two years that we did this. We did this to you. We've been waiting for you to find your way back to yourself. I don't care how you find it. I don't care where you go. I don't care if it's a thing I'd understand. Go."

"Umma."

"Go, my daughter. Find what makes you happy. I'll be here when you can come back. Even if it takes a long time. I'll be here."

I'm crying so hard I can't speak for a long moment.

"I love you, Umma."

"I love you, ?? ?."